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Staying stuck.......
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623146" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Concerned, your honesty in posting as you have illuminates for me my husband's position. He has gone ahead and moved us, has pushed the kids out, has told them no, has at least limited the amount we spend on them unless the child is already doing well, in spite of me. It is only recently that I have become healthy enough to see that, far from hurting the kids, he is the one who truly helped, by making them take responsibility for themselves, by believing they could.</p><p></p><p>Helping our children beyond the time they are newly learning how to navigate the world keeps them dependent little kids, inside. Instead of looking and learning who and how they are and where they need to change for themselves, they are stuck (and we are stuck, too) in some weird place where our grown kids are looking to us for approval instead of themselves. They keep making really bad choices because we have protected them from their choices in the past. We keep stepping in for them because they need us to. Somehow, we never see that what we are teaching them through our rescuing is that it is what WE think of a thing that matters, not what the thing is. <u>They learn to see everything through that filter.</u> By helping fix everything for them, we teach them that what matters is not so much what they do, but what we think of what they do.</p><p></p><p>If the story is sad enough, we give them a reward. (Money.) If we stop giving them money, they feel so angry at us because we are changing the rules of the game <u>and they don't know how to play it any other way.</u></p><p></p><p>I am seeing in my own family that I need to stop weakening my own children by "helping."</p><p></p><p>Or by excusing inappropriate behavior of any kind.</p><p></p><p>There are those who say there is a certain amount of glory in it for us, if we keep our children dependent. We never have to let go of that "mother" or "father" identity and get on with our own lives.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking about that.</p><p></p><p>It might be true, but I am still thinking. I do think that sort of glorified martyr-parent thing is what happens. It seems very complex to me, because it is hard to see ourselves, hard to see our motivations. I think that is what happens, but I don't think we chose it to be this way. I don't think we intended it to be this way because there are families with difficult child and normal children. So, it makes sense that there is something special, something different, about difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>Whew.</p><p> </p><p>It would break my heart to think I created our situation on purpose.</p><p></p><p>What I do see is that, over the years, sickness and resentment have taken root where love and pride and acceptance were meant to grow.</p><p></p><p>So I am heading for the love and pride and acceptance part with all my heart.</p><p></p><p>In my own defense, I will say that I had a wild child. I tried to corral her, tried to protect her from herself. She was very young when this all started. Our family dynamic came to center on her. It still does, to a large extent.</p><p></p><p>What would have happened, if I had just let her go?</p><p></p><p>Certainly, nothing worse than what happened to all of us because we tried to help her be like us when she never was one bit like us.</p><p></p><p>It is an interesting thing, to think about things this way.</p><p></p><p>I really do believe my kids are strong and smart enough to live their own lives like everyone else. The part I have trouble with is how much I am supposed to help them. That is where guilt enters the picture, and a more worthless emotion I have yet to find. </p><p></p><p>so, no more guilt. No more shame about what happened, about who the kids are.</p><p></p><p>I have to let go of all that. </p><p></p><p>I have to let go of that mothering role, whatever reward it brought me, for their sakes <u>and for mine.</u></p><p></p><p>Will your husband read here on the site? I would never have been able to see beyond what someone needed from me, had I never been a part of what happens for us, here on the site. I <u>am</u> that person baking cookies and planting flowers and etc. </p><p></p><p>My husband resents it, too.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here with us. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623146, member: 17461"] Concerned, your honesty in posting as you have illuminates for me my husband's position. He has gone ahead and moved us, has pushed the kids out, has told them no, has at least limited the amount we spend on them unless the child is already doing well, in spite of me. It is only recently that I have become healthy enough to see that, far from hurting the kids, he is the one who truly helped, by making them take responsibility for themselves, by believing they could. Helping our children beyond the time they are newly learning how to navigate the world keeps them dependent little kids, inside. Instead of looking and learning who and how they are and where they need to change for themselves, they are stuck (and we are stuck, too) in some weird place where our grown kids are looking to us for approval instead of themselves. They keep making really bad choices because we have protected them from their choices in the past. We keep stepping in for them because they need us to. Somehow, we never see that what we are teaching them through our rescuing is that it is what WE think of a thing that matters, not what the thing is. [U]They learn to see everything through that filter.[/U] By helping fix everything for them, we teach them that what matters is not so much what they do, but what we think of what they do. If the story is sad enough, we give them a reward. (Money.) If we stop giving them money, they feel so angry at us because we are changing the rules of the game [U]and they don't know how to play it any other way.[/U] I am seeing in my own family that I need to stop weakening my own children by "helping." Or by excusing inappropriate behavior of any kind. There are those who say there is a certain amount of glory in it for us, if we keep our children dependent. We never have to let go of that "mother" or "father" identity and get on with our own lives. I am thinking about that. It might be true, but I am still thinking. I do think that sort of glorified martyr-parent thing is what happens. It seems very complex to me, because it is hard to see ourselves, hard to see our motivations. I think that is what happens, but I don't think we chose it to be this way. I don't think we intended it to be this way because there are families with difficult child and normal children. So, it makes sense that there is something special, something different, about difficult child kids. Whew. It would break my heart to think I created our situation on purpose. What I do see is that, over the years, sickness and resentment have taken root where love and pride and acceptance were meant to grow. So I am heading for the love and pride and acceptance part with all my heart. In my own defense, I will say that I had a wild child. I tried to corral her, tried to protect her from herself. She was very young when this all started. Our family dynamic came to center on her. It still does, to a large extent. What would have happened, if I had just let her go? Certainly, nothing worse than what happened to all of us because we tried to help her be like us when she never was one bit like us. It is an interesting thing, to think about things this way. I really do believe my kids are strong and smart enough to live their own lives like everyone else. The part I have trouble with is how much I am supposed to help them. That is where guilt enters the picture, and a more worthless emotion I have yet to find. so, no more guilt. No more shame about what happened, about who the kids are. I have to let go of all that. I have to let go of that mothering role, whatever reward it brought me, for their sakes [U]and for mine.[/U] Will your husband read here on the site? I would never have been able to see beyond what someone needed from me, had I never been a part of what happens for us, here on the site. I [U]am[/U] that person baking cookies and planting flowers and etc. My husband resents it, too. I am glad you are here with us. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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