Staying Strong With difficult child...Help

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by TYLERFAN, Oct 14, 2007.


    TYLERFAN New Member

    Hi Family:

    I rarely post my own since I am either too ashamed to, as I only post sometimes, and not to everyone, although I read them all. I am sorry for that. Now that I am once again Unemployed, I am hoping to be here more. :smile:
    difficult child, I can't figure out what is going on. Something is happening again with her, I am not sure what. :hypnosis: I will give you the facts, if anyone can hazard a guess, I would appreciate it. I am of course thinking the worst. :nonono:
    She has moved out of an established sober house into a house where she is supposed to be asst or acting house manager. The "sober" people will come to the house in 1-2 weeks. Her employer, or the one who helped her get this "job" is the one she relapsed with last time, hoever that girl has recently graduated from her program and is living on her own, running some of the houses and getting to see her children on visitations to her house more.....That being said.....Her visits were suspended recently for non-compliance with her agreement. We just went to court and will have baby J at least 3 more years. :bravo:
    difficult child has a bad attitude today when I pick her up, is demanding that I have no right to give baby haircut without her..... :rofl:
    Text messaging me disgusting hateful things. Boyfriend still using.
    Seems tired, is emotional and moody all day. (More than Usual)...Other visits have not been like this since she signed the papers in court this week. AND the PROBABLE GIVE AWAY :hypnosis:......When I dropped her off in a nasty snit this evening.....she was rumaging thru her keys and I saw a cut clear straw come out of her bag, she tried to be non-chalant and turned a bit away from me, I saw it twice :hammer:
    OKAY.....I'm thinking she is coming off a run........or is currently on one. Oh, did I mention she has money and no food, I fed her 2 meals today. I also told her that I am the one doing her the favor of raising her child and tht she better change her attitude.
    But when I saw that straw...... :nonono: :devil: :ill: :sad:
    Here we are again and she hasn't made 90 days....I don't think.
    Please send Prayers and guesses if you think I am wrong.

    Melissa :flower:
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I think you are probably right. I'm sorry {{{Hugs}}}
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah, I am going to trust your instincts, too. She is probably on the wrong path again.
    So sorry!
  4. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Sure doesn't sound too promising. Keep the faith, take care of you. Maybe difficult child was just acting out due to feeling regret / guilt about the court hearing & her son? Maybe freaking out a bit at the responsibility of managing a sober house?

    Maybe the straw is just a prop, a safety net.

    yeah....I know....and maybe pigs fly....

    Sorry my friend!! (((Hugs)))

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry. I think you are on the money. That type of behavior is
    one more reminder to keep her away from J unless you are very
    very closely observing and supervising. It's just not possible
    to think straight when you are using or thinking of using or hanging out with those who are using.

    Refocus..think Big Three (husband, J and "me"). That is where your
    thoughts have to be. Hugs. DDD
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It's a real shame that she is going to be put in charge of others who are moving in to work the program and try and stay clean. They don't have a chance if the person in charge of them is using herself.
    Is there anyone you can alert to this. Not even to alert them for her sake, but for the sake of others.

    This makes me cringe because my difficult child has lived in soberhouses and I know how bad it can end up if you move in there feeling it's a safe place and it ends up the opposite.

    I think your instincts are right though. Especially if her boyfriend is still using. You cannot be spending time with someone who is using and not use yourself if you are an addict. It's impossible as far as I'm concerned.

    I'm just wondering if she's been given this responsibility by this person who is using herself, if she just won't be drug tested like the others moving into the house.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I also think you are right in your suspicions. Please be sure to keep Baby J and yourself safe.

    Can I ask how she managed to be placed in charge of a new soberhouse? What her qualifications are and who oversees these sober houses? It surely seems illogical to place an addict with less than a few years of sobriety and some education into the psychology of addiction in charge of a soberhouse?

    Either way, take care of yourself, husband and Baby J!

  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    focus on the baby. your daughter is going to do as she pleases period. the only thing I would do is feed her if she is hungry.
  9. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Prayers being sent your way for difficult child Melissa. I need them too today. I wish life with our difficult child's wasn't so scary along the way.

    I don't know if your daughter is using again but the very tempermental attitude makes me think that anything is possible. I saw my own oldest difficult child upset yesterday morning before he drove back to his halfway house and then he errupted in a fit of anger apparently last night at an AA meeting down near his halfway house. So we never know what is really going on behind the scenes that causes them to blow up at someone or use again, etc.

    I'm just sorry that the drama continues. I wish it would all move along in a forward positive way without fear for whats coming next.

    I'm glad you have baby J for the next 3 years. Wishing difficult child would appreciate you more. Things could be ALOT worse for her without you in her life. She is blessed more than she knows...all of our difficult child's are. I so wish they knew how much they have to be grateful for.

    hugs and care, prayer that your difficult child is not using again or that she opens her eyes in time.
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, the chances are: It's a duck! It sounds like a relapse to me. I really think that long term addicts need to be in long term treatment for 6-9 months before going back into the world. The addiction doesn't go away. It takes learning tools to keep from using---and it takes a long time to undo years of hiding behind the drugs. I hope that we're wrong. But...keep yourself prepared for that call!
  11. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Sorry Melissa, I think, like you, that she's using again. :grrr:
  12. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    I agree with the others. Classic signs.

    Take heart in knowing that part of recovery is relapse. Maybe - hopefully - she's just stumbled.

  13. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    sometimes even tough love doesn't work just love her through the tough times :smile: it's hard i know but if we don't love them who do they have . it's a learning experince for everyone she has to learn to love her self and know that god has a purpose for her life , but we as parents have to give that love even when we want to choke them . love doesn't judge or hurt .stay strong and trust that god will is being done not ours . i know it's hard i have a 11 year old son that has been diagnosis: with adhd and he has been is and is force to deal with every day since he was 3 years old i get phone calls from school daily and he is always in trouble of some kind either at school or home . :frown: but i have learned to love him through it all when all else fails he can never say i didn't fight for him and love him inspite of his actions which makes me look at myself and helps me to change my faults and try to become the mother, wife, sister, friend ect.. that god would have me to be !don't give up look up and think positive there is some good even in bad situations .

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Hi Family:

    So, just 6 days after signing the new "Consent Order" with the court, she has missed her first new drug test since the last relapse, at the courthouse (court is supervising Urine tests), or should I say they are completely ineffective at monitoring difficult child's Urine tests. This means , no urine test , no consequences of the court. :smile: :hypnosis:
    Anyway, she said she would go Tuesday, no go :nonono:
    Today our conversation went something like this:
    "difficult child have you gone to your drug test?"
    No, mom I forgot about Monday and Tuesday I had no ride.....she didn't mention today, Wednesday. :hammer:
    She says: "I'll go next Monday" WTH?
    My husband says ...That's it, she blew it...she will not see J. I say, he's right but he is going to have to tell her as I can hear the expletives now :ill: :nonono:
    I know in my heart she isn't right and she is probably using.
    To answer a few questions that were asked:
    Her "Sober" friend with whom she last relapsed is the one who got her this job at the sober house. It is supposed to be 1 year sober to run a house and you would be surprised how rare a thing that is....the ones who may be candidates aren't in a sober house and don't require one, so basically they take whom they can find with the most time....a sad commentary.
    I guess I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, if I accuse and am wrong, I will never hear the end...but she did sniff alot on the phone tonight and seemed congested. Do I need a Boulder to fall on me?....NO...How depressing.
    This will never end.
    Prayerful: I have Loved my daughter thru things unimaginable, it's not about Love, my Love for her is unconditional. What I will not do is let her destroy me as she destroys herself.
    DDD: All that matters is ME, husband and J, your so right. I will focus and re-focus on that...meanwhile I expect some rough waters coming with difficult child.

    Melissa :flower:

  15. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    I'm also a strong believer in "gut instinct". If you think or even suspect it, it's probably true.

    My difficult child brother had been sober for 11 years. Two years ago, out of the blue, my mom called and said, "I don't know why I think this, but I think difficult child is drinking again."

    Yep. Her instincts were dead on, and that was after 11 years.

    I agree that there's only so much you can do. Take care of you, your new husband, and precious baby J. The rest is up to difficult child.

    Sending hugs,
  16. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    you are right you should not allow her to bring you down i am now learning to let my son be my only focus i have to do the things needed for him but i also have a husband that needs me and a daughter and it is unfair to them to always put them on the back burner becasue of his outbursts. i am really not good at giving advice the only thing i can say is to believe in god for her and never say things won't get better they will with faith you have to believe it. she has a illness that she can not control but god can change anything . my faith is the only thing keeping me sane and helps me to fight for my son's right . i will keep you in my prayers. start doing things you enjoy and spend time for your self if you don't you will become depressed and that is not good for you or J he needs to see some happiness some kind of joy in his world even through the negative . everyday i try to spend i call happy moments with my kids and private time with myself to think and just relax so i can be able to make it through if you allow it to consume you it will run you crazy.keep the faith don't give up . i look at my son and wonder why he does why he does but , then i remind myself that know one is perfect and that there is tommorrow given to try again harder. :smile: and if you never go through anything then you could never have found this site and these wonderful people you would be living the pl(perfect life )and if my child didn't have these issues i know i would not have the faith that i have in god some times he put things in your life that you can't handle in order for you depend on him and focus on him he is jealous god once you seek him things will be ok . i don't know if you feel the same and i am not preaching to you just try to encourage you and the best way is through god

    you have a good day :smile:
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending hugs to you and husband and precious Baby J. I hope that you are able to stay strong and keep difficult child out of Baby J's life while difficult child is using. Hugs and warrior power and rhino skin all coming your way!