Spending time with with difficult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 2much2recover, Dec 5, 2014.

  1. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I am reading book and came across this subject and thought it was important to share.
    When dealing with difficult children:
    Set limits to respect yourself!

    Cap the amount of time you are willing to spend in their company.

    Make time spent that have a defined ending time. Plan breakfast or lunch and say you have an appointment afterword and that you will have time to talk before you appointment. (Dinners leave you without this excuse) In other words agree on a meeting that will have to end.

    Try to meet the difficult child on neutral ground. When they are on their own turf and they are feeling comfortable they are more likely to pull bad behavior, making you feel weak or uncomfortable. When they are on your turf you may be faced with how to get rid of them.

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  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Very good info 2m2r. I've done all of those things and they work. Setting limits and respecting ourselves I think is the root of healthy behavior with our difficult child's.
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  3. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing this 2m2r. What book are you reading? It sounds interesting.
  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    The Complete Idiots Guide for Dealing With Difficult People
    I am just such a wimp there are a lot of ways I need to re-evaluate my inability to stand up for myself.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Good info. Setting those boundaries is so important.
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    That book really exist??? If so, I definitely need to get it!
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  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    LOL yes, because we are the idiots for putting up with all the BS in the first place! :reading::rofl:
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, I guess I'm going to break the rules on this one already...My son has called asking if he could "hang out" tonight. He's sick, like tossing his cookies sick, and doesn't want to be at the shelter. So we're going to let him come over from about 5 to 8. I'm going to flatly tell him that he can't stay after that. We'll feed him if he wants food, and we'll visit for a few, but then his dad and I have the 2nd job to do and 8 is as late as I'll leave it. I know he won't like it. Heck, I don't like it. I promptly went to Mom mode and want him to feel better. Let's be honest...I just want this whole nightmare to be over.

    What's bad is...I slept poorly. I dreamed of him. In the dream we were just hanging out and chatting, but we were on a screened in porch in some house and it turned out he had left the shelter and was squatting. Then I woke up.

    How is it I manage to do that? I very, very frequently have a dream right before I hear from him...and usually something is wrong. I dreamed he'd sold all his stuff and came home for Xmas, telling us he was not going to school. That weekend he came home, and told us he'd sold all his stuff and was failing all his classes. I dreamed jewelry was missing, the next day I looked and my mother's ring was missing. Happens all the time.
  9. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you what you are not ready to admit to yourself.
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Beats me. I'm starting to get a little freaked out by the dreams. I go weeks, months, without a dream he's in...but then I'll have one that's specific and I remember it, I don't usually remember my dreams, and sure enough, within 24 hours something happens that may not be exactly what I dreamt, but close enough to freak me out.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well that was no fun.

    He took some pepto and then spent two hours on my laptop...although in his defense, he did try to show me some youtube stuff he was watching. He always did like doing that. I finally got him to eat some soup...he barely touched it. He didn't look or act sick. I doubt he was very. Of course, once it was time to go...then he wants to talk. There's a bunch, but long and short of it, I ended up telling him no, I don't think he's trying very hard to find work and change things. I ... It wasn't good. And still he wants to come Sunday.

    I don't get him. I don't understand any of this crap and I've realized I'm still so angry! I can't be around him without getting angry about something he says or does.

    Oh...at least my dream wasn't too prophetic this time. He isn't out of the shelter...yet. But he got written up for the 3rd time. One more and he's out. And he hasn't worked for a week....so he's broke again. So yeah...he's screwing up.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Just call me Miss Cleo! But , the only cards I'm interested in add up to 21! LOL

    If I have to have a psychic gift, why couldn't it be mind-control...wouldn't that be awesome? :obeyhypnosmiley:
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. I have had very similar experiences concerning my 18 year old. I would have a dream (never a good one) and lo and behold I would get a call that would pretty much be what I dreamed. I believe it had to do with knowing how he cycles from one crisis to another and from things he would say in the days before the dream. This never happened with his older siblings.

  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I hope you can see, Lil, that the whole "I'm sick" was BS, manipulation and CONTROL! It got him back in the house even if just for a few hours. I said it once and I'll say it again, difficult child is not taking homeless shelter seriously, he is treating it like summer camp. I am so sure he believes once he gets kicked out and doesn't have the shelter to stay, you will let him come home. If I were you I would be looking for another shelter for him to stay, further away, once he gets kicked out of the current one. We all know he is headed to kick out, it's not if, its when.
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Actually, that was a given from the start. This is only a temporary shelter and even if he was on his best behaviour he would be out in mid-January as they only do 90 day "Assist" stays.

    I agree with you whole heartedly 2m2r. Lil dropped him off so she could go get the pepto. He spent a bit in the bathroom and after he came out, made minimal and generic attempts at conversation. When Lil got back he immediately asked if he could get on her laptop and spent the rest of the night on FB and YouTube. He spent the night showing Lil videos and such, pretty much ignoring the fact that I existed because he was busy buttering up Mom. Ignore the hard case and go for the soft touch.

    I love you Honey but that is the understatement of the year. I'm sorry for saying this here, but need to say this without misinterpretation...I dont want him to come over on Sunday. Period. If you want us to take him out for lunch, fine. But even then there need to be rules like no cursing, set a time limit, no buying him cigarettes. And for the record, if he is going to keep giving his cell to J-1, we seriously need to discuss at least taking it back if not just shutting it off completely. Again, I'm sorry about saying this here but you tend to have those mom blinders on when it comes to our son and sometimes things I say get blocked by those blinders.
  16. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    You are trying Jabber, to get Lil to see what she doesn't want to see. It will take time but it does seem she is coming around and it is at least hopeful that she can rely on you for insight to the realities of the control and manipulation being played by difficult child. Both of you need to make a plan for what comes next for the two of you because it seems difficult child has no plans of his own and doesn't plan on making any. Therefore , in his thinking both of you ARE the back-up plan!
  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You should be sorry. Because you should have said those things last night to my face!!! Not on-line when you KNOW he's been texting me and AFTER he's asked about Sunday and I said it would be OK. If it wasn't WHY didn't you say so then? For that matter, you really don't get to complain about him ignoring you when you didn't say a word to him all night! Not one word I heard. You could have asked about ANYTHING. You could have asked if he's been playing D&D. You could have asked who he's playing Magic with. You can't leave the whole conversation up to me and then complain about it.

    So there folks. Dirty laundry aired in public. Isn't that nice? Closest to a fight we've ever come and it's on a freaking message board for the world to see.

    You people act like I have no clue my only child is a liar and a thief. I'm ssoooooo sorry I'm not mentally able to just shut him out yet. I'M the one who told him to leave our home. ME! I'm the one who's told him he can't come back. I'M the one who told him he better watch it or he'll be a cold cot person too! ME! I'M the one he talks to. I'M the one he texts and calls. Not anyone else ME! And I'm doing my freaking BEST!
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh wait. You DID comment on the Guardians of the Galaxy youtube trailer thing. But you weren't exactly Mr. Talkative after that. In fact, most of the time you ignored him JUST as much as he ignored you. Frankly, I'm real, real tired of both of you behaving that way. You get your feelings hurt when he ignores you...but you don't make any overtures at all either.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member



    Having a difficult child kid is one of the hardest things there is on a marriage. Most of us on this board have been there done that.

    But until I learned TO fight, and HOW to fight... difficult child was tearing my marriage apart as well. I had to learn how to speak up to husband. How and when to put my foot down (instead of in my mouth like usual). How to ask him for help. It's so doggone HARD.

    It's usually one parent in the relationship that feels both sides of the difficult child thing more strongly... needing to be "tough", yet wanting deeply to somehow get help for difficult child. Or, at least, one parent at any one point in time. husband and I have learned that whichever one is wrestling with both sides, is usually seeing something that the other is missing. And yes, it isn't always me.

    It might help both you and jabber to get individual help for yourselves. I'm finding that just having my own private "pressure release valve" really helps (therapist). This isn't couples therapy. It's about coping with an extremely stressful situation, and not wanting to hurt each other in the process.
  20. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    For what its worth, Im sorry. Could a mod please just remove me from this thread. For that matter, please just delete my profile. Im sorry.