Stepdaughter draining us!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Becca Lawson, Jul 8, 2014.

  1. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    I desperately need help. My stepdaughter text me at 2 am that she did a line and a half of cocaine. She told her father the next day she meant to send it to someone else. That she really didn't do it. Was just peer pressure. Then she had a fainting spell with convulsions. Doctor came in and told her they found Ecstasy in her system. She told us that Wellbutrin shows up as Ecstasy. He believed her and fired the doctor. Has anyone heard of Wellbutrin showing up as ecstasy??? She's 20 years old and he keeps giving her money. I feel we are buying her drugs. Any advice???
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why does your husband send this drug user money? Is he going to continue? Of course he is buying her drugs. I hope she lives somewhere else.

    Can you put your foot down? She is not a child anymore. She needs to grow up. And your husband is guillible. She took ecstascy. Wellbutrin doesn't show up as Ecstasy.
  3. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    She lives in the same town. She wrote me a three page "hate" letter after I asked her why she didn't go back to work after doctor released her. She was an only child for 18 years and my husband acts afraid that if he ever tells her no that she won't love him anymore. She curses me and is very disrespectful. I'm at the point I'm ready to leave my marriage but do not trust my husband to have our 2 year old around her ever. I don't know how to help him out of denial!!!
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the CD board. I am sorry that you are going through this but I am glad that you found us.

    Yes, your stepdaughter is doing drugs. She is lying to you and your husband because that is what substance abusers do.

    I think that your husband knows the truth but is still in denial. Unfortunately, I don't think that there is much you can do until he is willing to face the truth.

    Things will get much worse as the addiction progresses and eventually your husband will have to face the truth. Be ready to help him when he does. Find support groups for you and your husband and be ready with names of rehabs and treatment centers for your stepdaughter.

    Could you tell us more about the situation? Does she live with you? Is she in school or working?

  5. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Our posts crossed in cyberspace. You are in a very tough spot as a stepmother. I would be very careful having your stepdaughter around your 2-year-old.

    I am sure others will come along who have experience with stepchildren and will be able to offer better advice.

    Keep posting. You will find amazing support here from others who have been through what you are going through.

    by the way, it that is your real name, please change your user name for privacy reasons.

  7. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    She is in college. She told my son that she flunked her fall semester. We don't have her grades for this past semester. She just asked us for $2,000 to go to school and my husband said yes without asking to see the grades. She also is, like I said, 20 and dating a 36 year old with a record that includes larceny, 2 drug charges, and a suspended license. We already have medical bills like crazy and dental bills because the "Wellbutrin" incident knocked her teeth out and she was hospitalized for 2 days.
  8. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

  9. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    Not my real name!
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Becca, and welcome. I'm sorry. And it's really tough when you are also trying to deal with your husband and his denial.

    Your best defense right now is to get you and your husband as informed as is possible about addiction. If he won't do it, you go ahead and start.

    I would recommend going to Al-Anon meetings, reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Beverly Conyers' Addict in the Family, When the Servant Becomes the Master...any and all Al-Anon literature, and this site.

    Sadly, it takes time to accept what is right in front of you, especially if you are the parent. You are going to 'get there' way before he does.

    If you love your husband and want to stay with him, please be patient with him as you offer information and education about addiction.

    Addiction is a progressive disease, and it will get worse. I would expect that sooner, rather than later, he will have to face facts. She'll either land back in the hospital or in jail. It's hard to argue with doctors, lab tests, police officers and arrest records.

    Please realize that drug addicts lie. It's part of the disease. Also, the disease is a primary diagnosis which means it has to be treated before anything else can be treated, or at the same time by experts in co-occurring disorders.

    Right now, she is in the grip of a terrible awful disease. It is characterized by immaturity, faulty thinking, denial, grandiosity, lying, stealing and many other negative behaviors.

    Underneath it all is a real person still. But you likely won't see her for a while, and maybe you haven't seen the real her for a long time.

    P.S. Do what you can to stop the flow of money. One thing we did: have her take out a student loan in her name for the next semester. If she passes, you pay the loan. If not, she does.

    Also, her maturation and development stopped when she started using, so if she acts like a 12, 13, 14 or 15 year old, you know why.

    I agree---don't let her stay alone with your 2 year old, but addicts need support, love and encouragement.

    It is an awful, terrible, horrible disease, and it mows down everybody in its path. Take care of yourself. Again, realize your husband is in pain and grief and despair himself. Denial is a survival mechanism until we get strong enough to start seeing the truth.
  11. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    My frustration is that it's been going on for over a year. Between us we have 5 children. The other children are going without because of all the medical bills. She stated that she cannot get a student loan for anything but tuition. She needs an additional $2,000 for room and board. Grades are not there, in my opinion she needs to stay at local college where she can commute. I'm trying to be patient but when my 4.0 student who never ask me for anything, ask to borrow something and my husband responded with "ya don't always get what ya want" after sending her to a $30,000 school in NY Her freshmen year, kinda irked me. We've been to counseling. He refused to go back because the counselor told him things he didn't want to hear. I continue to go. I have 4 boys who, knock on wood, never have given us any trouble. They don't even back talk. It's hard because they are starting to resent the lopsided nature of the finances in our home. They see her being rewarded for bad behavior.
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I absolutely love that idea. I will have to put that in motion if difficult child decides to go back to school.
  13. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    And we already pay every month on her loan from her Freshmen year that we were never privy to her grades. I'm only asking to see her sophomore year because I know that's when drug use started and she told my 18 year old she flunked out.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Stop paying this adult's medical bills. You have five children, not one, and their needs matter as much as hers. She is old enough to go to work and pay her own bills, even if she needs payment plans. Or she can apply for Medicaid. It's not right for us to put our difficult children expenses above those of the rest of the family, especially at her age. She can go for free or reduced mental health care at the county mental health center. All your money isn't making her better, is it?

    Your other kids are a better investment, so to speak. Your stepdaughter won't get better UNLESS SHE WANTS TO. And it doesn't sound like she wants to. Forget college entirely. Until she is on a good path, you will be wasting A LOT of money. IF she wants to go to school so badly, she can pay for it. So far it seems she isn't very interested in school. Don't go broke trying to fix her. You can't.Druggies don't do well in college. If she gets into trouble due to drugs, such as losing teeth, I'd actually make her pay for it or wear the trophy of drugs by having missing teeth until she gets a job and can pay for it. I'm mean that way. I want them to HATE using drugs and I'll do all I can to make it bitterly unpleasant.
  15. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    I agree completely. I am 100% with you whether I have birth to her or not. I cannot understand what it will take or how to help my husband understand that his "helping" her is destroying the family financially, mentally, and emotionally draining everyone. He acts oblivious to the fact that there is an issue and believes every lie she tells him even when they make NO sense. This is where I need help. He tells me I'm just out to get her. If I was out to get her, I would keep encouraging him to give her money. He's going to help her kill herself.
  16. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    BL.please be encouraged, your husband like myself will understand the reality of the situation ( I still have a want to.control my 20 yr.old.son though have made some progress) ;if at least realizing that he.has placed himself in his situation. My husband and I fought non stop over my son before he was kicked out. Now.we.still don't see eye to eye concerning my son mostly because I am guilty of coddling him. I also have a 2 yr.old daughter that I.didn't like my son and I fighting in front her. Does your husband ever argue with your daughter? maybe he does when you are not around? I could never argue with my son in front of my husband in fear of what my son would say within earshot of my husband. the.entire ordeal was causing me panic and anxiety attacks all the time. I still suffer from them . But..the fighting between my husband and I are less frequent now that my son is gone. did you say your daughter is in a dorm. Or? How do you know if she is still enrolled? my son did a.semester at college till I started seeing signs of pot smoking but in my denial didn't was happening. Does your husband recognize your daughter has a problem? like MidwestMom says and I agree is that all college needs to be put off for now. I knew there was way too much commotion in for my.Son to study or concentrate. your stepdaughter around? I always told my son when he was in church that if he wasn't rubbing off on others than they.are.rubbing off on you. Now look at him...smoking weed ,facing drug charges, etc. I miss the sweet little boy playing hide with his.older sister. Or fishing.with him for the years I was.a.single Mom. how many years have you been married now? Imarried in 2009 so my son was already a teenager. my husband tells me all the time that my son saw him. intruder. I was.aalways at my sons defence even when I knew he was wrong..I've.begun reading the book. " co dependent no more " .I'm still working on problem is the same as your husband's.... I fear sometimes my son will think I don't love him. These forums have helped me out so much but I do have a question..... where are.all the fathers on this site? guess it's just another mother's duty? Lol
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We do have a few dad's that participate on the board but it is primarily women who post. I am not sure why. Come to think of it . . . I haven't see a dad post in quite a while. I wish they would. I think that it is nice to have a male perspective.

  18. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Have you said this to your husband? What is his response? What is he afraid will happen if he stops the flow of money? H and I have 5 children between us. Happy blended families need to be based on fairness and equality (you know this anyway). Your husband may be worried that he will lose his daughter's love if he stops the flow of money, but what about his other children and their perception of unfairness? Is his attitude based on the past maybe, does he feel that he abandoned her when he left her mother, are his actions based on guilt?

    He has to reach this understanding himself. You have to prioritise yourself and your youngest child. If I was in this position, especially if my step-daughter was living in the house with us, then I would consider leaving until the situation was made more healthy and I would tell my husband that I was considering this. He needs to understand that, although he is worried about losing one daughter, continuing in his current path could end up with him losing his youngest child as well as his wife.

    I read a few good books about step-parenting. One I would recommend is "The courage to be a step-mom. - How to find your place without losing yourself". It focusses on your needs and your rights and finding the strength to not be sucked into unhealthy relationships between spouses and their children.
  19. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

  20. Becca Lawson

    Becca Lawson New Member

    I have been with my husband for 5 years. She lived with us 50/50 until she left for college and now she lives with her mom but stays with her 36 year old boyfriend mostly. Which my husband is also in denial about her living arrangement even though her mother has told us she stays with him most of the time. In all the time I have known my husband, I have never seen him scold her or give her any consequences for any behavior. It's usually the other way around. If he tries to explain how she has broken a rule, she would go off and he would end up apologizing to her. With the current drug situation/money draining, total disrespect and cursing me every opportunity she gets, I really want to take the 4 boys and run away. Right now she is commuting. This fall she wants to stay in a dorm. I wouldn't hesitate to leave but then I would be powerless to stop her from being around my helpless 2 year old. I do love my husband very much but feel if he loved me or our family he would understand that the family involves more than just his daughter.