Starting the grieving process

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Oct 22, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think that is what is happening and It's scareing me. I know that is what I wanted when I left my house because it wasn't happening there, but now I feel it coming and I feel I have no control over the time and places it hits.

    I don't know if I told you all that the very first night I slept in my house, my daughter and her boyfriend went and rented a movie called two weeks, with Sally Field. For those of you who haven't seen it, she plays a women dying of cancer and hospice comes into her home. I won't tell you anything else, except that she played this part amazingly and I felt I was sitting in my mothers room at hospice. It was very ironic that she picked that movie, not knowing what it was really about, the first night in our new house. Also the first night I even decided I was moving out, when I went to bed that night the vision of my mother in the hospital came into my head and I spent a lot of time that night thinking about it. My counselor told me my life had been thrown up in the air, dropped in pieces and I had to pick them up one piece at a time. I think the fact that I had made a decision to move out left room for me to deal with something else that night.

    Now that I'm pretty settled in my apartment and I'm spending some time there alone, I am beginning to grieve the loss of my 27 year marriage, my home that I lived in for 23 years and the loss of my mother all at once. The anger over his affair is really starting to kick in more and more also, along with the timing of when he did it and his ability to yet move into another new relationship so quickly. I guess he doesn't feel the need to deal with any of this as I do, but like someone said, men replace, women grieve. Sounds pretty right in this story.

    I know all of this has to be done, but I'm not looking forward to it. I go to counseling on Wednesday and I think I am going to be more then ready for it by then.

    Thanks to all of you for listening to me and being there for me, even though you don't always tell me what I want to hear, but I know that could be a good thing.
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Sending you the biggest big bad kitty hugs.
     
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Karen}}} Sending you some more warm hugs and support.
     
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Don't be hard on yourself. Even when you think you have this licked it can still sneak up on you, but you sound good. You are being honest... These things take time, there is no schedule for the heart... I know you probably want it to be done, but you have to let nature take it's course. It will bring up stuff at different times, sometimes happy, sad, angry... try not to hold on to the anger. It sounds already like you are the better and bigger person out of all of this!!!

    It will get easier, it will never be gone, he is part of you, and always will be. One day at a time... you are doing great!!!
     
  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    It's good that you are grieving. Be angry. He's a jerk. Like I've said before, he is the type of man that can't stand himself, so he needs to be around someone else to make him feel better.

    It's probably a good thing to tell Jill that he should stop talking to her now. You really don't need to hear his shenanigans anymore. The stupid things he says is just hurtful even though they are so ridiculous. Let him stew in his happiness for now, but it will come crashing down, trust me!
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry. I cant imagine just how painful this is for you right now. I think you are going to grieve this in bits and pieces. It will take you time to move on and build a new life. Its ok to feel whatever you feel.

    Like they always say, it gets harder before it gets better.
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> it gets harder before it gets better. </div></div>

    That is the part that scares me and I think that is why I continue to want to hear the stupid stuff he's doing. I find when things get hard, I try and take the easy way out. I'm always afraid that I'm going to start thinking maybe what he did wasn't so bad and it would just be easier to try and work things out and stay together then to go through everything I know is ahead of me. I think that is why I may have stayed in the marriage for so long, when thinking back, I have been unhappy for so long. It was easier just to live that way and sacrifice my happiness then to go through what is ahead of me now. I just have to remember that I know in my heart, if I allow myself to take what looks like the easy way out now, I will be in this same place again somebody very soon and I don't ever want to go through this again.

    I guess I have to suit up and put on my warrior gear. :warrior: The biggest thing I need to always do at all times is to think long and hard before I make any major moves or decisions. I don't want to jump into anything that I am going to regret later on down the road.
     
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just be prepared, Karen. It is a long, long, long process. I
    initiated a separation in l969 from Ex. In all those decades I
    have been really angry (with cause) and I have been polite to
    his subsequent four wives and I have shared our childrens wedding
    days with him (husband and I footing the bills, of course) BUT...this
    is REALLY important...when I hear news about friends we shared
    in high school or college or during our years of marriage I wish
    I could just pick up the phone and share the news. We have
    history. We have children. We have grandchildren.

    Although our marriage ended, Ex and I had a zillion fun times
    in our teens and twenties. I still, on occasion, grieve for my
    old friend. Most of the time I wish he would just disappear so
    I would never have to see or hear him again. on the other hand we have a
    connection that nobody else can share. You and your husband started
    as teens also. You will never have a replacement for him. If
    you take your time and are really lucky, however, you will find
    the man to share your life for the future.

    Grieving is healthy. DDD
     
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I do know exactly what you are saying DDD. Sometimes I start to wonder if this makes the last 27 years a waste of time, but I know the answer to that. Just because it doesn't work anymore, it did work at one time and I can hang onto those good memories and I know in my heart it was not all a waste. There were many good years in the beginning, and we have two wonderful children that will always be ours. The thought of ever being with him again physically, makes me ill. I do not miss that part at all because he has made it impossible for me to miss. Him not being a part of my life at all, even though I am still so angry and hurt, I do sometimes miss. He has been a part of my everyday life for 30 years. I know that is going to take a long long time to get over and it's not going to be easy.

    I guess what really makes me angry is that I don't think he's feeling what I am feeling. He's moving onto another relationship so he doesn't have to face this and feel this way. I guess if I really wanted to, I could do the same thing, but I know it will all have to be dealt with eventually, so why put it off.

    He has made my life pretty miserable, so I think his should be the same now. Instead he's starting a new relationship and taking the excitement of that to replace what we had and I'm sure he's taking this excitement and thinking, see, these are all the things that were wrong in our marriage. This is what was missing. Just wait until she has to divide her attention between him and her daughter.
     
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Karen, I am sorry you are feeling sad and scared. If it helpsany, I do think you are doing the right thing by taking time to sort out your feelings and recover before looking for another relationship. You and your EX will always be connected since you share history and family and because you grew up together. Unfortunately growing up often is accompinied by growing apart. Your ex chose to fill a void he was feeling in a very damaging and inappropriate way. Instead of facing it and trying to work it through with you. He took it elsewhere and indulged fantacys that inevetably will loose their luster over time. By doing this he robbed you of the opportunity to try to repair and restore a failing marriage before it went to the act that you could not get past. You will feel a whole range of emotions as you recover from this blow. Try to deal with them in small managable doses. Take your time with this and you will be better off in the long run. -RM
     
  11. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending some hugs your way.

    Beth
     
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Karen, just loads and loads of hugs. I am sorry you are grieving. It is painful. All aspects of it.
    :sad:



    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I'm always afraid that I'm going to start thinking maybe what he did wasn't so bad and it would just be easier to try and work things out and stay together then to go through everything I know is ahead of me. I think that is why I may have stayed in the marriage for so long, when thinking back, I have been unhappy for so long. It was easier just to live that way and sacrifice my happiness then to go through what is ahead of me now. </div></div>

    It is my very humble and probably nieve (sp?) opinion that if it was there at one time, it can be there again. Just because you both did not deal with your marital problems as they arose, does not mean they can not be dealt with now.
    I completely understand if you could never forgive him for cheating. Some people can, some can not. I am not sure what I would do. But, you must realize that this 27 year relationship is very valuable and precious. Just because it was not maintained properly does not mean it is completely broken. You have been unhappy for so long - because you did not change it then by working. Because it was easier to do nothing.

    I am not trying to change your mind - just like you said above, want you to hear all aspects.
     
  13. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I think that your H will eventually grieve also. Right now, this is his way of dealing with the pain....the parade of other women. YOU are the smarter one by dealing with it on your own and with your therapist. I know it looks like he's just having a ball and not hurting a bit over the loss of a longtime marriage, but it'll come back and bite him in the backside one of these days.....and you will have already dealt with it.

    Thank you so much for posting here. There's no way to tell you how many people you may be helping....with your honesty and the baring of your soul. You are a wonderful person, and brave, and smart, and you will see how strong this will make you.
     
  14. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think he is grieving in a very typical male fashion -- by denial. If he admits he needs and misses you, if he admits that he was the cause of the failure of your marriage, if he admits that he made bad choices, he admits that he is failed -- as a husband and as a man. That's pretty hard to swallow.

    This may sound mean, but I'm glad you're grieving. You need to grieve not just for your marriage but for your mother. You really haven't had a chance to breath, let alone take in all the hurt you've suffered. Cry when you need. Laugh when you can. So, warm and gentle hugs.
     
  15. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    No words of wisdom to offer, just a shoulder to lean on.....thinking of you as you move into the rest of your life....
     
  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: busywend</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    It is my very humble and probably nieve (sp?) opinion that if it was there at one time, it can be there again. Just because you both did not deal with your marital problems as they arose, does not mean they can not be dealt with now.
    I completely understand if you could never forgive him for cheating. Some people can, some can not. I am not sure what I would do. But, you must realize that this 27 year relationship is very valuable and precious. Just because it was not maintained properly does not mean it is completely broken. You have been unhappy for so long - because you did not change it then by working. Because it was easier to do nothing.

    I am not trying to change your mind - just like you said above, want you to hear all aspects. </div></div>

    We actually did try and do this around 4 years ago. We went to the same counselor together that we are seeing seperatley now. It worked for a little while, but not for long. I don't think I had the feelings anymore to continue to put the energy it took to keep it going. Like I have said before, it's no excuse for him having an affair. If he wasn't happy with the way things were going, he should have just left. I have to deal with the guilty feelings of not really being happy in the marriage for quite a long time, but not having the courage to end it. I guess I just always thought things might change and get better, but apparentley they didn't.

    Thank you all so much for your support.

    I went to the house after work and got lots of holiday decorations packed up in a box. my house is now pretty festive for halloween and thanksgiving. I have all my autumn cented candles burning and I brought home a rug that was in our basement that we used to have under our dining room table. I put it in my kitchen and it looks awesome. My kitchen is big and pretty open, so it was kind of echoey. Not anymore :smile:

    Porkchops are baking in the oven and I'm waiting for easy child to come home for dinner.

    I grabbed the photo album my dad sent home with me from Florida with lots of pictures from my parents when they were young, up to my kids being little. I think I'll spend some time looking through that tonight.

    I'm feeling a little better tonight.

    Thank you all!!!
     
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am glad to hear that you tried. At least you will never have to wonder.

    Enjoy looking at the albums. I just redid all the albums with difficult child in them from the time she was born. It brought back a ton of memories. Mostly good ones because she was so cute!
     
  18. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! I hope this helps,

    I'll bet your Mom is floating around right now giving you the lift, love and power to handle all of this. Look for the signs and you'll see. Open yourself up to that "feeling" that you used to get when you would talk to her on the phone, see her on vacation, get or send a card in the mail.

    She's there. She knows what's going on. And she's comforting you.

    Close your eyes and <u>see</u> her.

    She's there.

    You know.

    Seeing and believing, :angel:

    Beth
     
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Karen, you have to give yourself time and space to grieve. Be good to yourself.
    In regard to the last 27 yrs being a waste, I have a friend who is divorced, and she said, "It was good until it wasn't." :smile: There were certainly parts of your marriage that worked and parts that you enjoyed, but overall, I hear you saying that you were unhappy and clearly, your ex was unhappy, too. I completely understand what you mean about no longer having the energy to put into this relationship. It's hard enough to just put one foot in front of the other.
    {{hugs}}
     
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Karen,

    I think you have already begun to grieve..

    Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Anger, Acceptance are what I've always understood were the 'stages' of grieving. You're sorta hitting every one of those for different reasons, making it harder to heal and move on.

    Harder; not impossible. You should give yourself credit for keeping your sanity through all of this. You're an incredibly resilient woman who's going to be just fine whenever you decide just fine is.

    Many hugs for all the crud you've had to wade through these past few months. I was talking with DF tonight about your situation and told him what you had gone through. The only thing he said about your husband was "What a class act". Then he said "She certainly deserves better."

    Just thought I'd share that with you.

    Many hugs
    Star
     
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