Speechless

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hearts and roses, Jun 26, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    EXH asked me today if I thought the reason that difficult child wanted to hurt herself was maybe because she may be feeling like easy child gets all the attention, positive attention and she's jealous.

    Oooooookkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy. What a dumb-:censored2:. After almost 9 years of dealing with and explaining difficult child and her varied behaviors to exh, he obviously STILL does not get it. He even suggested that she go live with him for a spell this summer. He doesn't understand that change is the very thing that can trigger an episode, that sets her off, that creates the perfect environment for her to veer from her routine and medication schedule. Inevitably, every time, EVERY TIME, she visits him, she skips her medications (and he doesn't remind her) and she comes home a basket case. He said, "Maybe she just needs a break, you know, a break from THERE, you know? Like, maybe she needs to get away from you and H and your house, and the way it is THERE." I held my breath, calmly suggested that we can talk about it once difficult child has completed her PHP and is stable and then maybe.

    OMG - I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown (things haven't been so great with easy child and H is of absolutely no help here) and this almost broke me. Yesterday, I quit difficult child's job for her (she hates it and they stink) and her boss went to put her hand on my shoulder and asked me how I'm doing and I almost lost it right there. I physically pulled away I was so sure that I was going to just start bawling to this woman I really do not like or know. My head is ready to explode and difficult child seems unphazed, easy child keeps asking and asking for my help but giving me a hard time about the way I go about it, and H just wants a cheap feel. Ugh. I can't find joy in anything right now and I'm just so tired and then exh has to go and say that crap to me. Part of me already considered sending difficult child to stay with him part of this summer, but that was before. Now it's pretty much out of the question indefinitely. And he kept saying, "you know, when all this has blown over and she's okay", like that will actually happen one day. He still doesn't get that it's just a matter of time until they next episode. Why am I the only one who sees this? Even H doesn't seem to fully understand things anymore.
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Jo}}}
    I'm sorry you're getting it from all sides.
    Maybe you should send her. It sounds like you could use the break. difficult child is almost an adult and it sounds as though ex-h has never been truly responsible for difficult child or suffered the consequences of her instability caused or enabled by him. Your daughter has some difficult disorders and deserves the support of both her parents.
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry its hitting you all at once. I so understand.

    Sometimes you need to find signs and point everyone to their designated corners and tell them to take a number and you will deal with their crisis in the order that you call them.

    Exdh can blather on all he wants. Maybe it would be good to send her, maybe it wouldnt. Only you know and you can decide in your own sweet time. Let his calls go to voicemail for the time being. Or tell him to email you.

    Hey...maybe deal with easy child thru email too for awhile. Email is a wonderful medium...you can take time to think things through.

    As far as hubby and his cheap thrills...lol...I have to laugh there. What did Dr Phil say one time, doing the dishes is much more romantic to a woman? For us with difficult child's its helping to deal with a difficult child.
     
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Shut down, back away, take some time away from the drama mentally(and I know that it all started when you were away physically). It's so easy for others to say what they would do---because they don't really understand. I try to forgive their ignorance because how could they possibly understand what we live with on a daily basis???
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo,
    Boy when it rains it pours. Sending gentle hugs your way.
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If he is close enough that you will still be able to be involved - send her there. He will probably not see anything over the summer as she would be honeymooning. But, it would give you a break - and there it NOTHING wrong with that. She should get to see what it would be like living with dad. DO not deny her that. And even is she does like it better there - is that so bad that she enjoys time with her daddy and wants to be there more often?
    I know it seems like a hurtful thing to experience. But, seriously when my difficult child moved to her dad's for one year she really got the experience of living with her dad on a day to day basis. I am thankful she knows that experience. Did I miss her - YOU BET! But, I didn't do it for me. I did it for her. As I have done most things in the last 16 years. LOL!

    HUGS! Either way - you do need a break and some time for yourself.
     
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks everyone.

    I was going to send her for her usual Summer visit with her dad anyway, only I was going to make it a little longer if her work schedule permitted. But that was before she tried to hurt herself, cut her wrists and wound up in the hospital on Sunday night. We're waiting today to hear about the partial hospital program and then I will have a better idea of her schedule in the upcoming weeks.

    The thing about staying with her dad is that he's not so good about reminding her to take her medications and not taking her medications is what led to this most recent episode (well, and binge drinking...). Also, he keeps his house hermetically sealed all summer with his AC going, which in and of itself is fine, except that difficult child is allergic to his massively shedding black lab, he doesn't vacuum and when he does it's with the same vac we had from when we were married (over 15 years old!) and he chain smokes. difficult child smokes, so together they are in this stale aired house, with an allergic dog, chain smoking. The house is smaller than 650 sq ft and so it's really dirty, dusty and musty. Seriously, difficult child and easy child both come home sick after every visit and for difficult child its even worse because she's got her disorders on top of her allergies - it takes days, often at least a week to get her back into her normal routine and less crazy.

    Also, as the girls have gotten older, they want to spend less and less time there. easy child recently told me that when she goes for Christmas, she's staying at a hotel - she hates his house and the smell and the dirt. So, it may be that difficult child goes and then wants to come home like 4 days later (which exh said is fine)...I am just wondering if it's worth it to risk a setback that could wind her up in the hospital.

    on the other hand, I totally get what everyone is saying about her needing to experience life living with her dad - I agree. She needs to see that actually living with him is different than the visits she's had over the years, like on school vacas, etc. Even exh said that, so he's not completely hopeless I guess. He's only seen her in meltdown mode once and it was during a holiday visit and I had to talk him through it over the phone (he lives about 3 hours away). In a small way I was pleased that it happened so he could see that I wasn't making it up. After that, he was much less resistant to the medications and more cooperative. Maybe he should see firsthand how difficult it is to get her to do anything at all. That's most of the battle with her - she's so not interested in anything and then she's bored and then she's depressed, and so on...

    Oh well, one day at a time. That's what I'm doing and I told exh that - we're not even telling her about it until she completes the program and we'll see how she is. I don't have much experience with PHP. Can anyone tell me how they work? Are they helpful? This one is supposed to be the best our state has to offer. Thanks for listening!
     
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Jog, Maybe a compromise? Perhaps let her go but call her everyday to remind her to take her medications? -RM
     
  9. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    :::::BIG HUGS:::::
     
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    That might be a good solution for the medications, thanks.
     
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