Starting to really dislike my son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by walson, Feb 22, 2014.

  1. walson

    walson New Member

    I adopted my son when he was 4. He lived in a foster home because his mother was on drugs. When the adoption was finalized I found out she died.

    My son has always been a challenge. The social worker told me that the kids living in the foster home were manipulative. The foster mother was illiterate and would manipulate her and that is why she could not adopt my son.

    He has been very challenging and stubborn but also has a sweet side to him. At times I was thinking it's just me until one day he was out with my father and he told me that he resents me. He is willing to do for everyone but me. At that time he was over there helping my father like nurse Betty.

    I have sent him to many therapist to help because of his grades and attitude.

    He has spun on of control where I sent him to a teen home for a week. At the time the therapist was present and agreed. He has never acted that way again but very passive aggressive, stubborn at times even a little evil. I was paying for a therapist recently but when the therapist invited me into the sessions all of a sudden he did not want to go.

    I recently had surgery. I called and asked him for a sandwich and he brought it. But since has never checked on me or helped me. When trying to walk up the stairs with packages, he just sat there watching tv. At that point I was frustrated and in pain and told him to get out at the end of the month. He stressed that we have a contract with another end date and I told him that he already breached it when not doing the things listed on the contract.

    There is so much drama behind him. He was in the Army and quit, he won't go to school, he only wanted to work part time because he didn't want the stress. And so many others, those are just the big and recent ones. I have offered to pay his deposit and rent but he does not want to leave. When we are in stores he is up underneath me. He calls me when he doesn't feel well.

    Why does he want to be around me and hate me? Why does he not want to be out on his on?

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Glad you found us but sorry you needed to, you're not alone I have a 19yo who is totally dependent on me yet acts like hates me, expects me to do everything for her but then yells at me for doing nothing. Sometimes just wish she would make up her mind.

    Others will be along shortly & while your waiting the first thread on this forum about detachment is really good reading, many of us (I included) have printed it so to have it available all the time.

    Nancy
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Since he was adopted at an older age, he probably has some degree of attachment problems. That could be part of the problem. Read this and see if it fits. It is not an excuse (nor would it be HIS fault he turned out this way), however it is an explanation. Although your child was not in an orphanage, being separated from any birthparent and mistreated at a young age (1-3) can cause reactive attachment disorder. It is far from just orphanage children.

    http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=513

    Is there drug use involved? The law? Disrespect? Violence? Did his birthmother, whoever she was, use drugs or drink when she was pregnant, which could possibly cause organic brain damage of varying degrees? I speak as the mom of a child adopted at two from a drug addicted birthmother...and although he is pretty well behaved, his autistic spectrum disorder was probably caused by the drugs his birthmother used while pregnant. He was lucky it wasn't worse, but it IS worse for some kids.

    Ok. Now we don't know much yet. Your son is now an adult, I assume. If so, no matter WHY he is dangerous to you, if indeed he is, he should not be living at home. If he isn't...we need more information. He won't work or he CAN'T work? If he can't, he needs to get on disability and have adult supports. Either way, none of us were put on earth to take care of difficult grown children for our entire lives. At some point, if they are able bodied and able minded, we have to make them leave the nest, even if it's hard to do, or they will never grow up. If they are disabled, there are adult supports that can help them and they can still leave the home.

    Has your son had any diagnoses, like a mood disorder, or attachment disorder (it is hard for professionals to catch it and few look for it), conduct disorder, anything? If you knew his birthparent's history, you know he can inherit from them too. You did not mention drugs. Does he use drugs? Drink too much?

    Although we are a great pair of strong shoulders to help you with, we need to know more about HOW to help you. One size does not necessarily fit all and you haven't told us much about your son. I adopted four kids. One was six when we adopted him. He is doing GREAT financially and with his married-into-it family (I think), but he walked out of our lives completely and I havden't seen him for five years. It about killed me. A psychologist I saw who only does work with adoptive families is positive our son had some form of attachment disorder...and I think so too now that I understand it and look back at how he alwaysj pushed away my mothering, wanted to do it himself, and never wanted to be at home. He spent his formative first three years somewhere else...makes sense that he didn't bond with our family like a child who came as an infant would have. But the hard part was how I loved him as if I'd given birth to him and it didn't matter to him. He still coldly walked away.

    I do not know if your son struggles with this, but if his foster home did not meet his needs, it would make sense that he has some of the same issues. Behavior problems, sometimes severe, are almost always the rule with children who are adopted at an older age. Our family is just darn lucky that our boy that we adopted at age two was not already attachment damaged, however he was in a marvelous, loving foster home and that made all the difference. Our son we adopted at six lived in an orphanage, which is akin to a neglectful foster home. He got the physical care, but he didn't get the love...

    I hope you feel free to share, but if you don't feel safe yet, then read some other moms and our advice. In the end, it comes down to...we deserve to have good lives even if our children choose not to. And sometimes we just plain need space to detach. Yes, even from our own children, if they make us mentally or physically ill or are too difficult to live with.

    If it makes you feel better, the little you wrote makes him sound better than many older adoptees. Did he ever pee or poop in inappropriate places or smear his feces? Did he have a fascination with fire or start fires? Any time you caught him being cruel to animals of any kind? Ever try to seriously hurt another child, like do a choke on them?

    Basically, the honest truth is, you can not adopt an older child and expect him to be the same as a child who you've had since infancy. I've been in an active adoptive parent group for over twenty years and it just very seldom happens that they do as well as their peers, especially if they were drug exposed in utero or in a horrible situation early in life. The mind may forget, but it's all there in their subconscious and it affects their ability to live a normal life. His foster family may even sexually abused him. One social worker told me over 90% of the kids in foster care were sexually abused, although some block it out. This was her talking, not me, so I don't know if she is exaggerating or not, but so many older adopted kids sexually act out on other kids that I really don't doubt her, although there is no proof she is right.

    Kids adopted in infancy do better, although they also do better if they weren't drug exposed in utero. My non-drug exposed adopted children are doing great, although one had a rough time as a teen...she was able to triumph over it. I tell everyone who asks that if they want to adopt, adopt a child as close to birth as you can.

    Hugs and wishing you a peaceful, serene night.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2014
  4. walson

    walson New Member

    Thank you for your replies. Yes we were told he had been exposed to drugs in tge uterus. They told us he would probably have problems keeping still. He also had a fascination with scissors. He would always cut his clothing.

    The therapist tested and found nothing wrong. I thought he would have a problem with depression because my mother passed, my ex cheated and he had to defend me and we got a divorce. My ex was an introvert so never really a strong figue in his life. Now he sleeps in his car. And a couple of years ago my father passed. So I was a wreck and I was trying to help him the best that I could. He was in the Army which was the first thing he excelled in. But he failed the running and had to do boot camp again. In that short amount of time he started hanging out with a lazy group and didn't want to go back.



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  5. walson

    walson New Member

    I read what I wrote and say maybe it is me. But then I think of the disobedience and how he continues to try to make my like hard and I say that no it isn't me.
     
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Walson, I am glad you are here with us. I read what you wrote too, Walson.

    Nope.

    It isn't you.

    As you become familiar with our stories, what you will see is that though our kids come from all possible walks of life and have been raised with many different parenting styles, their situations and manipulative, hurtful behaviors are strikingly similar. Each of us was right where you are now when we came to the site, Walson. Vulnerable, defenseless, certain we had somehow created the situations our children found themselves in. We were ready to do anything, to try anything, to help our kids turn their lives around.

    I was so very ashamed, when I came here. I expected to be condemned as a terrible parent, once the truth finally came out. Not only was I not condemned Walson, but because of the parents here, I learned, and learned to accept, what the real nature of the problem was.

    It took months for them to convince me, first of all that my son was using drugs, and then, that it was the drug use that was causing the problems. I was so sure the drug use was a symptom of some dark psychological secret, some harm I had done him, something he was using drugs to escape. Then, we got stuck on the idea that it was his sister's problems, and our inattentiveness to his needs during that time that was the dark, horrible thing he was reacting to. Our son even told me that it was my desertion of him during that time that caused his problems. Just within the past year or so, I was able finally to understand, again thanks to the other parents on this site, that my son said those things to me because that was what I felt most guilty about.

    My own son used whatever would work to manipulate me into taking the fall for his drug use and everything that happened to him because of his drug use. He is still using those tactics. The difference is that the healthier I get, I am responding from a different place, a guilt-free place. Once I stopped feeling guilty? I started to really hear how he was talking to me. It's like, I excused so much because I thought he was working through some troubled something that I could help him with.

    Now, I understand that was never true.

    He was abusing me and, through me, his father, because he could.

    Why did he want to? I don't know. The difference now is that, unless he is willing to keep a civil tongue in his head, I don't care if I ever talk to him, again.

    I want my real son back, not this cheap imitation of my son that seems to be all the drugs left of him.

    Ew.

    What is all that doing in a letter of welcome-to-the-site-we-can-help?!?

    :O)

    I seem to have gotten in touch with my anger at long last, Walson. I am erupting all over the place as I go through the layers and layers of hurt and guilt and shame.

    Well, that is alright.

    One of us has suggested that you read the information on detachment posted at the top of this site. Please do that as soon as you can, Walson. Just to read the information on detachment, just to know there is another way to see what is happening to you and to your son, will help.

    Cedar
     
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