***Standswithcourage***

[witzend]

It seems that you get distracted by your worries about difficult child. You might consider working with a therapist on planning your life for yourself. You can do this if you have a clear idea of who you want to live your life for. The healthy thing is to live your life for yourself. It seems that you need some help staying focused. I hope that you will see a therapist and work on some goals.

These things don't usually come up and smack you in the head. They come to you in bits and pieces. Honestly, you sound so distraught every time you begin to think about your son. It's not healthy. Life really can be better than that.

 

[Star*]

Stands -

I am so glad to hear you are getting away - why I hope you don't even read this for days. lol.

here's my prescription for you : Nae - my strong suggestion as your friend.

YOU are NOT allowed to think about ANYONE but YOU and HUBBY this weekend. And the great thing is - (for you) YOU CAN PLAN THAT - You can say "I plan to have a nice weekend without thinking about anyone BUT myself and MY husband." I could be rrrr rrrrwww wrrrrrong. But I think that your hubby would like to have a weekend where you only doted on HIM and yourself.

Honestly I'm not sure how to do that - but several practice runs couldn't hurt to get it right. lol

I will look up that information for you (again) argh....parthimers is such a pain.

Okay team Stands - WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

CONCENTRATE ON SUSAN AND HUBBY - nothing else - no trinkets for the grands - no this kid that kid would like this - JUST YOU AND HIM -

Hugs - Enjoy
YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU! that is a strong suggestion!

 

[DammitJanet]

Stands...sometimes as much as we hate it...we simply have to let it go. These kids seem hellbent on destruction. Its like they are trains on a track and we are useless to stand on that track screaming NO at them. We cant stop that train, we can only be on the sidelines watching the train wreck coming.

I see the wreck coming for my son but he refuses to believe it is coming. That river of denial runs deep here. I just keep my mouth shut and wait. It does no good to argue anymore. He will learn the hard way.

On the subject of jail or prison. It does sometimes end up being the thing that turns a person around. I have a brother in law who was a full out alcoholic who ended up driving drunk and killed his best friend in a car wreck. He was convicted of vehicular manslaughter and sentenced to prison. He spent 5 years in the state pen down there in SC. Or roughly 5 years...I dont really remember exactly. But it changed his life. He has never taken another drink, he is a responsible working family man today. He had to pay a huge amount of restitution which took him several years to do but he did it and he finally got his license back. He is not the same guy who did what he did.

I look at him and hold out some hope.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks everyone. My husband and I had a wonderful weekend. We didnt discuss difficult child but only a couple of times. My easy child son had some friends over and spent the night with him. The house was still standing! I sometimes just wish I could do something to make it all normal without feeling like I am going ahead with my life while he suffers. I told my husband that was hard for me because I never jput myself first. Oh well - this is all old news. I hope everyone had a good weekend!

 

[standswithcourage]

Well a weird thing happened today. My husband got a little letter in the mail and it had a card in it - I could feel it and I opened it and actually it was my difficult child's ID from 2004 that someone had found lying on the street in a little town about 10 minutes from us! On the bottom was a Bible verse that was printed into the paper. It was weird. I havent seen that picture of him in a long time and it brought back memories. It really didnt even look like him. It was before he went to the correctional facility. Then I called the jail to see if the mental health lady and talked tohim for him to sign a paper so I could hear his case and she said she saw him and he seemed fine. She was going to set up a time to talk to him. She wanted to know if he signed up for her drug class and I said I didnt know. She said he was precious!!!!! She wanted to know what he was in there for - I told her. I dont think she knows his history - because she said if he got drug court he could come home and be at home instead of there - I thought I dont think so - we havea already been around that block - why would she say that unless she didnt know - then I feel real guilty and wonder if I am doing the right thing - it is so hard sometimes - the feelings of thinking just maybe this time but I have thought it every time and it hasnt been better - then she said it probably would be better if he wasnt at home but that rehabs cost a lot of money - some of them dont - the Christian ones dont cost $30,000! I just wonder where people get it in their heads that all the rehabs cost millions of dollars. It just makes me feel hopeless sometimes!!! I am going to Alanon and taking my easy child son with me. He said he want to go. My husband is refereeing basketball tonight. Oh well - thanks for the vent.

 

[meowbunny]

Let's see ... she talked to your son and thinks he's precious and you wonder why she doesn't know anything about him. It's relatively simple .... he didn't tell her. Instead, he fed her the same ole bull he's been using for years. Why didn't you tell her? You want to feel guilty, feel guilty that you weren't up front with this woman and say no way could he come home and let her know why.

The free rehabs rarely have room. There is usually a long waiting list for the beds so, you it is back to looking at the rehab centers that cost tens of thousands of dollars. It sounds like she is throwing out some feelers to see if you'd be willing to pay for rehab so that she can use the few available beds for her indigent patients. Obviously, she doesn't see your son as one.

 

[Star*]

Mmmm,
Stands - I have to agree with Meow 110% - Currently your son is sober, and level thinking - he's the person you KNOW he can be without the drugs and alcohol. So OF COURSE he's adorable. But what is NOT adorable is when he leaves where he is - and drinks. Would she like him then? Would she think he was just as cute as a bug then? No - no one would.

Where he is right now - IS like a rehab. he cant get drugs or alcohol - and he's getting sober. God is with him wherever he is -whether it's there or in a nicer rehab.

I think you are doing fantastic - just watch the system people - they know how to play the game - and MB nailed it on the head - she's feeling around to see how much help YOU will give. If you say NONE - then they are FORCED to find him something - and THEY have considerably MORE resources and contacts than us.

This game is played with us and Dudes caseworkers all the time. I just once wish someone would say what they mean and knock all that tip-toeing around out. I'm not a child - I can take the truth.

I'm glad you and hubby had a relaxing weekend - NOW take one THIS weekend too. House will still be there - and you'll feel twice as good next Monday -

Hugs
Star

 

[Sue C]

Susan -- When Angela was 16 and I was checking into drug rehabs, I found a Christian facility that was free...you just had to pay for the schooling. Your son is not in school, so I assume it would be free. (unless things have changed in 12 years--YIKES! it's been that long!!!) Anyway, adults could also go there. It was voluntary, not a lock down. The person had to want to be there and had to promise they would stay.

I tried to PM you the name of it but I can't PM you. PM me if you want the name of it, OK?

sue

 

[Star*]

Susan,

http://www.usnodrugs.com/South_Carolina/RL

Call them = see what they have. I'll keep looking.

 

[Star*]

This is the SC re-entry program I was telling you about.

http://csgjusticecenter.org/nrrc/

You have to call - but talk to them now.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks all you wonderful people. I am so glad I know you all. dont ever feel like you dont help anyone because you do!!!! It is amazing how our lives help each other and how God uses us that way. Maybe we should be thanking him for our problems because in the long run we help someone else.

 

[standswithcourage]

Also how do I know he is not using drugs in there. I know it wouldnt be as much as he could use on the street but i bet he is using something. I dont know if they drug test them or not. I just wonder how he is going to want to quit if he is still using. My question of the day.

 

[trinityroyal]

Susan, ultimately you don't know whether your son is using drugs in prison or not.

Think about the fact that if your son were still outside, then he would almost certainly be using drugs. Therefore, he is better off where he is. In jail, he has shelter, food, and a place to sit and reflect on his life and decide what he wants to do with himself.

I understand that it's very hard not knowing and not having a plan. I am a planner too, and it's very hard to have a terrible situation that is not within your control. But that's the key...it is not within your control. No matter what you do or don't do, the situation is out of your hands.

Your son will make of this time what he sees fit to. Whether he gets something out of his time in jail and comes out a better man, or he bides his time and returns to GFGdom, it's out of your hands. You can pray, you can hope, but you can't control the situation. And continuing to do things gives you the illusion that you can control things, which in turn causes you more hurt and frustration and pain.

What you have to do now is let go and let God. Stop trying. Just let things happen. Focus on you, husband, easy child son and easy child daughter. But especially on you.

Detachment 101. Keep on practicing, you'll get there.

All the best,
Trinity

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Hugs Susan.

Trinity is right. You don't know what your boy is doing in there. How will he want to quit is he is still using? Good, fair question. He will want to quit when he is ready to quit, whether he is in jail or not. Now what does not mean go bail him out. It means that you have no control or say so over when he is ready. He is better off there in the meantime.

I know I am probably one of the toughest ones on you, but please know that I know that you have come a long way. A LOOOOOONG way. Just keep on going, we will be there.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thannks! I really do listen! I miss the cute little things to click on - how do I do that?

 

[Star*]

Okay then smart chick -

IF he is using in prison
If he keeps asking you to GET ME OUT OF HERE MOM
If You already DID get him out?

WHERE do YOU think he'd be?

Believe me - I'm giving myself QUITE A DOSE of kicking myself in the kiester over Dude. My bum is sore - I kick like a mule.

You are among the wise who did NOT remove that boy and are NOT kicking yourself in the bum.
BE ever thankful for that - I think THAT wisdom is a gift from God.

 

[DammitJanet]

Of course she thinks he is charming! These guys can be charming and witty while they steal you blind! Cory has his case manager eating out of his hand. Oh well. This young twit is about 3 years older than him and just thinks he is soooo cute...lol. Im giving it a few months till he does something stupid like date her. Whats bad is she will probably fall for it!

If you met my son on the street you would think he was the nicest guy around. He can be polite and funny and caring. But then again...so could Ted Bundy.

 

[standswithcourage]

I know! Sometimes my husband says the same thing about Ted Bundy! And it gives me chills! I was reading about Antisocial conduct disorder and I think that is what he has. It sounds exactly like it. All the symptoms. I know jail is not the place for him to be - neither is prison - so I feel like I want to tell someone that he has antisocial behavior - but you are right - if he was out now and at home - oh my goodness!

 

[janebrain]

Stands,
if he really has antisocial personality disorder then jail is exactly where he needs to be to protect the rest of society from him! People with that disorder have no conscience, they do not care at all about other people. I was just saying on another thread that I read a really good book about the disorder called "The Sociopath Next Door". It is well worth reading if you think you may know someone with the disorder (or even just to learn more--sort of a page turner type book!)
Jane

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks! I will try and get my hands on it. I go back and forth about the fact that he is still sitting there and then my husband says he wont be there forever and then what will we do - it is like I want to see my son but I cant go back to what was happening before he got locked up again - I want to find out what his "disorder" is and try to get help for that - I feel like I have beaten down doors everywhere only to drag my difficult child there and him con the doctors into givinig him the drugs he wanted and the doctors doing it! I know jail cant be good for him and that gives me grief but on the same level I think how could we stand the alternative - one day - I only hope he lives to see his life a good one.