Thanks guys........I was just about to post an update and saw this thread
Well, I am not sure if I should be relieved or still on pins and needles. I cannot decide my emotions, although I would say there is some relief.
I talked to the Dr today, who had time to talk to the staff that had worked with M that night he was violent. The Dr said he was really shocked, because he fully expected the staff to say that they did not feel safe with M, and that they felt like they could not help him. (Apparently an episode like this happened last month with another boy, half of Matt's size and the staff decided that he was too unsafe to be in their program. So, the Dr was surprised that although Matt had done more damage, and is 6'3, the staff still felt like Matt was in control to some extent and was not a threat to them.)
Anyway, the Dr is still tentative, but willing to proceed forward with Matt. He will not be out of phosph until he is on the right dose of Lamictal, although I am worried that as they increase it again he will get this violent streak again, and then the Dr will be like - that is it. I would say forget the Lamictal, but it really did seem to help once he was stable on it. A catch 22.
The Dr also mentioned possibly getting a brain imaging SPECT scan done - which he rarely suggests, but thought it may be helpful. Anyone done this?
So, I guess all in all, it is OK. Not bad, sorta good, we will see. The Dr will get his medications right, start giving him passes back to the program, and see how he does. M is certainly doing better at phosph this time than before. I know the poo was scared out of him when he was handcuffed and thrown into the adult psychiatric unit and told he was committed - so that is good that he at least is seeing the reality of his actions in the adult world. Next time, he could be in jail.
I also know that our conversations with each other make him worse. Even though I try as hard as I can to be healthy and appropriate, the conversation always goes one of 2 ways. "Lets dump every problem on mom and see if she can fix it". Or he picks up on me being unhappy and then feels guilty and out of control that he cannot fix me. The later scenario really started playing out when my sister H died. I think she and I were so close, that he feels like if she could die, so could I, and he now feels responsible for always making sure I am OK. This scenario was part of what sent him over the edge on Thanksgiving. He could tell I was not my normal self, and he became frantic in trying to fix it. I told the Dr that from now on, I do not want our conversations to be without a therapist. For now, he does better when not talking to me. And actually I do better as well.
I guess now the real test will be to see how he does as he transitions back into the program. If he messes up again, that will be it. Talk about pressure.
Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. You guys are my rock.