We decided to go on a family vacation this summer. My husband is not crazy about the idea of my kid going with us because my kid and his does not get along. But he told me that the onl reason is because my kid doesnt want to go and has a job to go to. Even though I gave his kid money 1 month ago for a shirt!!! He refuses to help my child with any money issues towards car, ect. He will not speak to my kid but asks me why I don't speak to his. I have had it!!!
step daughter!!!
- Thread starter ann1930
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AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Ann... I would suggest sitting down and talking, because this kind of behavior on husband's part is not helping anything.
...Is it possible your resentment is coming through? This is something I am still working on. My resentment makes husband resent my behavior and things just escalate from there. And it's clear you resent everything that's happening (not that I blame you!!!)...
If your child doesn't want to go... How old? Trustworthy to stay at home alone?
Where are you going?
...Is it possible your resentment is coming through? This is something I am still working on. My resentment makes husband resent my behavior and things just escalate from there. And it's clear you resent everything that's happening (not that I blame you!!!)...
If your child doesn't want to go... How old? Trustworthy to stay at home alone?
Where are you going?
aeroeng
Mom of Three
The only thing for sure is that you can not continue to live like this. Your husband and you need to find a counselor and work out the issues of lack of support, your frustrations, his frustrations and what strategies can you use to manage the kids better. You must become a team, and you can not accept the lack of respect. First try to get some help. But, if husband is not willing to work on it, you might have to talk with a lawyer.
Step to 2...we are going to florida. We haven't had a vacation in along time. My child is old enough to stay at home. 19. It's just the fact of that I gave his child money. My husband says that my child needs to understand that bills come first and that my kid has a job and shouldn't be taking off. Even though we are going to be gone for only 2 days. I agree too but again...I feel the only reason he is not wanting my child to come is because my kid does not get along with his kid. His kid was upset and yelling because mine was going to go. Sick of all this. I yelled at my husband and told him that if he can't help my kid so he can go with us. Then I will never give money to his. He said that is was too expensive my kid to go. He refuses to speak to my kid
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Okay, piece by piece... Yes, everyone needs to understand bills but... Sounds to me like husband and his kid need a family vacation, and you and yours need a family vacation.
If everyone is not getting along to that point, it's not a vacation. More like enforced time together. Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.
One thing that helped me when husband and I were having major problems, and my stepdaughter was a big part of that, was taking a step back and spending time with friends. LOTS of time. I also began taking antidepressants again, because my mood swings were more than I could handle. Stress-related anxiety and depression, with panic attacks included.
But stepping away, and looking at it from a slightly wider point of view, helped me. So then I could come back and calmly tell husband... This is what I can live with... This is what is a deal breaker... And Onyxx has got to get help. Well, things have gotten better. He says he's changed his MO because my mood swings aren't as bad. I'm not nearly as miserable as I was because he has changed his MO. So mood swings lessened... It's circular.
NOW, that said. XH and I didn't have any kids, but he was the difficult child. Maybe I was too, who knows. I backed off and saw that I had to get out to preserve my sanity.
Just my $0.02 - I do not know if it will help - but one more thing.
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
If everyone is not getting along to that point, it's not a vacation. More like enforced time together. Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.
One thing that helped me when husband and I were having major problems, and my stepdaughter was a big part of that, was taking a step back and spending time with friends. LOTS of time. I also began taking antidepressants again, because my mood swings were more than I could handle. Stress-related anxiety and depression, with panic attacks included.
But stepping away, and looking at it from a slightly wider point of view, helped me. So then I could come back and calmly tell husband... This is what I can live with... This is what is a deal breaker... And Onyxx has got to get help. Well, things have gotten better. He says he's changed his MO because my mood swings aren't as bad. I'm not nearly as miserable as I was because he has changed his MO. So mood swings lessened... It's circular.
NOW, that said. XH and I didn't have any kids, but he was the difficult child. Maybe I was too, who knows. I backed off and saw that I had to get out to preserve my sanity.
Just my $0.02 - I do not know if it will help - but one more thing.
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Honestly, this girl sounds like she is much younger than 15.
My oldest granddaughter threw a major fit when my middle granddaughter was born. She was 13 months old. It was like she actually realized at that exact moment that she was no longer the only grand baby. When our youngest grandson came along, she told everyone HE needed to find his own grandparents because WE were hers and Hailies! She had finally got to the point she was willing to share us with Hailie...lol. Of course, she is 3.
My oldest granddaughter threw a major fit when my middle granddaughter was born. She was 13 months old. It was like she actually realized at that exact moment that she was no longer the only grand baby. When our youngest grandson came along, she told everyone HE needed to find his own grandparents because WE were hers and Hailies! She had finally got to the point she was willing to share us with Hailie...lol. Of course, she is 3.
Thanks for the advice. I just don't feel the need to speak to his daughter...I know it sounds childish but he does not speak to mine. When she is over...he insists on me going up and speaking to her. Even though he doesn't speak to mine. I feel bad for mine..it's a bad situation. Husband even gets in a bad mood when his kid is over
Marguerite
Active Member
For me, a dealbreaker would be him wanting me to do things one way but him refusing to reciprocate equally. such insistence would tell me that he does not understand the 'relativity' of the situation. You gave money to his daughter - make it clear (nicely) that you are apologising for doing this, she is HIs responsibility and any money given to her has to come from him. Similarly, any money to your son must come from you (unless your incomes/expenditures are not equal). Similarly - you will make an effort to greet his daughter politely on arrival (even if she responds rudely) and he must greet your son politely on arrival. Whatever is required of you towards his daughter, must be required of your husband towards your son. Any variation from this - dealbreaker.
Her manner of response and behaviour, coupled with his 'protection' of her and apparent appeasement - it is codependent, it is doing absolutely nothing to teach her ow to treat you politely. He is letting her get away with this bad behaviour and what is more, he is modelling the same behaviour towards you, for her to learn from his example.
I would be giving up on 'family holiday' and going away separately. Let him spend intense one on one time with his daughter without you (or anyone else) to buffer him or for him to blame, and see what his attitude is.
Marg
Her manner of response and behaviour, coupled with his 'protection' of her and apparent appeasement - it is codependent, it is doing absolutely nothing to teach her ow to treat you politely. He is letting her get away with this bad behaviour and what is more, he is modelling the same behaviour towards you, for her to learn from his example.
I would be giving up on 'family holiday' and going away separately. Let him spend intense one on one time with his daughter without you (or anyone else) to buffer him or for him to blame, and see what his attitude is.
Marg
It is crazy and insane. He gets very defensive if my kid is not speaking to his daughter. I have told my kid for years if you can't say anything nice..don't say anything. My kids chooses not to. She jumps the gun and starts yelling at my kid about it and my husband does nothing. I have taught my kid respect through their life. My husband sits there and smiles when they fight. He tries to get in the middle of it and has taken me on drives and has told me that he is not going to deal with my kid's attutiude. Even though she never speaks to anyone and always rolls her eyes. There is a possilbty that I am going to be off my job for awhile due to an illness I have. I sat her and my kid down to explain to them what is going on and she laughed. I told my husband he has 30 days to fix this or I am done. He tells me not to worry. I can't even enjoy my weekends because of this. I understand my kid is not perfect...but when my kid talks to me about grades, ect. Husband says...my kid has better grades!!! Makes me insane!
Marguerite
Active Member
Ann, you need a break. Now, not in 30 days. Your health problems can be made worse by this kind of stress. There are those who believe stress is the main cause of ill-health. I'm not saying yes or no, merely saying, "Take a break."
Take yourself off, and your children, for one weekend. Go stay with friends or family. YOU need to be looked after. Don't give him too much warning, and don't make it a sinister, "I am planning to leave," kind of thing. Keep it happy and low-key, but tell him it is so you can have a break from the stress of it all. It's a "no fault" break. There is stress, regardless of who he might want to blame.
This situation has to be taken outside blame. Right now, you are blaming his daughter; he is blaming your son. If you think about interactions in life, we get better results when we avoid blame. It's a natural thing to want to point the finger, especially when it feels to us that the culprit is obvious; but what does it achieve? In this situation, with you and your husband, he is clearly trying to defend his daughter. Somewhere inside him, he is frantic to get her help. He knows this is not normal, he knows she shouldn't be like this, but he doesn't see it as her bad behaviour so much as a kid who has problems and needs compassion and love.
From your point of view, you see the girl's insolent behaviour towards you and your son, and you can clearly see that she is the problem. But tis view, and your blaming, is setting your husband further towards "I must defend my daughter" mode. So he attacks your son - "how do you like that?" kind of thing, so you can know how he feels. Your husband points the finger right back at you, and at your son. It doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, it is more important to see that long-term habits of blaming have st up this very unhealthy to and fro pattern.
I can't tell you if your marriage is a sham, or if it has been set up on the wrong principles. I can't tell you if it is worth saving or not. But I can clearly see that without change, it will fail.
The fastest way to bring about change, is to do it yourself. Regardless of how you feel about this girl, you need to really work hard to not blame. YOU make the first change. Then see how long it takes for his behaviour to change.
Meanwhile, do not make your son change his behaviour. It sounds to me like your son is not doing anything wrong. There may be more 'right' things he could do, but I would need to be a fly on the wall to be sure of this. Instead, erring on the "first, do no harm" which you have taught him, is his best line of action.
But the first thing you need, is respite. At the same time, your husband needs to be sole carer for a weekend. Chances are, without you and your son there, your husband and his daughter will get on great. A suggestion for you perhaps - plan some outings for them to go on, set up a program you think your husband will really look forward to. Make sure they both get out in public. I'm being a bit naughty here - I'm suggesting you set up some situations where she will misbehave in public, because he is enjoying it and she is not.
So, in a nutshell, my plan of action for you, this weekend if you can swing it in time - tell your family that your health problems mean you need to go stay with friend/parent/motel in the mountains. You're taking your kids with you (or farming them out) so husband won't have to look after them. But he and his daughter need to fend for themselves so you have thoughtfully made arrangements for them, so they won't be at too much of a loose end.
So, the plan for husband and his daughter - go out ten pin bowling. Maybe do the shopping (follow a list, always, when you shop). Dinner with neighbour/family/friend so they don't have to worry about cooking (so thoughtful). Next day - go see a movie perhaps, or go play mini-golf. Think of a hobby of your husband's that surely his daughter would LOVE to share (I'm being really naughty now...).
You need your husband to accept this in fairly good grace and not see your need for a break as a criticism of him or his daughter. This is solely so you can recuperate. Every couple needs this from time to time. If you can arrange it, stay with a girlfriend for a hen's weekend. Waffle-weave robes, bottles of nail polish, home perms and herbal facials. You know the routine. A male-free environment. Get your son to stay with a mate.
The aim is - you need a break (vital). Your husband needs a reality check (less likely; less important).
Then you come back recharged and better able to stand firm and avoid blaming. If he accuses you of blaming and you haven't, quietly point out that you haven't blamed and in fact you are making an effort to not blame. Some situations are bad and nobody is to blame. Sometimes bad things just happen. It is healthier to focus on solutions rather than blame. When we blame, we are trying to get the person responsible to accept the blame, so we can then make them responsible for fixing it. But when blame is not being accepted, this method fails and the more you try to force them to see reality, the more you hear the Twilight Zone theme and the worse it all gets.
So tell your husband that from here on, you want to work on solutions and forget about blame.
Good luck!
Marg
Take yourself off, and your children, for one weekend. Go stay with friends or family. YOU need to be looked after. Don't give him too much warning, and don't make it a sinister, "I am planning to leave," kind of thing. Keep it happy and low-key, but tell him it is so you can have a break from the stress of it all. It's a "no fault" break. There is stress, regardless of who he might want to blame.
This situation has to be taken outside blame. Right now, you are blaming his daughter; he is blaming your son. If you think about interactions in life, we get better results when we avoid blame. It's a natural thing to want to point the finger, especially when it feels to us that the culprit is obvious; but what does it achieve? In this situation, with you and your husband, he is clearly trying to defend his daughter. Somewhere inside him, he is frantic to get her help. He knows this is not normal, he knows she shouldn't be like this, but he doesn't see it as her bad behaviour so much as a kid who has problems and needs compassion and love.
From your point of view, you see the girl's insolent behaviour towards you and your son, and you can clearly see that she is the problem. But tis view, and your blaming, is setting your husband further towards "I must defend my daughter" mode. So he attacks your son - "how do you like that?" kind of thing, so you can know how he feels. Your husband points the finger right back at you, and at your son. It doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, it is more important to see that long-term habits of blaming have st up this very unhealthy to and fro pattern.
I can't tell you if your marriage is a sham, or if it has been set up on the wrong principles. I can't tell you if it is worth saving or not. But I can clearly see that without change, it will fail.
The fastest way to bring about change, is to do it yourself. Regardless of how you feel about this girl, you need to really work hard to not blame. YOU make the first change. Then see how long it takes for his behaviour to change.
Meanwhile, do not make your son change his behaviour. It sounds to me like your son is not doing anything wrong. There may be more 'right' things he could do, but I would need to be a fly on the wall to be sure of this. Instead, erring on the "first, do no harm" which you have taught him, is his best line of action.
But the first thing you need, is respite. At the same time, your husband needs to be sole carer for a weekend. Chances are, without you and your son there, your husband and his daughter will get on great. A suggestion for you perhaps - plan some outings for them to go on, set up a program you think your husband will really look forward to. Make sure they both get out in public. I'm being a bit naughty here - I'm suggesting you set up some situations where she will misbehave in public, because he is enjoying it and she is not.
So, in a nutshell, my plan of action for you, this weekend if you can swing it in time - tell your family that your health problems mean you need to go stay with friend/parent/motel in the mountains. You're taking your kids with you (or farming them out) so husband won't have to look after them. But he and his daughter need to fend for themselves so you have thoughtfully made arrangements for them, so they won't be at too much of a loose end.
So, the plan for husband and his daughter - go out ten pin bowling. Maybe do the shopping (follow a list, always, when you shop). Dinner with neighbour/family/friend so they don't have to worry about cooking (so thoughtful). Next day - go see a movie perhaps, or go play mini-golf. Think of a hobby of your husband's that surely his daughter would LOVE to share (I'm being really naughty now...).
You need your husband to accept this in fairly good grace and not see your need for a break as a criticism of him or his daughter. This is solely so you can recuperate. Every couple needs this from time to time. If you can arrange it, stay with a girlfriend for a hen's weekend. Waffle-weave robes, bottles of nail polish, home perms and herbal facials. You know the routine. A male-free environment. Get your son to stay with a mate.
The aim is - you need a break (vital). Your husband needs a reality check (less likely; less important).
Then you come back recharged and better able to stand firm and avoid blaming. If he accuses you of blaming and you haven't, quietly point out that you haven't blamed and in fact you are making an effort to not blame. Some situations are bad and nobody is to blame. Sometimes bad things just happen. It is healthier to focus on solutions rather than blame. When we blame, we are trying to get the person responsible to accept the blame, so we can then make them responsible for fixing it. But when blame is not being accepted, this method fails and the more you try to force them to see reality, the more you hear the Twilight Zone theme and the worse it all gets.
So tell your husband that from here on, you want to work on solutions and forget about blame.
Good luck!
Marg
Marg..I will take your advice and do that. I feel like mentally tired. He got home with his daughter last night and i was putting things away...i dropped a plate by accident and it had broken. He screamed and me for it and then made a comment..where is your kid? I am surprised he didn't break it. I then walked in the next room. My husband followed and i told me i had it. He had no right saying that and he and his kid can go on vacation without me!!!
I do realize that I am not perfect and I have made my mistakes. But he insults me and yells at me like I am a child in front of his kid. I finally had enough last night and started yelling at me in front of his daughter. He is gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to me and gets in a foul mood when she is around. Then when he takes her to her friends..he will want a hug and then talk to me. His daughter tells her mother that we fight and are not happy. I told him that his ex shouldn't know that and the more he is hateful..the more she is telling her mom. I don't understand why he insults me and my child in front of her. Like he wants his ex to think that.
Marguerite
Active Member
I don't understand it either. But he's not telling her to run and tell tales to her mother. She will be doing it anyway. ALL kids in her position would do this.
Whether this girl has an underlying disorder or not, her father's behaviour around her is very bad for her and is not doing her any favours. OK, we already know it's not doing you any favours either.
I'd love the chance to sit with him quietly (when his daughter is not around, when he gets to the "I want a hug" stage) and say to him, "No hug, until we talk about your behaviour to me at ANY time, and especially in front of your daughter. Don't you realise what you are doing to her? Even if you don't care about me, and your behaviour seems to show this whether or not it is true, you are doing your daughter a great deal of harm by letting her witness this. How can SHE learn to be polite to me, when you show her how to be rude?"
He screams at you. The natural tendency is to scream back in both frustration and self-defence, but when you do, it lowers you to his level and it then becomes a childish spat. Nothing then gets achieved.
There is nothing wrong with fighting in a marriage, as long as it is a fair fight, and the end result is a good resolution of the issues. That is not happening here.
His behaviour is classic childish difficult child at the moment. I find it fascinating that he changes back to Mr Nice Guy when his daughter is not around - why does he feel the need to "perform" for her? Or is this his way of saying to you, "See? YOU are the problem!"?
He can't be that bad - you chose him, there must have been something about him that attracted you, that you thought was worth committing to. So where do you think this behaviour of his (including the snipe abut your son, also in front of his daughter) is coming from? Is he trying to 'prove' something to her? Is is possible that his daughter is always whining to him that "you take her side" and he's trying to prove her wrong when she's around? In which case - again, he is trying to appease her without even really thinking about what he is doing. Or is it because he is himself wound up like a spring, and the sound of the plate dropping caused this impulsive reaction? I know some people will react that way to a sudden loud sound, especially if it's related to something getting damaged. In someone immature, or who had a rough time when younger, they react loudly and defensively (some people attack to defend) in order to deflect blame from themselves.
I'm surprised he stayed in the room with you after making that comment - I would have thought it would have been delivered as a parting shot and then he would have left the room, so you couldn't reply. But you left, he didn't. He followed. So he is feeling very uptight, very angry, and wanting to blame you for this bad feeling. In other words - he is reacting without thinking, and your responses to date haven't helped him think anything through. he is on automatic pilot and very reactive. So is she. And I think, at the moment at least, so are you. And this keeps the cycle going round and round.
You both need to talk (seriously talk) and I suspect you need to do this (now) in front of an independent mediator. You need to really learn how to argue productively and to also work as a team. If this is not possible, get out now. But if you have a try and realise, in a few months time, that even with all this effort you can't make it work, then at least YOU will heave learned how to argue productively (which also means politely standing up for yourself and making him come back and really resolve those things he said - now, buddy!) then you will be a stronger person and with a greater chance of success in future relationships (including relationships with your kids).
Your son - he is old enough to want to desperately defend his mother, but he is holding back. I think if he stepped in to try to correct your husband, it would be a bad thing indeed. And I think your son (to his credit) knows this and this is also why he is staying so silent on so many levels. Your husband doesn't know how lucky he is... but this is not good for your son, for him to see this going on.
Kids need to see healthy arguing. They need to be shielded from unhealthy arguing. And what you describe - it's unhealthy. For absolutely everybody, even the dog (if you have one).
Enjoy your break. I think you will need to do this again, soon.
Marg
I am officially done with the step daughter and her mother!! Her mother came over last night and was in the driveway screaming at my husband. I went outside and told her to shut up and leave. My step daughter smiled. I invited my step daughter to go shopping with me (before I yelled at her mom) and she declined. I'm tired of always having knots..don't know anymore
Marguerite
Active Member
Of course stepdaughter would decline - her mother was on the scene and to stepdaughter, you were asking her to choose (in front of her mother?) and she couldn't show disloyalty to her mother.
Go shopping on your own and feel good, knowing you held out the olive branch and also knowing that it was SD's choice to reject it, so you don't have to feel guilty for enjoying some peace and quiet.
One thing concerns me - you went out to support your husband, to tell his ex-wife to leave. It really was HIS problem, it became yours because it was happening on your property, but neither of them would have seen it that way. YOU supported HIM, in a conflict with his former life. But for him, when his former life intrudes on your life with him, he snaps back to supporting his former life AGAINST you.
You need to stop doing this, you're making yourself into a doormat and I don't think he either 'got it' or appreciated your support.
Not tat you did a wrong thing; just that in the whole context of how he is behaving, I think you should have let that fight play out. Let the neighbours call the cops. Let him explain to the cops. And best of all, let him feel the full brunt of exactly why he divorced her...
Marg
Go shopping on your own and feel good, knowing you held out the olive branch and also knowing that it was SD's choice to reject it, so you don't have to feel guilty for enjoying some peace and quiet.
One thing concerns me - you went out to support your husband, to tell his ex-wife to leave. It really was HIS problem, it became yours because it was happening on your property, but neither of them would have seen it that way. YOU supported HIM, in a conflict with his former life. But for him, when his former life intrudes on your life with him, he snaps back to supporting his former life AGAINST you.
You need to stop doing this, you're making yourself into a doormat and I don't think he either 'got it' or appreciated your support.
Not tat you did a wrong thing; just that in the whole context of how he is behaving, I think you should have let that fight play out. Let the neighbours call the cops. Let him explain to the cops. And best of all, let him feel the full brunt of exactly why he divorced her...
Marg
Thank you Marg for the advice. We did receive a phone call from his ex last night that his daughter was "caught in the act" and was receiving very bad text messages on her phone. He said nothing. My kid called his dad last night and was on there too long and my husband said I needed to take his phone away. But it's ok for his daughter to do what she did and he won't take hers? UNREAL!!
Marguerite
Active Member
Did you call him on this? What did he say about his double standard?
Marg
Marg
He didnt say anything. Told me I was acting like a child. Him and his ex will not confront this issue. He claims it is not his daughter's fault. and his ex is just embarrased. I told him to take his ex back because it seems they have the same brain wave
!!!!!! I would take her phone away if it was me or block her pictures from being sent because she is also sending bad pictures of herself too! and him and him pay for her phone!
!!!!!! I would take her phone away if it was me or block her pictures from being sent because she is also sending bad pictures of herself too! and him and him pay for her phone!
