Stepgfg Makes Contact

[Hound dog]

About a half hour ago Nichole comes flying out of her room to tell me Stepgfg contacted her via MySpace asking if her mother's name is Lisa.

Nichole was pale and flustered and unsure what to do. She was in shock. Well, I didn't respond a whole lot better because I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. Nichole was looking for direction if I read her expression correctly, but I was stumped. (doesn't happen often)

I have warring emotions inside of me. I did not tell Nichole not to reply to stepgfg, although part of me wanted to do just that. I did not tell her to reply either.

I don't think it's my place to tell her anything. She lived that pain right along with the rest of us, and she took it the worst. Stepgfg is her sister. If she does or doesn't want to reply that's her decision.

On my part, I tried to go about what I was doing when she came into the room. I finally gave up. Too many thoughts are buzzing around in my brain to concentrate on anything else.

Why on earth did she ask if Nichole's mother's name is Lisa?

Yes, she hasn't seen Nichole since she was nearly 13, but Nichole hasn't changed in appearance except her hair is shorter. I have trouble believiing that stepgfg doesn't recognize her from the dozens of pics on her myspace page. Nichole has pics on there from several years ago. She's had her account for a long time.

Why didn't she ask if her Dad's name was ****? I mean, that's the parent they have in common. Or how about, "Hey, there, it's you're big sister here...."

I've been keeping tabs on stepgfg via myspace. I know without a doubt it's her. I use a different identity so she doesn't know it's me.

My stomach is doing flips. I keep feeling like I'm going to vomit. Panic is hovering nearby......

This is not exactly how I imagined I'd feel should she ever make this move.

Memories are running thru my mind and I can't make them stop. It's like a bad train wreck. You just can't help but look.

First thought that popped into my head after 6 yrs of no contact........Oh, my God. What does she want?

Awful.

I suspect she's got access to a computer thru work or a firend as she's not on consistantly or often. On her myspace page she states she's married to the boyfriend, has 3 kids, and yet it also says she's looking for Mr. Right. This doesn't encourage me that she has changed. She has a picture of a man on her page who is not boyfriend/husband.

God help her if she finds easy child on myspace. easy child will give it to her both barrels. Just mentioning stepgfg's name sends easy child into a rage. She can locate easy child via Nichole's page. Same for Travis.

I guess I'll have to wait and see how Nichole decides to handle this new development. As for me, I'm not ready.

 

[witzend]

Lisa, I know that you don't want to make decisions for Nicole, but you are a grown woman with a lot more hindsight than she has. She does indeed have the history of stepgfg and how awful that was for her, but she was a young girl seeing it through a young girl's eyes. She also doesn't have all of the knowledge that someone who has seen more of what this type of relationship can do to a person.

I agree that if she wants to answer her, she should, and if she doesn't she shouldn't. But you should guide her into a healthy well informed decision. Just because our kids are adults and we want them to be independent doesn't mean that we can't guide them when they need it. Right now, she needs it.

Just my .02.

 

[Hound dog]

Witz

Nichole replied before I had a chance to talk to her about it. She told me this morning.

I do plan on talking with her about stepgfg this evening. I don't want her hurt like that again. And stepgfg is very manipulative. I think she's hoping to gain information about Kayla and Alex. Although this morning I warned her to take anything stepgfg tells her with a grain of salt. It may or may not be true.

easy child is livid. Nichole emailed her about the contact last night. Travis has yet to find out.

Nichole told me she had nightmares about stepgfg most of the night. Nichole was so devistated over stepgfg that she supressed the memories. Although she watched Alex being born and spent practically everyday with Kayla, her memories of them are scant and vague. The emotions are still there, simmering and raw under the surface. Maybe this will help her bring them out and deal with them, I dunno.

At this point I don't have a clue what will happen next. Stepgfg may not even respond to Nichole's reply. She might and it might be ok. Or it might get ugly. One never knows with stepgfg.

Maybe that's why I'm having trouble keeping the panic at bay. I think I have PTSD thanks to stepgfg. ugh

 

[Genny]

I have to say, I disagree with Witz. If you tell Nichole not to reply and she does, and tells step-difficult child you told her not to...I wouldn't want to go there. Nichole needs to handle this herself. Of course you'll be there for support, and guidance if asked. If it turns ugly, Nichole can always set her page to private and block step-difficult child. Personally I think it's therapeutic for your girls to confront their "demons" and deal with them in their own way. It may even provide some closure for them.

Sounds like you could use some closure too. I totally understand the PTSD regarding difficult child's. I still react when easy child/difficult child has a particular tone in her voice, or says certain phrases. Even though she hasn't acted like a difficult child in a couple of years. I recommend seeing a counselor, just for you. I went by myself for a while and it really helped me to put things in perspective, and let go of some of the past hurts.

Good luck - and keep us posted!

Genny

 

[KTMom91]

Wow...sending many hugs and lots of strength to you all.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Deep breaths, Lisa.

I would try to approach this as calmly as possible. You will be much more equipped to catch a warning sign if you are thinking clearly than if you are in panic mode.

It was good to talk to Nichole about Step-difficult child. Repressed memories are rarely a good thing. It might just be Nichole's time to deal with the pain she suffered at the hands of StepGFG, and this might just be the first step in her healing.

Sending all the good karma and juju and vibes and electric happiness for your family to get through this.

Big hugs.

 

[mom_in_training]

Nichole is already having nightmares? Not good. Sounds like step difficult child is poison. Nicholes choice but she can block this person from messeging her at all on myspace. If she added her she can delete her then set her profile and everything to private as well as only recieve messeges from her added friends or just creat a whole new myspace account not using her name anywhere. I do not know the whole story but whatever it was it must have been pretty bad considering just her contact via computer has everybody so shaken up.

 

[Abbey]

Gosh. I have no advice. I'm trying to think of it in terms of J trying to establish contact with easy child. At easy child's age, almost 19, I'd let him make that decision and take whatever came out of it...good or bad. You learn by experience.

Abbey

 

[witzend]

I have to say, I disagree with Witz. If you tell Nichole not to reply and she does, and tells step-difficult child you told her not to...

I think you misread what I wrote. I said:

if she wants to answer her, she should, and if she doesn't she shouldn't. But you should guide her into a healthy well informed decision.

 

[Hound dog]

Stepgfg responded to Nichole's reply.

She stated that she was reading Nichole's response when Kayla saw her crying at the computer. When she explained why she was crying, Kayla told her to write Nichole back.

She stated that Kayla is fine. Alex is not deformed. (I'm not sure exactly what she means by that) He was having physical issues from being dropped/physically abused while they still lived here. She stated that Alex is diagnosed ADHD and is in Special Education. (autism diagnosis will come later, trust me, I knew that while they were here too) She told Nichole that she had another baby that was still born. And her 3rd child is a 2 yr old little boy named Evan or Ethan.

Since Nichole read the response on my computer I read it with her. When she broke into tears.

Guess we'll see what develops.

 

[susiestar]

Lisa,

I think you are a pretty great parent, to open yourself up like this again. I know stepgfg hurt you devastatingly, and the rest of the family also. What is your husband's opinion on this, if he has one?

I am glad you got info on your grandbabies, I know your heart hungers for it, but I am so sorry this whole can of worms is being opened back up again.

Whatever you do, whatever support you offer, please don't share this site info, and please ask Nichole not to. You need a place just for you. As toxic as stepgfg sounds, it is good to keep your support network private. If she finds us on her own, fine. But she doesn't need to get your thoughts and feelings from here.

I am sending hugs adn strength to you, Nichole, easy child, and the rest of the family. This will be a tough chapter in your lives..

Hugs

 

[witzend]

Most people would have a cold hard calloused heart after all that, Lisa. You're a very special person.

 

[Hound dog]

No way will stepgfg be given this site. No. This is my safe haven. And if she finds her way here, I'll have to change my sig and username and the whole ball of wax. And I will tell Nichole to keep the site to herself.

Nichole did get back in touch with her tonight. (me sitting beside her) easy child called while this was going on, but easy child is not taking this well. She has a right to her anger, just as much as Nichole has to want to heal and attempt to move forward.

Stepgfg and Nichole exchanged some basic news. Nichole did ask for an explanation as to why she took off the way she did and didn't contact anyone. Stepgfg said the then boyfriend had a better job offer back in Mo. Yeah, ok. Right. Mr. Illiterate is gonna get an offer he just can't turn down for washing dishes. (please!) Then said she didn't contact us because she'd heard I didn't think she was a good Mom and that it had broken her heart because she loved and respected me so much. Uh, yeah. She heard because I'd told her I'd turned her in to CPS, and exactly why I'd done it. So evidently this was all some silly misunderstanding that I'm to blame for.

Then she said she's got something wrong with her brain that was found when she returned to MO via an MRI. A malformation of some sort that supposedly causes her much pain and anguish. Which she normally takes medications for, but can't right now since she's lost her insurance. Of course I can't know for sure, but this sends up a red flag of the ol' stepgfg manipulation. "poor pity me" Hard to know if there is any truth to it as stepgfg always did tend toward hypochondria like her Dad. (especially if she thought it would get her out of working)

Nichole sent off a picture of Aubrey. Then decided to add pics of Kayla and Alex as babies that I still have on my computer. These are pics I know stepgfg doesn't have, as all their baby stuff was left behind when she ran. I have it all, locked safely in my trunk of keepsakes. Nichole told her that as well.

After that email stepgfg got off line without replying. But easy child had also gotten back on. Nichole was worried that easy child had contacted stepgfg and was giving her a piece of her mind. Possible. But easy child assured Nichole that it doesn't bother her that she is open to talking to stepgfg. While making it clear she doesn't feel the same way. Nichole was releaved. She didn't want easy child to be mad at her for talking to stepgfg.

So.......I'm still sitting in the shadows. Which is where I'm content to stay at the moment. Nichole seems more comfortable talking to stepgfg at the moment with me near. They exchanged emails. (we already had stepgfg's - I'd found it a long time ago) She is not letting stepgfg know that I know the contact has been made, or that I'm reading the emails along with her. Because right now it's allowing me to keep the facts straight and not allow stepgfg to gloss over what happened 6 yrs ago.

Nichole and I talked a long time tonight. Her expectations don't seem too high. (good) She said if all that comes of this is getting some answers and being able to find closure, then that will be enough. I hope so. I know we've talked more about stepgfg in the past 24 hrs than we have in the past 6 yrs.

husband is furious, much of the same mind as easy child. But he will jump whichever way I want him to jump in the future. (it's the way he is) To be honest, stepgfg and I had a much closer relationship than she and husband ever did.

Man. This is alot to take in.

 

[Suz]

Which she normally takes medications for, but can't right now since she's lost her insurance.

Lisa, could this be setting the stage for a request for money? - that was my first thought, anyway.

I think you are doing a beautiful job handling/helping with an incredibly delicate situation.

Suz

 

[Hound dog]

*sigh*

Yes, Suz. It's possible stepgfg is setting the scene to ask for money. That was my first thought when I read that part of the email. It would be right in character with the stepgfg we know and love. She also asked about mother in law, to which Nichole replied that she was doing well for her advanced age.

Maybe she was hoping mother in law had passed and left her something in the will. But mother in law is a smart woman, and had stepgfg legally worded right out of the will the very week she took off. mother in law's lawyer (an excellent one) assures her the way he worded it, the will can't be contested. Will or not she wouldn't get it as stepgfg's inheritance has already been passed on to me. In hopes that someday they could be passed on to Kayla and Alex in the distant future. (thereby skipping stepgfg altogether)

Witz I guess you could say I do have a cold heart when it comes to stepgfg. I do still love her, in my eyes she's my child. And I don't wish any bad for her. But I don't trust her as far as I can spit. I doubt I ever will again, no matter how much she's changed. I don't see us ever regaining the close relationship we once had. I will alway be wary when it comes to stepgfg.

I'm figuring it won't be long before we discover stepgfg's motives for contact. She never was big in the patience dept.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa...I know your heart wishes that stepgfg came forward simply out of familial love and concern. If wishes were fishes. I suspect that you are correct that her motives will be laid apparent quite soon. Her reasons for leaving were stupid and self serving. Anyone could see through them.

One good thing can come from this though. Kayla is getting older now and with kids being so computer literate she may be able to keep in contact without her moms knowledge. 8 isnt the same 8 as it was years ago.

 

[susiestar]

Lisa,

I don't know how you can cope with all the drama. I fear you are fixin' to be facin' conflama from this stepgfg.

The "brain disease" or whatever - make sure Nichole knows how to research anything she is told by her sister. At least about the disease. I assume, being computer literate, she does.

I would also remind Nichole that she cannot give out mother in law or easy child's addresses or phone numbers - just as a matter of family courtesy.

Would it increase any likelihood of you ever seeing the grandkids if stepgfg thought it would "upset" you if you or her dad were named guardian of the babies? I know - 8 isn't a baby, but still. Just wondering if maybe this attempt to "reach out" based on YOUR name is to drop a kid or 3 off on your doorstep?

I know, I am cynical. But if stepgfg has glossed it over in her mind to a minor thing, then that may be her next step, or thought.

You are a good mom to sit with Nichole through this. Nichole wouldn't be nearly as able to handle this if you were not so supportive.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Star*]

Ya know....

When you posted about this (finding her) before I thought----UGH after all she put you and your kids through......my thought was best to let sleeping dogs lay.

I just keep thinking - curiosity killed the cat.

You're a bigger person than I could be Lisa - really really!

I'd tell her to take her problems and stay away.

 

[Hound dog]

Susie, Nichole has yet to send pics of Darrin, or even tell stepgfg easy child has a child because she didn't haver permission to do so by easy child. As for mother in law, she's listed in the phone book, and honestly, stepgfg should already know her address. And Nichole doesn't know easy child house address. Weird, I know, but easy child lives right down the alley, so Nichole's never given her address any thought. However I'm not so thrilled Nichole gave out our address so that stepgfg "could send us pics of Kayla and Alex." But there is no reason to be upset at Nichole. I am also listed, and stepgfg could gain that info anytime she wants without any real effort.

easy child has given her permission for Nichole to send off pics of Darrin if she wants. In PCs words, "Let her see the family she walked out on and will never know."

I told Nichole I'll believe we get pics of the grands when we open it in the mail. I've delt with that song and dance before. I don't want her getting her hopes up. Nichole has yet to even tell stepgfg that she is still living at home. And I told her that it might be best to keep that little fact to herself.

It's possible she asked about me because she wants to drop the 3 kids on my doorstep. (I wouldn't put anything past her) If she asks to the answer will be No. I never thought I'd say that. But too many years have passed. Kayla and Alex are strangers to us now. And with the type of life they were living when stepgfg took off.........probably have more problems than I would know how to deal with.

It's also possible she's in some sort of trouble there and needs a place to run to again. (also won't happen) Is hoping there is an inheritance from mother in law. (there isn't) Or that somehow she can sucker us into "helping poor lil her" again. (yeah, right)

As far as the grands go......I find it suspicious we've been given no other info other than Kayla is fine and Alex is not "deformed" (that discription still gets me). You'd think she'd be bragging on them a bit to catch Nichole up. But no. Nothing. Suspicious to me. And she gave Nichole a bit of a far out story about how she couldn't send pics of them via internet because every time she buys a camera it's not compatible with her laptop. (that she supposedly owns)

It's possible she doesn't even have custody of either Kayla or Alex. And as awful as it is to say, that little fact wouldn't deter her from attempting to use them in some scheme of hers. I have warned Nichole this is possible. Which is why I had Nichole ask for pics of the grands. Even at 8 and 7 I'd be able to recognize them via pics. Kayla looked identical to easy child at 2 and Alex was a carbon copy of husband, so he ought to resemble Travis or husband.

Star I would've let sleeping dogs lie. Once I'd finally found stepgfg I'd realized that just knowing she was alive was enough for me.

But Nichole wanted contactl. She wants some sort of closure to this, and for her it is important to try. So I'm supporting her as much as I can. I am proud of Nichole. She's not holding her tongue when it comes to telling stepgfg how she feels about her taking off, or her explanations of the why she did it. Honestly, I'm surprised as each email is responded to because Nichole doesn't pull punches or mince words. So if it helps Nichole to be able to tell her sister how she felt and feels about her abandonment of the family, then I guess it needs to be done.

I suppose it's the reprocussions of teaching my kids that family is everything, the most important thing in their lives. easy child, Travis, and Nichole learned the lesson well. Stepgfg just never seemed to grasp the concept.

Stepgfg's response to receiving the pics of Kayla and Alex was that she'd assumed I'd thrown them all away. Nichole responded with "why on earth would she do that? They're still family, no matter what you did"

 

[DammitJanet]

Her camera isnt compatible with her laptop? What a bunch of hooey! Even a throwaway can have a disk made and put the pics on a computer...lol. You may be right that she doesnt have the kids.

I do hope this works out without too much pain for any of you.