standswithcourage

[standswithcourage]

That is so true. I guess I am just stressed from the wedding and all. I am happy - I just wish I saw my daughter more. She came by tonight and left her car for her Dad to fix the breaks. She and her fiance went to get something to eat - I hope he just drops her off coming back so I can spend time with her! My difficult child has been pretty good today - but still he needs rehab. I hate to hear about the person that died from a drug overdose. It scares me so much. I dont know what to do about my difficult child coming to the wedding? How can he go to the reception and not drink until he is drunk? I dont trust him. Some of our family is coming up but it will all go so fast that they will have to gohome before we know what happened. I just dont want my difficult child to feel so left out. Any advice?

 

[witzend]

Honestly, I think that the only advice I can give is that you re-read what others have already advised.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

difficult child has to respect your daughter's wishes It is her wedding. She has to make her decision and be able to live with it.

If it is an open bar, your difficult child *will* get drunk. That is the long and short of it. If she decides that she does not want him to attend, and he feels left out, maybe that will nudge him to get some help.

You will not be able to spare his feelings and hers too. But you have to remember whose wedding it is.

 

[hearthope]

Here is a different take...

It would depend on your extended family and how close all of you are but,

If difficult child attends the wedding and he gets drunk as you suspect will happen, it could quite possibly give the family the chance to see the truth and come together for an intervention as Janet has suggested on another post.

Sometimes we have to step back and allow things to happen.



Just a thought......



Traci

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Do you think it may help Stands to just put things into priority. First things first, with a "do I need to worry about this" viewpoint.

Example:
1. easy child is getting married, I think I would give the whole event a #1 priority.

2. difficult child's feelings: difficult child is old enough to delay his gratification. If he feels left out or gets drunk, that's his choice. Does it deserve any of your worry? nope, not compared to #1.

3. You feel the need to "save" everyone. - That's a goal some of us had before we learned :smile:. This is not as important as #1 and therefore does not need your worry.

If you do something like this, you might be able to concentrate on what's really important.

 

[standswithcourage]

Ok - thanks for the advice. It is her wedding. I dont want him to do anything to ruin it for her. That would be horrible. This part of my life seems to be standing still - but it could be worse. :its_all_good:

 

[goldenguru]

How does your daughter feel about the issue of difficult child attending and most probably getting drunk? How does your sister in law feel about it? It is their wedding and it really is their call. I think it is their decision to make. And as the parent (given the unique circumstances surrounding your son) I think you really need to support their decision. What does hubby think??

Is he a mean drunk? Or does he just get jolly?

If difficult child is excluded from the festivities, it is one more sad consequence of his poor choices stands. Your daughter is not 'doing this to him' ... he has done it for himself.

 

[standswithcourage]

True - I cannot trust him that is the thing. I cant trust him not to embarrass her. I cant trust him to use his selfcontrol. I cant risk it. It would devastate her. He is complaining about his tooth again. The thing is it makes me anxious because I dont have enought money right now to take him to an oral surgeon and have it removed. Most of them want $500 or more to walk in the door. He has no insurance. One of his friends said a woman that knows his Dad pays his insurance a month for him aand he has a copay. However this friend sleeps all day and works at some part time job at night and sstays up all night and does drugs. Whatever. I dont know what to do about it. It drives me crazy. If he took the antibiotic right and made it more important than the pain pills he wouldnt hurt. He said he made an appointment with another dentist in the morning at 8:00. How is supposed to pay for that? Is this mean of me to feel this way? When he comes backhome he is always back to that 15 year old behavior - mom and dad take care of me - they are supposed to --- I cant anymore - I am heading out to Alanon!

 

[hearthope]

Let him have a reason to want to change.

Don't take away all discomforts...He will never want anything more than mom and dad taking care of him.

What will happen when he's 34? 44?

Let him stand on his own, he needs it as much as you need him to.

He needs to feel some self worth, there is no way he will feel it with mom and dad taking care of him when he is an adult.

It is a circle you both are stuck in, the only way for him to see different is for you to stand out of the circle


Sending (((HUGS)))and Strength


Traci

 

[hearthope]

Susan I want to share something with you,

I talked with my mom today and she shared an update on my cousin.

My cousin is 43 yrs old. She is an alcoholic that has lost rights to both her children.

She gets in unhealthy relationships, they turn violent, and she returns home to mom and dad. She has done that all her life. She has never had a reason to stop because in the back of her mind she could always run home regardless of what troubles she got into.

The sad part is she has worn her mom down so much over the years that she will actually buy her alcohol because she believes she needs it to function.

When they leave her at home to make doctor appointments they will buy her alcohol so they know she will stay home out of trouble and she will be content not to contact whoever the last abusive boyfriend was.

This is the saddest situation I could imagine. The mom is allowing the drunk to stay drunk......Because it is the easiest way to deal with it..

Confronting a problem is always hard, but reaping the blessings of doing the right thing is inmeasurable.


Traci

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Traci - You know I have never shared this about my sister but I believe she is a functioning alcoholic. She drinks about 5 beers a night and if there was any alcohol she would drink it too. She lives with my daddy - he is 80 - my mother passed away 3 years ago - liver cancer. My sister - I have seen her pass out - fall on the floor - drunk - etc. My daddy still buys beer - they still share the cost of it - they do not buy whiskey or any of that but he has had to haul her down to her room in the rocking chair because he could not pick her up - now what is up with that? I know I am bad enough but I do know what I do wroing - they do not want to admit there is a problem - never have. My sister is divorced twice - never could have children - I am getting off the subject and they will probly lock my thread again!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Susan

Keep doing what you are doing.

You are well on your way to becoming your father. Your son is well on his way to becoming your sister.

 

[goldenguru]

stands~

I'm sorry about your dad and sister. Since it is recognized that addiction often has a genetic component, it is important for your son to have this information about his aunt/grandad.

As far as your dad goes ... I'm not sure that older people have the knowledge that we have in regards to codependency. Your dad probably just thinks he's doing right by your sister. It's a very sad cycle huh?

Perhaps in time he will see you effectively deal with your child ... and it will cause him to see things differently.

(((hugs)))

 

[ScentofCedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

In my view, addiction is something that takes over your life.

An addict only thinks of getting high, nothing else matters to them.

In my 'addiction' to changing my son, I was consumed by it. Nothing else mattered as long as I could get my son to change.

I let everything else in my life go on the back burner and all my thoughts and strengths went into 'helping' him.

I believe there has to be a healthy balance, that is why I used the word addiction to start with.

In an addiction you are totally consumed. It can't be good for any of us to let everything in our lives go and live only to change the path that our child takes.

You can't be fully consumed by your difficult child and continue to be a healthy person and give to the others in your life that need you too.


Traci </div></div>

Wow, Traci.

That is JUST what it feels like to be consumed by thoughts of a child (even if he IS thrity-two! :shocked: ) going the wrong way.

I never looked at it like that before ~ using those words, I mean.

It takes great strength of character to beat an addiction.

Yet, I have never considered my capacity to take the helm again and steer my life in a different direction than the one I thought I was creating and would be living a strength.

It is, though.

And each one of us has done that.

What amazing women (and men) we must all be.

I literally never thought of my response to difficult child's addiciton as a courageous taking control of my own situation before, Traci.

What an insightful comment.

:smile:

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes very insightful! Well today brought me back to reality! I came home from school (teachers meeting, planning, etc) at 6:30 only to be greeted by my easy child 17 year old saying his Xbox 360, all his games, his CD;s , controllers had been stolen. He paid for all of this with his money. I hit the ceiling. I know it had to be one ofmy sons friends that had come into my house or even him. I called the police they filed a report and took fingerprints. They asked me about my son and I told them he was on probation. They said he should not live here. I said we are doing that. I told mygfg he needed to find somewhere esle to live and so did my husband - my husband was furious. My difficult child is not here now. He says he did not do it - he was at the dentist with my husband. No matter what - his friends did and they violated my house and my son. Reality always comes back. I kept thinking something was going to happen. I cannot do this anymore. I wanted to help but I had told my difficult child not to bring anyone into our house. It is fixing to be over.

 

[Suz]

Susan, you just introduced a new subject. Why didn't you start a new topic? Well, I'm not going to lock this thread. It hasn't helped so why bother? I guess you just don't want to learn how this all works. Your choice. At some point folks will just lose interest...

Suz