Spoiled because of Guilt?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by meowbunny, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    How many of you have spoiled your kids because you felt guilty? Guilty because they have a mental illness, are adopted, you made a mistake, whatever?

    I know I did. Oddly, my guilt was because I adopted her. She had so many bad things happen to her that I felt a collective guilt over the failure of her community. I thought she needed a little spoiling (okay, a lot) to let her know she was loved, cherished, adored. I don't mean just material things although that was factored in but 24/7 at her beck and call.

    Then, shortly after the adoption was finalized, there was the divorce. My ex agreed to stick around until the finalization but left as soon as he could after. The only reason he stucdk around was because I said if he would, I wouldn't ask for alimony or child support. So, there was the added guilt of raising her as a single parent and of having cheated her of the luxuries my ex could have helped provide.

    Now, I feel guilty that I spoiled her. She has such a sense of entitlement and I know I helped create that in her. Not all of it, but a lot. So, when does the guilt end?

    Please understand I'm not beating myself around the head and shoulders. I'm just acknowledging that some of my parenting was due to guilt and that that spoiling helped create some of the things I don't like in her today.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm definitely guilty of this and for more than one reason.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think we spoiled our kids with things simply because we didnt have the financial ability to do that but I do believe that I probably felt guilty and sorry for the kids about some stuff and may have done things out of guilt.

    I do think I let guilt over what I felt was a bad hand for cory play into my decisions and that was a huge mistake.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I was going over this the past couple of days... K has been cycling so bad and so depressed... If i tell her no it sends her into an episode. So I am trying to teach her "life skills" that she needs to deal with being told "no'. Last night she was exhausted and it was 30 minutes before dinner, I told her she could not play on the computer, I have to help her, N wants to play also, it turns into more work. So I told her Not right now... An hour later, screaming, hitting, bitting, restraints... same thing tonight when I asked her to let her sister finish dinner and then when I said they could watch a short movie they both agreed on (couldn't agree)... I got punched in the face, "I hate you", bit... etc.

    So part of me is like just give in and let her do what ever she wants!!! But part of me needs to help her learn and I want her to not sink deeper into her depression or use it.

    But it seems easier to just give in at times... I basket "C" a lot of things but I can't give in to everything!!!
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I too am extremely guilty of this. Having to work, and not being home. When we could, years ago, we bought him anything, took him everywhere when we weren't working. Because other friends parents were home. Other friends had Aunts and Uncles and cousins and grandparents. We had to be all of that.

    When easy child was born, I was a single mom, going back to school to get into a career, couldn't afford anything. I mean my pictures on my walls were puzzles I made. Then when I had my first real job, I bought him everything, wanting to make up for the first few years that he had nothing.

    It is hard to want to give them everything, but know that it isn't right to do that. difficult child doesn't appreciate what he has. We have sacraficed things that we are in need of, to give him what he wants. Does he appreciate it? No. Do they ever realize how much you love them and what you do for them?
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    We have spoiled our son, also. And I too think part of the reason is when we say "no" the fight is on. We just don't have the energy to fight ALL the time. We're trying to make our lives cruise along without so many confrontations. It's so tiring to be that way all the time. I imagine we're not doing him any favors, but we're taking one day at a time.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    The guilt ended shortly after tweedles dee & dum arrived. You know, I've heard the "poor little orphan" story too many times.

    And for the longest time everyone involved in treating kt & wm caved to their charm; to their manipulations learned while in the bio home.

    Having said that, I have provided many things that kt & wm wouldn't have had in bio home however I've worked hard not to spoil them based on guilt.
  8. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    I am also guilty of spoiling difficult child# 1 and 2. I raised them as a single parent, worked full-time, and felt tremendous guilt because I was the parent seeking the divorce from their father. They were 4yrs. and 11 months old at the time. I learned the hard way and now make certain that difficult child#3 is loved, adored, and made to feel special without spoiling him.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I recall in the early days following my separation and subsequent divorce feeling guilty...and I may have allowed certain behaviors to go unchecked by me out of that guilt. I think that perhaps I allowed my girls to give voice to feelings that would have otherwise been squelched in a 'normal, nuclear family-type' home. Then I snapped out of it and stopped feeling guilty! My God! Their little lives would have been h.e.l.l if I had stayed with their father. Life changes and moves one. My parents and those of my peers never EVER considered how their decisions effected those of their children.

    Flash forward to when difficult child was officially diagnosed and we realized that she wasn't just having normal temper tantrums (made easy child look like an angel). Then, I would say, is the time that the spoiling began. I don't really like the term spoiled, like bad fruit. I don't consider her spoiled, because I don't think she is. I DO think both of my daughters are 'privileged' and have been very 'fortunate' to be raised where and how and by whom they were raised.

    I guess they are not spoiled in the sense that we buy them things or allow them to do whatever they want, but they might be considered spoiled in that they have grown up with the attitude that they can freely express what they feel, at times without regard for how it makes others feel - and that I regret at times. easy child, of course, is not as outspoken and she has diplomacy and consideration for others. difficult child, however, spills her guts, especially if SHE is upset or affected and sometimes I can see the appalled look on other's faces! I want to hide and say, "Really, I taught her manners - she isn't mine!"

    H tells me every chance he gets that they are spoiled. I suppose easy child could be seen as being more spoiled than difficult child. She was always good so she rarely got punished - I'm now learning that she was just a better liar? Haha = seriously, she almost always gets what she wants. Even when I say no to her, I come around. I think I'm harder on difficult child because she's always been so difficult. Now that sounds really bad, doesn't it??
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know I am guilty of always giving into difficult child when he was younger, because he was so relentless, it just became easier. I know this didn't contribute to him becoming a drug addict, but it did contribute to a lot of other issues we faced with him growing up.