Step-difficult child, down to either he goes or I do

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dlgallant, Jun 11, 2007.

  1. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    Just when my difficult child's drama is settling down a bit, now my step-difficult child's are in the house for the summer. My husband promised me over and over again that oldest would not come for the month. I kept asking what his plan was he just kept saying "don't worry, I'll handle it." As usual, his handling it is ignoring it and making me live with it. Step-difficult child and his mother have made our lives hell for a decade. They call police, social services, abuse hotlines, go to court, you name it. I've been accused of everything but murder, and even that my step-difficult child's claim they "have a feeling" that someday my husband and I will. husband's ex was diagnosed histrionic pd and thrives on causing chaos.

    We received emails and calls that step-difficult child 1 was trying to recruit friends to come to our house this month to set me up for something. Step-difficult child's counselor wrote a letter to the judge trying to stop visitation, but she wouldn't reveal what step-difficult child was planning because she wanted to retain his trust. I understand that, but what about my safety? He was planning a crime! The boys mom is court ordered not to contact them at our house to minimize the mischief, but husband allows his son to bring a cell phone. Step-difficult child had several secret conversations with his mom, and many text messages before husband took the phone away. I was holding the phone when a text message came him from the mom calling my step-difficult child "stupid, stupid" for not following her orders. She told him she was working on another plan and if he didn't follow it he would lose them "everything."

    The pattern is dad allow boys to get away with murder, mom treats them like royalty unless they refuse to cooperate in her crusade against husband and myself. She is merciless and relentless. Step-difficult child has been the nicest he's ever been to me this month, and I heard him at least try to tell his mom on the phone to stop calling him and leave him alone. I know there's a good kid buried deep in there (his only diagnosis has been extremely emotionally disturbed) and I hate to push him away because he is the unfortunate product of his parents bad parenting. But I know what he's capable of, sometimes only to get his mom off his back, but he complies none the less. He can't be trusted and each time he pulls a stunt he gets a little better at it. I won't risk it. He has a history of threatening violence and once tried to hang his little brother so he can be very physically dangerous as well.

    Fortunately next week mother-in-law is taking boys for 10 days, and in the meantime a neighbor asked me to house sit. But I need a long term solution and it's become clear to me that my only solution is to leave husband. He wants custody of his sons, and is willing to take the risk. In my heart I know the boys would be better off with him, even though he has very weak parenting skills. I just can't live like this. The courts have been no help. The judge thinks no one has believed the kids accusations yet so why am I so upset about all the investigations? If she had police searching her home and repeat visits by social services I think she'd have a different view point. The judge has told the mom repeatedly to stop stirring things up, but for some reason she refuses to do anything about it. All of this turmoil contributed to my difficult child's problems and enough is enough.
     
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. I do not even know what to say to that except - be careful. Sounds like you have reason for fear to impact your life.
     
  3. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Wow. I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine dealing with difficult child issues AND a coniving ex-wife trying to be my undoing at every turn.

    I'm so sorry. I just wanted to lend some support and send you some :::hugs:::
     
  4. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #006600"> i thought when a therapist is aware that someone is in danger from one of their clients they are required by law to notify the authorities & confidentiality/trust be dam*ed. what is wrong with-the therapist for not divulging the precise danger & the judge for not insisting that she does?

    i don't blame you for being frightened. who wouldn't be! are you seeking a permanent separation or just while the boys are there? can grandparents keep 17yo for the entire time or is he a threat to them as well?

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  5. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    The counselor said step-difficult child has made no direct physical threats therefore, she's not obligated to report. My mother-in-law isn't concerned because she's never been on the receiving end of any threats. But I think step-difficult child is a potential danger to anyone he thinks won't fight back. He is definitely a bully. I've decided that as long as visitation continues I cannot be in the house. He turns 18 in Nov this year but has announced he's going to continue visitation until he goes off to college to "keep an eye on things" with his younger brother. husband will never ever turn his sons away, so I'm sure visitation will continue. step-difficult child has delusions of attending prestigious colleges. He views himself as "the highest powered intellect at his school." He thinks these schools will look past his straight C's and mediocre test scores and will just see his brilliance! His delusions aren't really his fault, he's had 2 parents telling him how brilliant he is from birth. husband only noticed this last year that maybe his son wasn't as superior as he always believed. I'm not convinced he'll even go to college. Despite my husband's parenting issues, away from his kids he's a wonderful man and I love him. But I just can't live like this.
     
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    I can't say that I blame you at all--sounds like you are in an impossible situation! I am so sorry--
    Jane
     
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    What a difficult situation.....

    Above all "safety first."

    At the least, husband would have to rent a hote/motel for the term of difficult child's visit....
     
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I agree that you should get out. If your husband is such a wimp and you fear for your and your chld's safety you do not have a choice. Nice guy or not your husband isn't protecting you and isn't parenting them. The courts are not helping you and you continue to be harrassed and bullied. -RM
     
  9. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    Up until this summer husband took the boys to a motel for their weekend visits. We can't afford it for the entire summer visit. If he gets custody the plan was for him to take a small apartment and try to see if the issues could be resolved with counseling. I'm skeptical and realize that would probably mean the end of our marriage. husband suffers from Ostrich Syndrome, put your head in the sand and pretend your problems aren't there.

    A part of me is looking forward to spending the rest of the week at the neighbor's house, but that means, step-difficult child's will be here all alone during the day at my house. I'd like to have a house standing to return to!
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You've got your plate full. I am so sorry. I wish the judge would actually issue an order for ex-mom instead of just chastising her verbally.
    Sounds like you've got a backup plan and you'll have to use it. Does your husband have any idea of how serious you are when you say you have no choice but to leave? (Assuming you've discussed it calmly.)
    Good luck.
     
  11. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    Sorry to make light of this very serious situation but I had to laugh at your husband's diagnosis! OS(Ostrich Syndrome)
     
  12. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    Don't apologize for making fun. Laughter is how I survive.

    Last night I stayed at the neighbor's house that I'm watching. It was sooo peaceful. I think husband now takes me seriously. I didn't storm out, just went. One of my husband's annoying personality traits is if you talk to him calmly he doesn't take you seriously. In his family, if you're not yelling, it's not that important to you. Drives me up the wall. I've tried telling him with me, if I'm at the point of yelling I'm at the end of my rope and ready to walk.
     
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    :rofl:

    That is hysterical. I never heard that one before.
     
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