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sticking to boundries
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<blockquote data-quote="recovering doormat" data-source="post: 220204" data-attributes="member: 5941"><p>I so sympathize. My ex and I have different parenting styles and he would often accuse me of caving in to manipulation. He was right, and it's possible I did that to deliberately undermine him. It was a very troubled marriage for many years before I bailed out.</p><p> </p><p>However, these kids are smart and are genius at prying apart your rules so that they get what they want. It has taken me a very long time to understand just how manipulated I have been. Now I'm angry enough to do something about it and my kids are going nuts, calling me "psycho" and other things I can't write here. I take it as a compliment: I am finally doing my job as a parent.</p><p> </p><p>These children desperately want rules. I think going to this club at all is a big mistake - she might think that she can handle a little weed or coke or pills or just a beer or too, but how do you just limit them? That's hard for most adults to do, let alone an adolescent whose brain is still developing.</p><p> </p><p>On the plus side, she's young, and probably will be more easily "retrained" to enjoy healthier pursuits. </p><p> </p><p>You can't really let her out of your site and it's just too much to expect her dad, who loves her and wants to make her happy, to be able to keep up with all the chaperoning. They find a way around it.</p><p> </p><p>I'd look into the creation of an under 18 drug and alcohol dance party - I'll bet other parents would love to see something like that.</p><p> </p><p>The other thing you can do is once a month, if she stays on track, allow her to have a few friends over for pizza and to play loud music and dance if they want until a reasonable time, at your home or rotate with other parents. If you can scrape together some change to book a room at the local firehouse or Elks club or whereever you can get a public room for cheap, that takes the pressure off of parents hosting. </p><p> </p><p>To keep my youngest, who is only twelve, away from crowds of bored kids who congregate several blocks from my house on Friday nights to smoke week and cigarettes at the edge of a middle school playing field (out of sight of parents, cops, neighbors), I let her have a bunch of girlfriends sleep over at my house and I stay out of sight but within listening distance while they watch movies or dance, or mostly gossip about their classmates. I have food available and make them clean up afterward, or no "party" next tme.</p><p> </p><p>It's so hard, and I think as we get older it's just worse, it's so easy to let them do what they want rather than listen to them whine and rage and threaten to walk out. But as the parent of a 15 yr old boy who is headed to rehab sometime this week, and will be spending Christmas away from home in a lockdown facility, it's good that you are nipping this in the bud.</p><p> </p><p>Take care and continue to come here and vent. Everyone understands.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recovering doormat, post: 220204, member: 5941"] I so sympathize. My ex and I have different parenting styles and he would often accuse me of caving in to manipulation. He was right, and it's possible I did that to deliberately undermine him. It was a very troubled marriage for many years before I bailed out. However, these kids are smart and are genius at prying apart your rules so that they get what they want. It has taken me a very long time to understand just how manipulated I have been. Now I'm angry enough to do something about it and my kids are going nuts, calling me "psycho" and other things I can't write here. I take it as a compliment: I am finally doing my job as a parent. These children desperately want rules. I think going to this club at all is a big mistake - she might think that she can handle a little weed or coke or pills or just a beer or too, but how do you just limit them? That's hard for most adults to do, let alone an adolescent whose brain is still developing. On the plus side, she's young, and probably will be more easily "retrained" to enjoy healthier pursuits. You can't really let her out of your site and it's just too much to expect her dad, who loves her and wants to make her happy, to be able to keep up with all the chaperoning. They find a way around it. I'd look into the creation of an under 18 drug and alcohol dance party - I'll bet other parents would love to see something like that. The other thing you can do is once a month, if she stays on track, allow her to have a few friends over for pizza and to play loud music and dance if they want until a reasonable time, at your home or rotate with other parents. If you can scrape together some change to book a room at the local firehouse or Elks club or whereever you can get a public room for cheap, that takes the pressure off of parents hosting. To keep my youngest, who is only twelve, away from crowds of bored kids who congregate several blocks from my house on Friday nights to smoke week and cigarettes at the edge of a middle school playing field (out of sight of parents, cops, neighbors), I let her have a bunch of girlfriends sleep over at my house and I stay out of sight but within listening distance while they watch movies or dance, or mostly gossip about their classmates. I have food available and make them clean up afterward, or no "party" next tme. It's so hard, and I think as we get older it's just worse, it's so easy to let them do what they want rather than listen to them whine and rage and threaten to walk out. But as the parent of a 15 yr old boy who is headed to rehab sometime this week, and will be spending Christmas away from home in a lockdown facility, it's good that you are nipping this in the bud. Take care and continue to come here and vent. Everyone understands. [/QUOTE]
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