Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by antsmom, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    My heart goes out to you. I once was that frightened, that crazy with codependence for my son. I understand. could you do one thing today?

    go to the library and borrow these two books:

    boundaries by townsend and cloud

    codependent no more by melody beattie.

    that step started healing me. I read those books (given to me by a sister and one from a patient of ours)...and it was an eye opener.

    tomorrow could you do one more thing?

    find a NARC ANON mtg near you so you can talk to other inperson parents. look in the phone book or online to find a mtg near you.

  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Janet: Thanks for posting this. I, too, at one point was so totally enmeshed in my difficult child's life that I couldn't detangle myself. I can remember the pain of thinking that I had to "fix" things so he could be okay and then failing at every attempt and thinking I was somehow to blame. You and I both know it takes a long time to reach a level of detachment where we now sit. It doesn't happen overnight---just like recovery for our difficult children it is an ongoing process. And we too will backslide.

    Stands--I pm'd you already. Please understand that it will take time to learn to detach. Even when you are able to, you will still feel pain when you see your difficult child hurting. Just like your difficult child has to hit bottom---you do to. And you will. But don't be hard on yourself for loving and caring about your son. Before they were difficult children, they were our children.
    Many of us understand your fear of letting go and letting God (that's one thing you will learn from an NA/AA group.)

    This is supposed to be a soft-spot to land. Let's all remember that. We don't all become warrior moms overnight! Sometimes, we don't need advice--we just need to cry and complain. And that's okay too.
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Well said Ladies!

    Small baby steps are required before we can run marathons.
  4. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Ditto goldy!

    Thank you.

    These words are meant for stands, but they helped me today, too!

  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am just not standing too good lately. Thanks ladies andyou brought tears to my eyes. I will get the books - one of them I used to own but lent it to someone else. If he wasnt near me so much it would be easier. I will let you know how it unfolds. I didnt think I would ever get to post again! I get locked everytime I start rambling. I understand though. :flower:
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Susan, YOU are not getting locked out, the subject of the thread is getting closed.

    If you start a thread, give it a topic, it gets discussed, and when it concludes, we let the thread die. If something new needs to be talked about, a new thread has to be opened.

    These threads that were getting locked were beating a dead horse. You were saying ABC and we were answering XYZ. And you replied ABC and we reminded you XYZ. And so it went on & on until the moderator decided that the thread was not concluding.

    It was to your benefit that the threads were locked. This was to encourage you to take another look at where you are and what it is you need to do to get out of the situation that you are in. Each time, you started a new thread in a new direction, but then it went back to ABC and XYZ.

    Sweetie, I feel for you. I really do. My mom was you once. And I was your son. Remember, I did not get clean until my mom left me to fend for myself. I am not telling you what I THINK works. I am telling you what I KNOW works.

    I am sorry if my post upset you yesterday, but I am not sorry for anything I said. I think you needed to hear it. And please know that we all want to see you get through this.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    If you start a thread, give it a topic, it gets discussed, and when it concludes, we let the thread die. If something new needs to be talked about, a new thread has to be opened.

    These threads that were getting locked were beating a dead horse. You were saying ABC and we were answering XYZ. And you replied ABC and we reminded you XYZ. And so it went on & on until the moderator decided that the thread was not concluding.

    Susan, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I think you know I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings; I tried to describe how the forum works in a private message and twice on your threads.

    It serves no purpose to go in circles. Perhaps what BBK has described above will make more sense to you.

  8. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Susan ~ When I was so entertwined with my son it helped me to see myself as the addict. I was very much addicted to 'fixing' my son. Just like it was said above, each failed attempt at 'fixing' him made me feel that much more as a failure of a mom.

    I had to hit my rock bottom fixing him just like he had to hit his rock bottom with his actions and using.

    We are all different. We have different circumstances in our lives that make us react to things differently.

    My easy child gave me strentgh to stand strong against my son's drug use. The day she told me he had brought drugs home was enough for me to say get out.

    My easy child is trying her best to live a normal life in the shadow of her brother, she deserved to have a safe happy home. She also deserved to have a mom that wasn't consumed by her emotions 23 hrs out of the day.

    My difficult child was the one causing the chaos. It was not fair to me,husband or easy child to put up with his destructive choices.

    I was very much the addict, but with the help of prayers and this board I learned to let go and let GOD.

    I want you to also know that I saw no desire in my difficult child to change until I totally let him sink on his own


  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    My husband and I went to therapy yesterday and she had an interesting comment to make to us. She told us that it was her opinion that we kept allowing BOTH of our grown kids in our home because they filled a need in us. We allowed them to use us for some reason. And she is right. We have to figure out how to untangle this mess. Both of them are too old to be living home with us and need to fly the nest. They are filling a need for us to feel like we are still active parents I believe. We have to get over that.

    Not easy.
  10. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    How insightful Janet!

    Our nest emptied in July. And we were acutely aware that our children had become a 'divine distraction' for our marriage. When they both left we were faced with each other and the prospect that it is just the two of us.

    It has been a really hard adjustment.

    I agree wholeheartedly that we hang on too long because it fills some need in our lives as parents.

    Very insightful!
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    janet, thanks for pointing out my need to have a family in my home as well. lol
  12. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I don't see it that way, guys. About the addiction to care-taking our children, I mean. We have friends with "normal" children. They think about, talk about, e mail and telephone their children continually.


    I know almost as much about their children as I do about my own.

    But, while they know our daughter and have met and spent time with every one of our grandchildren...they know next to nothing about difficult child.

    There is nothing more for me to tell them about difficult child, once I have managed to choke out the part about addiction.

    They sympathize with my pain, but they cannot empathize.

    In my heart, I am alone with the horror of what has happened to my son, as every parent of an addicted child is alone with that same horror.

    If it were not for the other parents on this site, I would NEVER have learned how to live, and take joy in, my life despite what has happened to my son.

    We can advise, and we can inform ~ but it is never our place to criticize the time another parent requires to come to terms with what has happened to his or her child.

    Stands, you will learn how to survive what has happened to your son.

    And that is what this is about.

    Surviving what has happened to our children.


    TYLERFAN New Member

    Amen, Barbara...Very Well Stated. :bravo:

    Blessings to stands.......I too have had to learn and it took many times. You will too.

    Melissa :angel:
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks for replying. I am agreeing with you all and trying to do what needs to be done. Please pray for me and thanks for helping me. I need you.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well my difficult child came by , he was sober, and ate and left again. Who knows what he is doing. Anyway, his next payment is on oct. 5 and his probation is Oct. 21, we will see what happens then - we will not pay anything - he asked me today when his appointments were - it is on the refrigerator. He has not been here very much. In a way it is peaceful but when I think of what he isprobably doing it is scary. I am hanging on.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stands...on another post to you I mentioned something about the tv show Intervention. I was watching it tonite and got the website address. just incase you were interested in contacting them because they say if you have someone in your life that you feel needs help with an intervention to please contact them.
  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am not trying to change the thread...just wanted to say something in regards to the 'addiction'

    In my view, addiction is something that takes over your life.

    An addict only thinks of getting high, nothing else matters to them.

    In my 'addiction' to changing my son, I was consumed by it. Nothing else mattered as long as I could get my son to change.

    I let everything else in my life go on the back burner and all my thoughts and strengths went into 'helping' him.

    I believe there has to be a healthy balance, that is why I used the word addiction to start with.

    In an addiction you are totally consumed. It can't be good for any of us to let everything in our lives go and live only to change the path that our child takes.

    I, over the course of several years, cut family ties and friends and my marriage almost ended not to mention what it did to poor easy child to live with a mom consumed with what difficult child was doing.

    You can't be fully consumed by your difficult child and continue to be a healthy person and give to the others in your life that need you too.

  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree Traci and I know exactly what you are talking aabout. When I am here with him if he is here and he is being needy I feel consumed to fix the problem. It drives me crazy. that is why I need to be away from him - i know what you mean.
  19. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member


    Thank you for this thread it is helping me too. I am trying to detach from my son. It's so hard. He is not an addict but has problems with rage and aggression. (Well he doesn't have a problem with it but we do!)
    We have spent years trying to "help" him and make excuses for him but I realise now that is wrong. I can't live his life for him and will concentrate on getting my own life back. Its not easy and I wish you luck.
  20. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    It might be helpful to remember that we all joined at various times in our lives and when our difficult child's were of various ages.

    A minor difficult child living at home is different that an adult difficult child living at home. Doesn't mean their congnitive age is any different, but their chronological age is.

    Sometimes I think the "learning curve" for an older difficult child should be faster than a minor difficult child or even a 18-22yr old. Who knows when your difficult child stopped growing emotionally.

    Scent of Cedar comes to mind as the closest board member who resembles your situation.

    This is a soft place to land. You can take what you need and leave the rest.

    The more you read, the more you learn, and time is the biggest healer or changer of all.