Staying detached.....

[toughlovin]

is not easy!!! Ha but of course you all know that!

I am leaving today for a couple of days with my easy child to look at a couple of colleges since she has spring vacation from school. I am looking forward to a couple of days with her, just her and me. There is no way I want my worries about difficult child to get in the way..... and if he calls I want to wait and not answer if she and I are in the middle of something. A good plan.

I did check his phone records this morning and there has been no texting since yesterday afternoon which probably means his phone needs to be charged.... but of course it interfered a bit with my peace of mind.

So send me good time vibes with my easy child and that I won't get caught up in his drama whatever it is.

TL

 

[Nancy]

TL I hope you go and put all else out of your mind and concentrate on having productive college visits with easy child, who so deserves it. I look back on all the times my difficult child ruined when I was with easy child, once while we were in NYC together at the museum of natural history and husband called to tell me they put difficult child in detention for the weekend and I cried the rest of the day and ruined the visit for her. Never again.

Let us know how the visits go. This was a fun time for us with easy child and you never got to do it with difficult child so enjoy it. Everytime you find yourself getting sad over his lost opportunities think about how easy child is taking advantage of it and enjoy it for her.

Nancy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi TL, I hope you and your easy child have a wonderful time, it's an exciting fun experience and I sincerely hope you REALLY enjoy every moment. I was thinking about something I think Nancy (or was it Kathy?) said about putting the negative thoughts in to a box, compartmentalizing. In my group the other night, the therapist spoke about teaching us to compartmentalize in a healthy way by imagining a box and placing what we cannot control or don't want to give any real thought to right now, into this box. She suggested we have an actual box and write down what we want to put aside and place it in the box. Perhaps before you leave, you can place difficult child worries in the box, just for the time spent away, so you and easy child can be free of the worry. And, when you return, you can certainly open the box and retrieve whatever you're wanting from it. "Good time vibes" are coming your way in spades. ENJOY!!

 

[Tiredof33]

It does get easier with time, when you finally realize that they will always do what they want to do. But, they will always be your child and I think it would be very hard to not let the 'flair ups' worry us. There is always the void, the dissapointment, the worry, but it does get easier to control and does not last as long with time.

Recovering - we were taught that in an Anthony Robbins seminar! I now visualize me physically giving my difficult child to a Higher Power, taking a deep breath, and move on to something I can control.

TL turn your phone off and enjoy your time with easy child, once she gets busy with school you may not have this chance again for a while.

(((sending good vibes along with prayers)))

 

[Kathy813]

I was thinking about something I think Nancy (or was it Kathy?) said about putting the negative thoughts in to a box, compartmentalizing. In my group the other night, the therapist spoke about teaching us to compartmentalize in a healthy way by imagining a box and placing what we cannot control or don't want to give any real thought to right now, into this box. She suggested we have an actual box and write down what we want to put aside and place it in the box.

That was me! It has been the only way that I could survive the chaos that difficult child brings into our lives. I didn't even know I was doing something that a therapist would suggest. It's nice to know that I was doing something right!

I don't have an actual box, though.

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

Love the box idea. Actually, sometimes this forum is my box if that makes sense. (still loopy lol) Seriously tho-writing it put helps me sort thru it, reading the responses gives new perspectives and lets me know that I am not crazy nor alone and then it's easier to let it go back in the real world. Like I can think about it when I am here which makes it easier to let it go when I am not here... Unless its huge -and then -even a box the size of Texas wouldn't help! Even so-someone here usually gives me a hug & tells me to snap out of it and I am better off...

TL, you are doing great. I know how off kilter it can make you feel when you are planning for easy child's bright future while you watch difficult child self implode. Colors your joy a bit. Have a wonderful time with your daughter--let us know how it goes!

 

[Elsieshaye]

@Signorina: Yes - I use this forum and a couple others as my boxes, depending on what the issue is. So helpful to be able to put things somewhere so I won't forget them, but where I can just set them aside for a little while until I'm ready to deal with them again. Also with the added benefit that people's responses give me other ways of looking at the situation.

@TL: Have a wonderful time with your easy child!!