stealing 24 year old daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hoper, Feb 5, 2014.

  1. hoper

    hoper New Member

    Hi there. I have recently kicked out my 24 year old daughter from my home. She has been stealing from her family since she was 5. She is unemployed and a dope smoker. She hasnt worked longer than a few weeks since she left school at 17. Recently $20,000 worth of our jewellry was stolen, which she denied. I found a bag with over $5000 worth of my jewellry in her bedroom. I went to the police. They couldnt charge her because technically it was still on my property. I have given her so many chances. When she was a teenager we arranged counselling for her 'stealing problem'. Her father kicked her out of his home when she was 17 for bullying and stealing $350. We adopted her when she was 3. I have also withdrawn all future financial support to her. I am an emotional wreck about this.
  2. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Welcome hoper, I'm glad you found your way to this forum. There is SOOOO much wisdom here. My she-spawn is also a liar and thief and even though she hasn't lived with me in over 2 years, she still came in a few weeks ago and helped herself to over $6000 worth of my jewelry. Police involved, but until we can catch her with the goods, there's nothing they can do. She no longer exists to mutual agreement. Sad, tragic, but true.

    You'll hear lots of people refer to their kids gone wrong as "GHG"...that stands for "Gift From God". I can't think of she-spawn yet as that though. :uncomfortableness:
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I too welcome you. It is hard to wrap your head around the reality when it is so different from your base values. Some have zero tolerance and, as you will read, some are still "trying" to cope with the reality that they have 40 year old "kids" who do not respect the moral values that most of us hold dear. I have no answers but I do know the struggle. Hang in there and NOW you are no longer alone. You can share your deepest thoughts and fears and you have the protection of being anonymous AND the comfort of knowing you are no longer alone. Hugs DDD
  4. hoper

    hoper New Member

    Thankyou, thankyou. My 24 yr old difficult child daughter is the eldest child. Her 19 year old brother, also adopted, regularly stole from the family home when he was younger and living at home and smoking pot and unemployed. I kicked him out 9 months ago and he promptly moved to the city, enrolled in college and eventually found himself a casual job. This proved to me that I had done the right thing and there is no love lost between us. Kicking my 24 yr old difficult child daughter out for stealing and cutting of all financial support to her is sending a clear message to my son that I wont tolerate stealing and 'dole bludging' (I'm an Aussie) anymore. Trouble is my daughter is serially codependent. Since leaving home at 18, she has gone from one dependent relationship to the next, moving into the boyfriend's family home and working her charms on him & his parents. Now she's living with her new boyfriend's family, no job, no drivers licence and pot smoking daily. Whenever she has a chance to get ahead, like start a course or new job, she has an anxiety attack and quits. She is now on medication for her anxiety. I believe she would rather be poor and lazy than work for the things in life she wants.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have adopted kids and, unfortunately, the first three years of their lives impact the rest of them, especially if they were chaotic/abusive/unstable. Also, if Birthmom took drugs or drank while pregnant, that can cause certain degrees of brain differences. I'm guessing she had some attachment problems that nobody diagnosed and she was treated for other things and her first three years were not taken that much into account. But that is all in the past anyway.

    Right now you have a young lady who you love very much, but she is choosing to steal from you and take drugs too. I think you made the right decision in making her leave. She has the option, even with her first three years of chaos the probably messed her up, to get help and act in a socially acceptable way. If she does not choose that path, you can not choose it for her.

    I am so sorry you had to join us, but we are a close knit, supportive group of moms who deal with dysfunctional adult children and have to sometimes get very tough. And we also have to learn how to take care of ourselves, even though our adult kids are choosing to self-destruct.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. We are on call 24/7 so post anytime!
  6. hoper

    hoper New Member

    The thing is, it is so easy as a parent to over-compensate for our adopted children's start in life, that we dont actually do them a service. Stealing from those who love you is emotional and financial abuse. There is no excuse yet I have given her so much support and so many chances. All she has done is show her siblings how to get away with it. At least my youngest easy child daughter who is 17, and also adopted, has never stolen a thing. It hurts so much when our children steal from us - as my 84 yr old mother says "You don't :censored2: in your own nest" and "You don't kick a gift horse in the mouth".
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome hoper, I am so sorry you find yourself here. Your story is familiar in these parts and without question you made the difficult but right choice. You cannot condone or in any way allow stealing and disrespect in your own home. There may be reasons your daughter is the way she is because of her early years, but there comes a time for our parenting to come to an end and for our adult children to take responsibility for their own actions and face the consequences.

    You've made a strong statement and set a clear boundary. Stay the course. Often our kids respond dramatically when the gravy train comes to a complete halt. Be prepared if she loses her cushy place at her boyfriends family's home to try to manipulate you back into her drama. Don't buy it. Remain steadfast in your conviction, you are right.

    Now that you've taken this important step, you have to now turn your attention to yourself and the rest of your family. There is a good article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it may be helpful to you. Often those of us here find counseling of some kind a great support through this new maze we are in. Detachment from our kids can be devastating for us parents and often we need lots of support, guidance, tools and understanding to stay the course. Find yourself as much help as you can. Nurture yourself, do kind things for yourself, you've been doing battle with the forces for a long time and you will need to learn to rest and find your joy once again. This road is depleting and exhausting and robs us of our peace of mind and of our happiness. You will need to work at getting that back now. You will likely need a lot of support to do it. Give that to yourself, you deserve it.

    We are all here for you. Keep posting, it really helps. You are not alone, we have all been where you are now.............hang in there hoper..........wishing you peace.......
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I hear such a sense of purpose and decision in your initial post. You have taken a big step forward.

    You may falter now, sometimes that happens, and that is normal. When/if you do, work hard to stay the course.

    Write down what you want to do and say. Refer back to it.

    You can also come here with thoughts, questions, fears, plans. We will give you feedback, and you can always take what you like and leave the rest.

    Also, consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there have been there and done that, just like we have. I go to two to three meetings a week, and I learn so much there. The people are kind and have been through h*** just like we have.

    Prayers and blessings for you today. Hang in there and I am glad you are here.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome hoper, I too am new. I have been going through this for many years now. Just recently had my heart ripped away again by my daughter with three kids. It's really, really tough with grandkids involved.

    I am so sorry for your ordeal and hard work with your child from the age of 5. What a long, long time of heartbreak for you and your family.

    I am standing my ground and refusing re-entry into my home. I am not going to be racked with guilt this time around, and I think viewing her leaving our home from the following perspective helps me.

    I did not kick my daughter out.

    kicked herself out by refusing to respect our home, yet another time.

    I wish that we did not need to be here, but have found for myself that it is healing to be able to share with others that have gone through similar trials. I hope that you are able to recover your jewelry, it is a terrible thing to have our valuables stolen, it is a nasty kick in the gut when the thief happens to be our own adult children.

    My heart goes out to you, hugs and hope for strength with each new day.