step daughter stealing and won't stop! lost for an answer.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 1+1+1=?, Mar 8, 2011.

  1. 1+1+1=?

    1+1+1=? New Member

    Okay so I'll make this short and to the point, I've moved in with my girlfriend and her 2 children 16 (boy) and 13(girl). I myself am a single father of a 13 yr old boy. my girlfriends daughter has been caught several times going through everyones rooms and on occasion helping herself to peoples stuff, whether it be food, money whatever. She was caught one time going through our bedroom drawers but was mildly punished with a grounding by her mother. recently she has been caught red handed stealing for the second time this week from my son's room, she walks in constantly and takes what ever she sees in his room, money being the last 2 times. I have done a quick once over in her room several times before when the other 2 lose things and 95% of the time it ends up in her room some how. This last time there was a few dollars on my son's floor and she wandered in and just took it..when I confronted her she just stares at me..she gave it back and admitted it but just stares at me when I ask why!? she has her own paper route and even walks the neighbors dog, she makes more $$ than the other 2 combined!! yet she has no problem taking things that aren't hers. Her mother sent her to her room for her last incident and talked to her but that was it, mild grounding...my son wants a lock on his door but she says no..what do I do? It's her house...but this can't go on! I've now had to lock my office all the time cause she comes home for lunch and is home alone during this time. advice? punishment ideas? anything?
     
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Why won't girlfriend agree to a lock on the door?
     
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Welcome... I too would like to know why a lock is not permissible.

    In my case, my stepson does NOT have a lock on his bedroom door, because then Onyxx would lock herself in there. However, any money he earns, or anything valuable, we lock in a safe in our room. Because... This has been going on for years.

    My home has been on lockdown for a long, long time. I have food and drink in my room - down to a refrigerator, too. We have a lock on our bedroom door (and this one is a good one... Last one, not so much). Money is ALWAYS on our person or locked up. We do not leave the bedroom unlocked even if we are "just running upstairs" anymore.

    There may be a good reason for her thievery. I don't pretend to know it... But... Do she and her brother see/spend time with their bio dad? Are there any issues there? Honestly... She may not even know why she is doing it, hence the blank looks. She may resent you. She may resent Mom. There are so many possibilities, and these are minor ones.

    If the circumstances surrounding her bio parents' split were at all tumultuous, that could have a LOT to do with it. For years, my Onyxx would do ANYTHING in the world to make Mommy love her. She destroyed so much property, stole so much... I can't even begin to tell you. Right at 2 years ago, she had a lightning-bolt moment, realized what was really going on with Mommy... And it's not as bad as it was (worse in different ways), but the emotional damage is pretty severe - and we are still working with it. In the meantime, we're on lockdown.

    Other people who may know more are here, too. In the meantime - please, please keep in mind - this is not your child. Her mother needs to be the one to discipline. The problem here is that you really don't have many legal rights in this situation. Frustrating, I know - but you should not be disciplining at this point.

    ...One more question? Do you have custody of your son? May or may not have any bearing at all.
     
  4. 1+1+1=?

    1+1+1=? New Member

    She says it's not right that we have to lock bedroom doors. Also her son has his room in the basment and she's thinking that if my son has a lock then her son will want a door (he has a curtain at the moment). he doesn't have a big problem with her going through his stuff at the moment usually cause he doesn't really have a whole lot to go through, except around christmas/halloween/easter..candy season. I've thought about maybe throwing up an accordian door on his room just to give him his privacy as well.
     
  5. 1+1+1=?

    1+1+1=? New Member

    I appreciate the input, I realize that I am in no position to discipline, which drives me nuts! absolutely insane at times, I yell and hand out the chore list but that's the extent of my control. I have sole custody of my son since the age of 3, I have raised him with a considerable amount more discipline than the other too, he gets really irritated that he has different rules some times but that's not gonna change, he's mine and he will learn to be respectful,honest,ethical, and polite. He understand for the most part, lol he just doesn't like it. The other 2 on the otherhand have had little or no discipline, the son has come along way since we first met, and is sloooowly growing up.
     
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hmmm...

    I don't like the "no locks" policy because it tells your son that he and his belongings aren't important enough to protect. My son has a lock on his door to protect himself and his things from his sister. In addition, anything of real "value" is locked in a safebox to which only husband and myself have a key.

    What's the situation with your relationship? Just wondering why, if you live together, it is not "our" house to make decisions about. (I realize her name is probably the one on the mortgage - but shouldn't you have some say over your son's bedroom?) And if you don't get any say...how do you feel about things continuing on this way ?

    Seems like a lot to think about in regards to the future..
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering why you don't just see girlfriend and live somewhere else? Sounds like it's not a good deal for your son...she is in total control. And, really, it is hard to get kids to listen to you when you're the stepfather, let alone just a boyfriend. If you yell at them...that's not good for any of you. Are you sure this is a situation you want? Is this a life you want for yourself and your son?

    Could be that the daughter is not liking her mom having a boyfriend in the house. That probably isn't the whole issue, but it could be part of it.
     
  8. 1+1+1=?

    1+1+1=? New Member

    Unfortunately if we move out again it's a we're over situation. She wants to move ahead and won't move back, so long story short I stay and figure it out or leave and call it quits. We've been together for 6 yrs and the relationship has definitely had it's ups and downs but most do...
     
  9. Gwen84

    Gwen84 New Member

    We have the same problem with my stepson. When I moved in with my fiance 4 years ago, he was a hardheaded little boy, but he was not doing anything like what he is doing now. Is biggest problem lately has been stealing. I have to check his room on almost a daily basis. Today I found his father's tobacco, two of his father's cigarettes, and his father's pocket knife. He has actually stolen my makeup and my 5 year olds earrings. I don't understand this stealing problem at all. Our situations are similar except that his father backs me up on any decisions that I make as far as discipline. He actually will add to the punishment if he feels it is not harsh enough. We are going to get locks for all of our other children's doors and for ours. Another difference is that, even when the objects are found hidden under his mattress, he denies taking them. But he also will not tell us why. He either stares at us or says he doesn't know why. I do understand your frustration with the stealing. It is horrible when you feel like you have to keep your things locked up or hidden in your own home. As far as being able to give advice or punishment ideas, I can't. We are completely lost on what to do with him. He sees a psychologist once a week and will begin seeing a psychiatrist soon. His pediatrician has put him on medication for ADHD and ODD, we have sent him to a behavioral health center for three weeks, we have tried taking things away, we have even threatened to take him to a juvenile detention center for a weekend, but nothing works. He is currently in alternative school due to his inability to control his anger, but not even that seems to be phasing him.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your girlfriend is so controlling that it's all or nothing...do you really want to go through with this relationship? Have you two considered couple's counseling? Sounds like your getting the short end here and she calls all the shots, which is not a good thing in any relationship.

    How does your son feel about your living situation? Does he like your girlfriend? Her children? I think, even if she will not go to therapy, therapy would be helpful to you and your child. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
     
  11. 1+1+1=?

    1+1+1=? New Member

    To everyone and your advice..Thank you. I was starting to wonder if I was making a big deal out of nothing. nobody ever said it was easy raising kids but nobody ever said it could be insane either ( okay they probably did, I just wasn't listening). We decided to have a family "meeting" last night to get all the issues out on the table..everyone got to voice any issues they had with anyone and we tried to sort and solve as many as we could. the situation with my step daughter isn't really resolved but we're making an attempt. We sat down and explained how wrong it is and asked her to come up with what she thinks will be the consequences of her actions the next time she does it ( which should be never) we came to the conclusion that if she does it again to anyone in the house she will have her books,tv,music and computer revoked ( she has that done now) the next time however, we will take a family vote to decide what she will lose indefinitely. If the vote is her music her radio and mp3 player will be taken away and sold off or given away. It's harsh I'm sure but all she has to do is "NOT" go in anyone rooms, steal anything or touch anything that doesn't belong to her. "fingers crossed" . I guess as for the relationship issues I'm going to have to take those day by day for now..I'm not too sure about the stability of it anymore considering she has said to the children last night " if this doesn't work then maybe it's best if we moved out" now after she said it was for the children's sake to give them a little extra reason to try but considering I was actually browsing last week for engagment rings makes we worry if she's this quick to cut us lose over this situation..how long can marriage last!? I appreciate everyone's advice though..it's a crazy world and these kids just seem to get crazier. All the best to everyone and remember..."don't take life to seriously, you might not make it out alive" :)
     
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