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Spoke to difficult child I wish I could....
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<blockquote data-quote="WhereIsTheLight" data-source="post: 39384" data-attributes="member: 3673"><p>Well, first of all, I think it's great you are still on speaking terms.</p><p></p><p>When my daughter was in juvy, she was positively evil, and at the time diagnosis was actively trying to make my life a living hell, and they ganged up on me. So, I never wrote her, and visited her once a week until her abuse got to the point that she didn't deserve a visit from me.</p><p></p><p>But why do we get preachy?</p><p></p><p>Hope.</p><p></p><p>We hope this time that it rubs off, that they heed the voice of experience and maturity and functionality and independence. That we can defer those mistakes and turn them into learning experiences that result in positive outcomes. Or, we are anxious about them making the kind of decisions that delay our hope that they can be functional, successful adults.</p><p></p><p>difficult child has spat at me more than once, "You didn't teach me anything about being an adult!" No, dear, you just don't listen, because I am the enemy, the idiot, the control freak, the crazy, nagging mom that hates you. So, whenever I tried to make a point about something, like when she tried to return her bike after the accident, I would say, "I am teaching you something, so you need to pay attention and listen". I make it as concise as possible:</p><p></p><p>"You've had it for three months, and even if you haven't ridden it much, they probably won't return it. But, they probably will repair the misalignments from the accident. Worst case scenario, you'll have to sell it. Remember, keep a good attitude and at least you'll have a sellable bike if they don't return it".</p><p></p><p>I don't find that preachy. I presented her with a likely outcome and she was prepared. She knows she has a tendency to fly into rages and is socially awkward. (She actually chided a police officer once, "I don't like the way my tax dollars are being spent!") :rofl:</p><p></p><p>If I had said, "Don't go in there demanding and threatening. You got drunk and fell off the bike - you were the one who screwed up, not them. And I'm not going to come in and rescue you. You're on your own with this one", that would have been preachy. And it was exactly what I was thinking. :nonono:</p><p></p><p>So, after about 30 minutes she came home. They hadn't taken the bike back, but they did repair it and difficult child was content with that, but more importantly, she dealt with the bike shop on her own and had appropriate and reasonable expectations and learned a little bit about the art of social interaction.</p><p></p><p>I was actually proud of her. She accepted my parenting and wisdom and it's another baby step that I hope she carries with her while she's on her own.</p><p></p><p>So I hope you work through the guilt, because I know I've said things I wish I could take back, but when we are parenting them or counseling them and we know we have their best interests in mind and we aren't being emotionally domineering and we're battle weary to boot, a little preachiness is really just good sound advice.</p><p></p><p>Good luck to you both.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WhereIsTheLight, post: 39384, member: 3673"] Well, first of all, I think it's great you are still on speaking terms. When my daughter was in juvy, she was positively evil, and at the time diagnosis was actively trying to make my life a living hell, and they ganged up on me. So, I never wrote her, and visited her once a week until her abuse got to the point that she didn't deserve a visit from me. But why do we get preachy? Hope. We hope this time that it rubs off, that they heed the voice of experience and maturity and functionality and independence. That we can defer those mistakes and turn them into learning experiences that result in positive outcomes. Or, we are anxious about them making the kind of decisions that delay our hope that they can be functional, successful adults. difficult child has spat at me more than once, "You didn't teach me anything about being an adult!" No, dear, you just don't listen, because I am the enemy, the idiot, the control freak, the crazy, nagging mom that hates you. So, whenever I tried to make a point about something, like when she tried to return her bike after the accident, I would say, "I am teaching you something, so you need to pay attention and listen". I make it as concise as possible: "You've had it for three months, and even if you haven't ridden it much, they probably won't return it. But, they probably will repair the misalignments from the accident. Worst case scenario, you'll have to sell it. Remember, keep a good attitude and at least you'll have a sellable bike if they don't return it". I don't find that preachy. I presented her with a likely outcome and she was prepared. She knows she has a tendency to fly into rages and is socially awkward. (She actually chided a police officer once, "I don't like the way my tax dollars are being spent!") [img]:rofl:[/img] If I had said, "Don't go in there demanding and threatening. You got drunk and fell off the bike - you were the one who screwed up, not them. And I'm not going to come in and rescue you. You're on your own with this one", that would have been preachy. And it was exactly what I was thinking. [img]:nonono:[/img] So, after about 30 minutes she came home. They hadn't taken the bike back, but they did repair it and difficult child was content with that, but more importantly, she dealt with the bike shop on her own and had appropriate and reasonable expectations and learned a little bit about the art of social interaction. I was actually proud of her. She accepted my parenting and wisdom and it's another baby step that I hope she carries with her while she's on her own. So I hope you work through the guilt, because I know I've said things I wish I could take back, but when we are parenting them or counseling them and we know we have their best interests in mind and we aren't being emotionally domineering and we're battle weary to boot, a little preachiness is really just good sound advice. Good luck to you both. [/QUOTE]
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