Star, TM, and others-

[klmno]

I just want to remind you that although we have never met, you did a wonderful thing for me. In case you don't remember, when my son pulled a knife on me and I ran from the house, he posted on this board that he's done something bad and now 'his mom' was outside and wouldn't come back in the house and he didn't know what to do.

First, I have to say that it was a remarkable feeling to know that my son did reach out to 'someplace' appropiate' after doing something like that- it made me feel like maybe he felt some remorse. It also made me extremely grateful that this board was here for him to reach out to.

Secondly, TM was suddenly posting asking if he had hurt me, if I was hurt at all.

Thirdly, Star was posting to him that he needed to give me a little breathing room to chill out after doing something like that, then go to me and tell me just what he had posted here.

I am sooooo sorry that I was already calling 911 and having him arrested just to come back to the house and find that thread later, which was eventually deleted by moderators- thank you for deleting it but thank you for giving me time to see it before it was deleted.

I get that difficult child was mainly concerned about his own rear. But I also see that he took a step toward good people who were here and he knew they were here because I had come here. And he didn't try to pull some BS on you. He seemed to be asking for an answer.

And DJ, you really jumped in there afterwards to help me and difficult child.

I am so sorry that things happened the way they did and difficult child has ended up in his situation, albeit due to his own actions. But that thread he started and the responses and actions from mods, even though deleted now, has been the grain of hope I have carried with me for nearly three years.

I just wanted to say 'Thank you' to this board and particularly to those who understand and honestly tried to help.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{klmno & difficult child}}} We love you. Always.

 

[Star*]

klmno,

You and my nephew are welcome. Never gave it a thought to talk to him - be it here - or in real life. The two for me? Not much different. I talk to people here same as I would if you were sitting in front of me. You know over the years I've thought about him a lot - and I mean A LOT. Mostly I see so MUCH remorse in your choices (as in my nemesis -the word SHOULD) as in should have - I should have done this - I should have done that. It nearly killed me, and after a lot (and I mean LOT) of therapy I was able to remove the word SHOULD from my parental regret vocabulary. I realize a lot of things could have been different had I made different choices at the time - but I made the choices I did based on what I felt was the ABSOLUTE best decision, for the knowledge I had at.that.very.moment - and had I KNOWN better at.that.very.moment? I 'may' have done things differently. We do NOT set out each day whether it's now or then - as parents, co-workers, daughters, friends, neighbors (most of us anyway) to make the ABSOLUTE worst decisions we can for the people we love and care about. We make the decisions that we do at.the.time.we.make them.....with our BEST intentions. Some situations? We aren't given time to think and they could be potentially life threatening - so we're called upon to act IMMEDIATELY....no time to think - react - best judgement call - not what we should or should not do - just make a choice NOW.....and we base that choice on past experiences in our lives, potential outcomes, Mom sense, gut feelings - and sometimes it's right, sometimes it's not right - and we have to be okay with our mistakes. If we were perfect we'd walk on water and be named Jesus. I don't know about you but MY paycheck comes with a different name, and I'm not bearing the weight and sins of the world - just my own. (thank God - not that ME) Know what I mean??

So the next time that you're sitting there - DOUBTING whether you made the right choice for your son, and regretting what YOU did? ASK YOURSELF - WOULD I HAVE THIS REGRET.....this particular regret if HE hadn't done what he did? If you answer no - then to me? There's your answer. The choice was his, he made his move - you reacted the best way you knew how for the moment at.that.time without having time and age, and a jury of your peers to sit and discuss it, thirty minutes or so to tic-tock, tic-tock OH what SHOULD I do? You did the right thing, He made a poor choice and now there are consequences he's living out and hopefully benefiting from the experience.

On a much LARGER scale - Perhaps your thinking isn't as BIG as it should be - and as a sister - lemme throw THIS at you. Let's say that night - you had gone outside and we had talked to him INSIDE....okay and you calmed down, came in, and ALL was just wiped clean and he promised never to do it again - the knife, the cigarettes - the whole ball of wax......Fini! Then he didn't go to Department of Juvenile Justice and he didn't get any instruction, or counseling for his anger problems or anything like that - like he is. So time goes on - and you're still in your job, and he's at home, gets bored and decides to do something WAY worse. Considered THAT option? I mean I did with my son. When we turned him in for burglary? It left a hole in me - and if I had it to do over again? I don't know if I'd do it again. MOst of me says NO, but the part of me that saw him grow up - TRYING to get his mess together and avoid stealing again? Yeah - that part looming over his head - did help. The part that they wanted to throw him in prison for 30 years? No - that much didn't fit. STill doesn't. But point is - the situation - kept him from going farther with whatever. Just like your son - where he's at now? Yes it's not ideal, yes - it's his childhood - but ask yourself - what kind of childhood would he be having if he weren't here to enjoy it at all? Sometimes when we feel that kind of guilt? It's not so easy to see the other side of the coin......that we really DID do something right possibly for the wrong reason.

----You're a good Mom......a little stressed like the rest of us with regrets....who isn't - but give yourself some credit for doing a dang good job and allow yourself the privlege of peace in knowing you did what you did at the time you did it because it was the best thing you knew to do - and had you KNOWN better? You would have DONE better.

Hugs -
and Love
Star

 

[buddy]

I tried to tell my family about you all. I think they think of typical social network dating sites or something where it is nice and all, but??? I am sitting here just bawling over this story and am so proud to "know" people like you all. I think I wlll do what Janet said and make sure that people know to just send a little note here in case anything ever happened to me or us. this story makes me really feel that is important.

Thanks for sharing this story. I DO think it means that your son has some insight and remorse. I know there are those that dont have that, but I think there are far more who just can't show it at times, for a variety of reasons. Hold on to those good feelings as you go through this. This is a huge change in the direction of his life with you, but it is not the end of it. It sounds like you are saying you feel that you are missing the end of his childhood now, because of these latest events. If I am hearing this wrong, please forgive me. But if so, that must be very sad indeed. But you still have time to be mother and son. You do. I started really relating to my dad when i was in my mid twenties. There is always hope. One hope I have is that you can feel long cyber arms reaching out to you.

 

[klmno]

Buddy- thank you- I think you are very insightful.

Star- I'm trying hard to come to terms with all that, but I know I need to.

TM- thank you so much- sometimes a hug can go a long way!

 

[AnnieO]

klmno... You are one of the people whose insight I really value. If you hadn't had to go through all this - my situation would have been worse I am sure - because so many things are similar with our difficult children. I don't always agree - heck, we're different people! - but I still listen.

I know it's not easy. Never, never, never - and you have done everything you can, and more. And you keep doing it. The ones who never give up - THOSE are the great parents. And you fall right into that.

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