Starting to understand my adopted kids...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ThreeShadows, Jul 15, 2012.

  1. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Through, I have found out that I am not who I thought I was for 60+ years. My paternal grandfather, whom I never met, was adopted by the family I always thought of as my own. Actually, his mom kept him and her new husband took him as his own. I never met them until this Easter. I had to do a lot of digging to find them. They were extremely welcoming to me, as if we were relatives all these decades without knowing each other existed. It is a shock to have an identity crisis at the age of 63. I find that I am unable to start a new family tree with this new info. It feels simply wrong. I'm not at all interested in meeting these new people, my paternal blood. My heart is with those whose name I carry. There are a ton of blood relatives out there. I don't really care.

    I realize that the fact that a mother kept her child is different from our boys' being adopted out and our daughter's being left in an orphanage.

    My father never knew the truth. Though he abandoned my mother and me for a much younger new wife, I thank the family with whom I always have identified, though I never met them until recently. I thought this would be important for me to post, considering what we all have been going through as adoptive parents on this board. I had agonized over how our children must feel. The future is in their hands. I hope they chose the best thing for their heart and soul.

    God bless you all!
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    I imagine it was rather life-changing to get this info, even at 63. The good news is that you have the maturity and perspective to react appropriately. I had a friend that discovered she was adopted in her early twenties. She said she realized her life had been on sand before that and the ground shifted into place once she knew.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    TM, my husband's family had a case where a boy was raised as the brother of his mother. When he found the truth, at the age of 16, he ran away from home and joined the Merchant Marines. I don't know if he ever reconnected. When we got the boys, my father in law begged me not to tell them. He said they would gang up on me. He was right, they finally realized that I was scared of their size (you've met me, they were hockey players). I've agonized over whether or not I should have lied to them. It would have been so much easier for husband and me, so much harder for them. I'm glad they have known the truth all these years. It was hard, I was bending over difficult child 2 when he was little and he asked me if he could hear his daddy's voice when he was in my tummy. That was really painful.
  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    When I went back east last year to visit my mother who was dying, I found out from a family member that I have a half brother and sister. My father was married before he married my mother, and I have a half brother from that relationship. I only met him once when I was very small - my mother wouldn't let him be a part of the family. When my parents divorced, he lived with a woman who had 7 kids to start with - they were together from when I was 11 till when my father died a few years ago. The two siblings I was forbidden to be told about was from that relationship - everyone knew but me.

    I think it is very sad that my mother carried the hatred for my father all those years and knowing once she went, I would have no relatives left at all and would be all alone. I have often thought about looking for them but wouldn't even know their name since their mother and my father were not married. It definately leaves one with a weird feeling :(

  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    My mother told my niece that she was not my brother's child when she was extremely rebellious and only 14 years old. She was in trouble before this and is still trying to completely get back on track. She ran off to her bio-dad (who beat her mother while she was pregnant) but eventually came back when he showed his true colors to her. She has kept in contact with him, but only because there are several siblings with different mothers. She calls bio-dad by his his first name and my brother "Dad". Or "Daddy" when she wants something.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have a nephew who doesn't know my bro is not his bio dad. He was born to his mom during her brief first marriage, and biodad gave up his rights so as not to have to pay child support. Bro adopted him formally not too many years after he married his first wife. As far as I know, no one has told him the truth about bro. But it wouldn't surprise me if someone let it slip on purpose, say his mom after she and bro split up finally. I sort of hope someone has been kind enough to tell him the truth before it gets blurted out in an unkind way. Yet to discover it now would be painful, I'd imagine. Problem is that his mom, ummm "got around" so odds are the man listed as his biodad is probably not either. Heaven help any of the kids from that union should they have to have DNA tests done as none of them would match bro. (like I said, that wife got around a LOT from the moment she hit puberty)

    I wouldn't take info on any genealogy site for granted as being the absolute truth. My eldest cousin "supposedly" did our entire family tree, wrote a book about how to do it correctly, taught classes on it. In short, made a great deal of money with the idea. He got in just as it was beginning to catch on. Only problem is, a vast majority of the information in our family tree is incorrect, except for his own immediate family (as far as I know, shoot he might have that wrong too). Yes, he interviewed everyone and collected the information. I know, as I provided the vast majority of that when I had my basic photographic type memory it was all stored in my brain......on any family member that was immediate, and all those extended family members I was close to. I don't know what he did with said information, which was also backed up by the families themselves, but it certainly never made it into the family tree or his book (which used our family as an example). I've corrected his info provided on several times and someone continues to change it back to the incorrect data. ugh (or did way back when I last used it)

    My advice on if you want to know for certain it's true, is do the research yourself.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    So sad for all concerned. Family is so important. It is quite a revelation for me that's it's not so much about blood as it's about acceptance. I hope that Linda's kids can realize that soon.

    It is heart breaking that little ones have no say in which family they will grow. They are powerless and that includes people like me who would have chosen to be born into a family which really wanted them.

    Marcie, I'm confused about your 1/2 sibs. Were your dad and their mom legally married? If so, you can find them through the 1940 federal census which is being indexed as we speak. California is available. I found my g'father (the adopted one). I'm assuming that you are around my age, hope I'm not insulting you!
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I found out I had a half brother several years ago when my dad suddenly decided to tell us because he thought he was going to die from some medical condition and decided it was time he met his son and we our brother.What made this even worse is that he was born while my parents were married, in between myself and my younger sister. When I heard the news I wasn't shocked, there was always some secret in the family about some boy, my parents had three boys so any talk of a boy had to be someone else. I was intrigued so I agreed to meet him with my dad at a restaurant. He was nice enough but didn't look at all like anyone from our family and it was hard for me to accept the fact as true. I also resented his mother very much for doing this to my mother and our family and it renewed a lot of negative feelings I had toward my dad. Supposedly he supported the son until he was 18 but I really have no idea if that is true.

    Anyway after dad opened the can of wroms he decided he didn't want any contact with his son and left me to pick up the pieces. I continued to communicate and met a few times with my brother over the next year but it caused many problems with my sister who refused to meet him or want to know anything about him and my own family with my easy child angry at grandpa and threatened with my friendship with him as if I was cheating on husband. I ended up cutting off communication and wished my dad had left it alone. I am still angry that he did that just to serve his curiosity.

    difficult child once told me she wished we had kept her adoption a secret. Of course we couldn;t do that but it does point out the complexities of these situations and the emotional turmoil that comes with it.

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow. That is so hard to come to grips with, ThreeShadows. Yes, it is about acceptance and familiarity and loyalty ... and ultimately, love. is an amazing tool. Sometimes it's a tool of destruction.
  10. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Tourette's Syndrome, as far as I know my father never married her. I don't even know if they carry his name, or what her last name is. I know she posted on line on my brothers obit when he died, and listed herself as my fathers companion. This all took place back in PA so maybe I will check to see if they have the census records for the 50's.

    My boys actually have a half sister via their father. The story he told to me was the woman's husband was gay, and she wanted to have children so he obliged:sigh: He said no one ever knew about it, and I never thought about it. Until, that is, the girl got ahold of his sister and told her she was her neice. My Xsil told my X, who told the boys, but advised the girl he wanted no further contact. Another sad case - the girl is all alone in the world, and has family she is not allowed to know. She is probably the same age as my eldest. Just goes to show I guess that skeletons in the closet more often than not fall out when the door is opened

  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Marcie, the latest census that you can access is the 1940 one. I guess you are younger than I thought!
  12. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I will be 62 in October Tourette's Syndrome :) - Same age as you. I would have to talk to my sister in law who has been doing a complete family tree for eons to get info on my boy's half sister. I can't access it via Ancestry as she lives in England and doesn't use that web site.