Still detaching

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AliceLee, Mar 12, 2007.

  1. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi, I haven't posted in a week or so. I'm doing pretty well with detaching.

    Let's see...

    difficult child is living with abusive boyfriend again. They are at his mother's house. Their apartment has apparently been sitting vacant because they couldn't afford to pay the electric bill. I believe they're in the process of being evicted, too.

    She asked if we could keep her dog for a week or two since boyfriend's mom doesn't like dogs much. husband and I agreed. Maybe a little enabling, but we love the dog and enjoy having her around.

    She lost her job, but supposedly starts a new one on Thursday. Better hours (12-9 as opposed to 3-midnight, and no weekends), but $2/ hour less pay. She will be a bill collector (she'll probably have to call herself.)

    Her car has been wrecked---front end is all torn up, but driveable. The story is that someone backed into her in a parking lot. She said they had insurance and would be covering repairs. Later, the story changed...she's just gonna let the car fall apart. Whatever.

    She came by on Saturday to visit the dog. While here, she said that she and boyfriend (who I think will continue to abuse her) were moving into a townhouse with rent about $200/month cheaper than their old place. I guess my thoughts were pretty transparent, because she said, "Why are you making such a face?" I just said that I didn't think much of her moving in with boyfriend, but it was her life.

    difficult child tried to leave wearing one of easy child's outfits (easy child was at work). I asked whose jeans and sweater those were just before she walked out the door. She didn't answer, so I repeated my question. She responded that they were easy child's. I told her to take them off and go put on her own clothes. difficult child did comply, but added, "easy child needs to <u>grow up</u>!" ????????

    Yesterday, she called husband and asked if he would help her move into the townhouse. He was trying to see what his business has scheduled so he could use a company truck for the furniture.

    When husband got off the phone, I asked him to please think about whether or not he should help her...I told him it was completely up to him, but I did feel that it would be enabling. If she wants it so badly, she can wait til she has enough money for a U-haul and figure out the moving details herself. I told husband that if he didn't want to confront difficult child, he could just say that the truck is not available, and he isn't either due to his weak back (he did injure it about 10 days ago). Anyway, I'm trying not to force my opinion on husband, but I do hope he will decide not to make it easy for her to move in with someone who is not good for her.
    He does agree that we won't be giving them one more cent, but I don't think he really thought about giving our time and effort to enable them.

    Sorry this is so long...just need to vent.
  2. kris

    kris New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: AliceLee</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> She will be a bill collector (she'll probably have to call herself.)</div></div>

    <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #6600CC"> well at least you haven't lost your sense of humor lol.

    sorry she's not changing.

    you're right....even helping her move is enabling. hopefully husband will come to view it in that light.

    </span> </span> </span>
  3. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm sorry she is still making the wrong decisions. Hopefully she wakes up soon. It is so hard to watch sometimes.
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Sorry Alice! I would have to say the truck is not available too.

    I had to laugh about her calling herself! You keep your sense of humor, it will help. Sometimes we have to laugh to keep from crying.

    You are all in my thoughts, wishing for the best!
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    This sounds so familiar, I could almost have written it myself. Why do these girls gravitate to abusers? (Just a rhetorical question.)

    Hope your husband considers what you said; in my opinion you were absolutely correct.
  6. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    If she is moving in with boyfriend, why is she expecting husband to help her do something you both are against?

    Maybe this time, things will work out for difficult child.

    I know what you mean though, about it being almost impossible not to help them.

    The little stinkers!

  7. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    I am so proud of my husband! When she called back about the truck, he told her it wasn't available---told her she & boyfriend should probably figure out another way to transport their stuff. :bravo:

    I, however, didn't do as great of a job as husband. Last night, easy child called and said her car wouldn't I was on the way out the door to pick easy child up.

    At this point, difficult child calls and says, "Do you have any feminine products?"
    I said, "Yes, Why?"
    "I need some and I don't have any money."
    "Ok, so what do you want me to do?"
    "Send them to work with Daddy tomorrow. I don't have enough gas to drive all the way to your house to get them." (HOW WEIRD IS THIS???!!!!???)
    Anyway, I was flustered about easy child's car problems, and said "OK" and we hung up. husband was flabbergasted...both that she asked, and that I agreed.
  8. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Story continued..sorry, I pressed the wrong button.

    Anyhow...husband did bring the "stuff" to work with him. She did show up just as he was leaving the office. She told him she had already purchased the products last night. husband did not take time to talk further with her, so that was that.

    I'm guessing she had ulterior motives...get mom upset because poor little difficult child can't even take care of her basic needs, then go ask daddy for money the next day. But the plan was foiled! Like I said, husband is doing a great job!!!

    TYLERFAN New Member

    For you and husband!!!!!

    I also get frantic calls for feminine supplies and phone minutes..... :hypnosis:

  10. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Sometimes I wonder how any of us lives through this.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, Alice Lee.

    It has got to be breaking your heart.

    The only thing I would add to what the others have said is to tailor yourself a short message. (Mine for difficult child is "Don't use drugs." I say it to him everytime I talk to him, as many times as I can. And no, it doesn't always fit into the conversation!)

    Whatever you think is the root cause of what is happening to your girl, compose your message around that and tell it to her every single time you talk to or see her.

    None of us expected that it would ever come to where it did with our kids, Alice Lee.

    You did just fine.

    There is not a mother here who would not have sent those products, or a father who would not have taken them to work for his daughter.

    How does that old saying go?

    Something about using tampons with impunity but staying away from abusive males and drugs...?

    Or did I get that wrong?


  11. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Tylerfan! I just noticed your quote about how what doesn't kill you makes your book longer.


    Too funny!


  12. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: HereWeGoAgain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">This sounds so familiar, I could almost have written it myself. Why do these girls gravitate to abusers? (Just a rhetorical question.)


    HereWeGoAgain, My therapist said that they chose these kinds of men because their self esteem is low. She said these girls think they are not worthy of anything better. They pick men that confirm those feelings of unworthiness. :crying: