Starting the grieving process

[witzend]

Oh, honey... I'm so sorry. You're right to grieve. It's a dream that you invested in for nearly 30 years and it's gone now. It will be a long hard slog. It's funny that I should read this post just now. I was listening to "All Things Considered" today on the radio, and a guest journalist was talking about it being ok to be sad when it was appropriate. Her bottom line was that she was unhappy because of an unexpected painful illness that had gone un/misdiagnosed. People kept telling her to "look on the bright side". She tried to be cheerful for a week, but it only made her feel worse. A friend who is a therapist told her to tell those people,

"Friends, I would like to be more cheerful, but right now I am too terrified to be cheerful. So I will let you know when I am not terrified anymore."

She said that people understood this, and as soon as she said it she began got feel more comfortable with herself, and to know that she would work her way through her trouble. I know that you will do the same.

Here's a link to the broadcast/article, in case anyone would like to read or listen to it.

A positive outlook is overrated

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Karen,

believe me, I can relate. My father passed away and two weeks later bonehead said he wanted a seperation. And we too had many years invested in our relationship. This November will be our 23rd anniversary, if the divorce is not final by then (it's in the works), plus five years before that. So I do understand about dealing with the loss and the dissapointment at the same time.

While I pertty quickly realized that I was going to be ok, it was still the loss of a dream I held for 25 years. And, there was no way was I moving out of the house. This is my home and if he wants out of the relationship, either by words or actions, he can go. I love my home and am happy here, and so are my children.

Don't feel that the years have been a waste. My mom said that to me one time. "You all shouldn't have gotten married." Not true. Part of who I am is because of the last 30. I have two wonderful children from this union. I have a lovely home. I have a business that I believe in.

Don't ever feel that things were a waste or for nothing. Nothing happens for no reason. Everything you have done in the past contributes to who you and your children are.

Hang in there. It gets better and you will begin to feel in charge and free - it's a good thing when your ex is a bonehead like mine!!!

Sharon

 

[KFld]

Thanks Sharon. Your story sounds like it's as close to mine as it can get. I know those years weren't a waste because I do have two beautiful children also. I wouldn't have them if I hadn't married him in the first place and there were many good years along the way.

We haven't started the divorce process yet. That is what I was taking the time and space to really think about because I didn't want to jump into anything to quickly that I would regret later. Guess I didn't really think he'd have a new girlfriend the day after I moved out to take that time and space.

Right now I'm being stubborn and waiting for him to file because he has it in his head, even though as the counselor pointed out that he already left me when he chose to have an affair, that he will never be the one to serve me or file, I will have to be the one to leave him. He is counting on this because he wants to say to people, look my wife left me, so he can further justify why he has a girlfriend already. Another cowardly move on his part. I have no intention of starting a new relationship, so I really have no reason to start that process yet. Let him step up to the plate for once. It won't bother me if he serves me, because he already left me two months ago. As far as I'm concerned nothing can hurt anymore then what he has already done.

 

[guest3]

HUGS, I couldn't even imagine having the grief of losing a parent combined witht he pain of divorce. <<<HUGS>>>

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">but like someone said, men replace, women grieve. </div></div>

I'm "someone."

A friend told me this when husband and I split so I passed on that wisdom to you.

It was true for me so I'm not surprised to see that it's also proving to be true in your situation. It's one of the differences in men and women, I've found.

Don't hurry yourself, Karen. You are grieving many losses...your Mom, your marriage, your way of life, your dog, some of your furnishings, your dreams, your memories, your friend.......good grief........you have a long road ahead. You are going to be up/down/around/and through many times because the path to recovery isn't straight. You will surprise yourself with your feelings of delight to be free, your rage, your despair. You will have good days and bad/ good moments and bad.

It's okay. You need to experience it to come out the other end.

Hugs,
Suz