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Staying stuck.......
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<blockquote data-quote="ConcernedSC" data-source="post: 623133" data-attributes="member: 17793"><p>To elaborate- I really feel as if my husband has more than just a parent/child issue. He did the SAME for the ex wife so I can't buy that its just a parent/child issue. He rescued the mother repeatedly, even after the divorce. One example- the mother went out to a bar, got drunk, went home and had sex with some guy all night. At 6am Easter morning, our phone rang. She wanted HIM to get out of bed and go pick her up to bring her back to her parents so that when daughter woke up, she would be home. Daughter had slept over grandparents to be with mom- so that's how mom spent the time with daughter- by going out all night and getting drunk. We lived across the street from the grandparents at the time. To my shock and amazement, my husband got up. I began to disagree with him driving to pick her up- but he argued back that he just wanted what was best for his daughter so he went and picked up the mother and brought her back to the house so that we could all keep up the charade that mommy was a good mommy. I had so many red flags that I ignored. I had no children then. It was so easy to end it and leave, yet I didn't. And I went on to witness the same types of scenarios with the mother and daughter all these years. Mother died about 7 years ago- organ failure from substance abuse. </p><p></p><p>As the years ticked on, I realized that when my husband began dating me I was A LOT younger- I was 21, he was 32. I think he assumed I would also be needy and he could feel good about himself by having to rescue me again and again, but what happened was I never needed it. I wound up disgusted by the drama and chaos that was typical of his ex and daughter, wound up starting a business and paying bills, and didn't need a hero. Which didn't work for my husband because due to his poor self esteem, he looks to feel better about himself by having someone who "NEEDS" him desperately. I need him, but in a MATURE, ADULT way and not in a childish, helpless way. (also, the fact that he chose a woman so much younger makes me think he wanted to feel superior, mentally. Why pick someone so much younger if you didn't want to play "daddy"? When I was young I didn't see it that way- but by the time I hit my 30's- it dawned on me.)</p><p></p><p>He HATES when I say this but believe me I have had a long time to observe and think, and read- I am very convinced of this and all the denial he can do does not convince me otherwise. We had a little old lady next door for many years- she was like a grandma to our son. We both helped her but my husband REALLY loved helping. He would mow her lawn, plant flowers, fix whatever, shovel- (and I helped her, too but my husband was the one she preferred) and I used to laugh and say that if Helen was 40 years younger she would steal him right out from under me. But I could SEE how good he felt about HIMSELF for taking care of a helpless old lady. That is sweet and all but when it becomes part of sickness in other aspects of his life, its not that sweet.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ConcernedSC, post: 623133, member: 17793"] To elaborate- I really feel as if my husband has more than just a parent/child issue. He did the SAME for the ex wife so I can't buy that its just a parent/child issue. He rescued the mother repeatedly, even after the divorce. One example- the mother went out to a bar, got drunk, went home and had sex with some guy all night. At 6am Easter morning, our phone rang. She wanted HIM to get out of bed and go pick her up to bring her back to her parents so that when daughter woke up, she would be home. Daughter had slept over grandparents to be with mom- so that's how mom spent the time with daughter- by going out all night and getting drunk. We lived across the street from the grandparents at the time. To my shock and amazement, my husband got up. I began to disagree with him driving to pick her up- but he argued back that he just wanted what was best for his daughter so he went and picked up the mother and brought her back to the house so that we could all keep up the charade that mommy was a good mommy. I had so many red flags that I ignored. I had no children then. It was so easy to end it and leave, yet I didn't. And I went on to witness the same types of scenarios with the mother and daughter all these years. Mother died about 7 years ago- organ failure from substance abuse. As the years ticked on, I realized that when my husband began dating me I was A LOT younger- I was 21, he was 32. I think he assumed I would also be needy and he could feel good about himself by having to rescue me again and again, but what happened was I never needed it. I wound up disgusted by the drama and chaos that was typical of his ex and daughter, wound up starting a business and paying bills, and didn't need a hero. Which didn't work for my husband because due to his poor self esteem, he looks to feel better about himself by having someone who "NEEDS" him desperately. I need him, but in a MATURE, ADULT way and not in a childish, helpless way. (also, the fact that he chose a woman so much younger makes me think he wanted to feel superior, mentally. Why pick someone so much younger if you didn't want to play "daddy"? When I was young I didn't see it that way- but by the time I hit my 30's- it dawned on me.) He HATES when I say this but believe me I have had a long time to observe and think, and read- I am very convinced of this and all the denial he can do does not convince me otherwise. We had a little old lady next door for many years- she was like a grandma to our son. We both helped her but my husband REALLY loved helping. He would mow her lawn, plant flowers, fix whatever, shovel- (and I helped her, too but my husband was the one she preferred) and I used to laugh and say that if Helen was 40 years younger she would steal him right out from under me. But I could SEE how good he felt about HIMSELF for taking care of a helpless old lady. That is sweet and all but when it becomes part of sickness in other aspects of his life, its not that sweet. [/QUOTE]
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