Step Dad passed away, timing couldn't be worse.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Mar 15, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My Mom has been married to her 4th husband for almost 23 yrs. He passed away last night from pancreatic cancer. I'll be honest, he was a hard guy to like. Although he did have his good qualities and while I'm not sure I can honestly say what I felt for him is love, I did grow to care for him over the years. He truely loved my kids as his own grandkids. He is the only "functioning" grandpa my kids ever knew. husband's dad passed when N was just 2 and mine stays pretty much out of the picture. The kids all loved and adored this man.

    Now for the awful part. The soonest Mom can arrange for the funeral is Monday or Tuesday. No way can I go. I have final exams both days. :frown: And easy child has to work Tues.

    It would be different if we lived in the same town or state. I could probably make arrangments with professors and just schedule around the funeral. But I'm in ohio and my Mom is in Illinios. No way I can do it.

    I just contacted easy child, told T, and will have to tell N when she gets home.

    So far Mom is holding it together. Bad thing is this sort of thing can send her right over the edge. I've seen it happen before. My brother spent the day with her today. Hopefully there will be family there with her this weekend. I know my sis from Indy will be going home. Sis from Texas was on her way when she was taken from the airport and admitted to hospital with chest pains. She is determined to go home for the funeral and is pushing her doctor to release her. (this is the only other family member who actually realizes the extent of our mother's mental illness)

    So now I'm worried about sis from Texas too.

    And I'm feeling lower than a heel that I can't get over there for the funeral. D@mn, and double d@mn! I did ask Mom if she could either bump the funeral up to this weekend. Nope, paster of the church can't do it. Then asked if she could hold it off til wednesday. She doesn't think they'll wait that long. Ummm, yeah they will. My grandpa wasn't buried for nearly a week cuz he had 2 seperate funerals in 2 states. But I can't blame her for wanting to get it over with. It's been a hard year for her physically, emotionally, and mentally.

    I did tell Mom we'd do our best to head out for home by wed morning. easy child will have 6 days off and I'll be on spring break. It's the best we can do unless they somehow hold the services off til wed. But I still fell lousy about it. I know my kids want to be there to pay their respects and say their good-byes to their grandpa. :sad:
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry Lisa.

    Just do what you can do for everyone and that will have to be your best. It will work out.

    Hugs.
     
  3. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Lisa - it may actually be BETTER that you are there afterwards. I'm sure your mom will have lots of support up to and including the funeral, it's afterwards that people tend to blend back into the woodwork and the person is left alone.
     
  4. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> lisa, i tend to agree with-skeeter. being there after the fact may actually be more helpful for your mother.

    you, mom & the kids can visit the cemetary while you are there & say private goodbyes. maybe you can plan something special?

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others-it will be good you'll have some time with your mom afterwards. I'm sure she will appreciate it.
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you will be able to head out on Wednesday to be with your Mom for a few days. I hope your sister is OK and that you all arrive safely and can comfort each other.

    Hugs,
    Nancy
     
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry for your family's loss. I hope you can get there Weds. I agree, it could be more helpful to be there after the funeral.
     
  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Many {{{hugs}}}, I'm sorry for your loss. There is no right way to be there for your Mom. You all must just do the best the can.
     
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Everyone has said it all before me. Lisa, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  10. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Lisa, I am also sorry for your loss. I agree with the others about being there afterwards to comfort your mom. The days preceding my dad's death and the day of the funeral, my family was all there. Then poof! They were gone. I stayed overnight that night to be with my mom. husband thought it strange. But I didn't want her to suddenly be left alone. Your mom will appreciate this. As far as your kids, it will be hard that they miss the funeral, but if you show them the cemetary where he is buried and go through photographs of good times together, I think it can help ease the pain.

    Hugs to all of you,
    Sue
     
  11. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Sorry for your loss, Lisa. </span>
     
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Lisa}}} I'm sorry too - sending hugs your way. You do what you can when you can, that's all.
     
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thank you all so much for your kindness.

    You're right, of course. Except for missing the funeral, it will probably be better for Mom for us to be with her the days following the furneral. I hadn't thought of it that way. Especially with sis from Texas having health problems now too.

    easy child was sent home from work. She was visibly upset and her head nurse had overheard the conversation with me on the phone. N is not taking the news well. She was PaPa's Girl her whole life. T, well it's hard to tell how he's doing. I think it actually came as a shock to him. He did know grandpa had cancer, but I don't think it had ever really sunk in, if you know what I mean.

    easy child stopped by on her way home from work last night. We gathered in my kitchen around midnight. Girls were visibly shaken. T comes in out of the blue dressed only in a pair of shorts, his chub hanging out and decides to do a belly dance to cheer them up. Under different circumstances it would've been hillarious. (this is why I'm not sure if he's getting it) I did finally get the girls to stop looking at him like he'd lost his mind and to chuckle at his routine. It's good to remember laughter when your grieving.

    Current plan is to leave early thurs morning. easy child still has to see if she can get someone to cover her "on call" day for her.
     
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