Still havent heard from him

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    and I am getting mad. What an inconsiderate brat!! Really I am angry at this point..... because he walked out of the program AMA an totally his own unilateral decision we don't get a penny back... and we had just paid for the month. Made me really see that we really cant pay for any more treatment because he is not the one taking any risk... when it gets too hard he walks!!!! Grrrrrr.

    And honestly couldn't he follow through and at least show us the consideration to call us just because.... maybe just to let us know that yes he is ok????? The last I heard he is ok... or at least alive because his therapist from the program had heard that from the mother of the girl he is with.... I have stayed out of contacting the other mother for a variety of reasons but I may try to get her number just for my own peace of mind.

    As much as I want to hear that he is ok, i also dread that phone call because I am sure he will only call us when he is in real trouble or need..... and then I will be faced with having to tell him he has to save himself, that I cant help him. I know that will be really hard. And i suspect we might get those threats of suicide and I don't want to deal with that. Ick.

    The police came to the door the other night looking for him since there is a warrant out for his arrest. So if he shows up in this state he will go to jail for violation of probation. That might be the best thing that could happen.

    I am actually doing mostly ok... as long as I don't think too much. I have to really push myself not to go down the coulda shoulda road. It is pointless and just gets me depressed. I am sleeping ok but tend to wake up early and can't get back to sleep.

    I can't beleive that after all we have tried to help him we are still sitting in this place. The good thing is it is very clear we cant do any more... we have done it all. And I think he may know that...but may not too.

    TL
     
  2. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    (((huggs)))

    When I was very upset about not hearing from my difficult child once a total stranger told me, don't worry about it, if he needs you he will call. And it is very true.

    You will be hearing from him very soon.

    My difficult child is not telling me about suicidal thoughts, but he is other people. Stay strong, it is good you are able to sleep. I have had an emotional roller coaster ride for two weeks and I am drained.

    Try to enjoy your weekend!
     
  3. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    TL: I am so glad that you are able to detach from your son right now. That is probably the best thing that you can do for yourself. I hope that you can take this time to do something nice for yourself. You will hear from your difficult child when he needs something, and until then you should take care of your own peace of mind. I say the serenity prayer to myself all the time, because it helps to calm me whenever I start to panic about my difficult child. I am sending you wishes for serenity and strength in the days ahead. HUGS...
     
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think we need to get mad before we can detach and set our boundaries on what we will and will not accept and how far we will extend ourselves in the future. Anger was a tough emotion for me to get through. It was so close to the surface and I just wanted to somehow release it so I could move on. I am chairing several upcoming meetings in my support group andf I picked the topic of anger as one that I wanted to cover because it was such a big part of my detachment.

    I'm angry for you TL. He really did not give any consideration to the fact that you just paid for another month and you are right on that you were the one taking the risk, not him. He knows how you worry about him and yet he doesn't contact you to let you know he is ok. But he sure knows how to get you when he needs something.

    It does sound like you are accepting that it is what it is and that you know you have done all you can. Our difficult child's are living their lives the way they want to at the moment. I have accepted that with my difficult child, it helps to quiet the panic I feel when I think of what she is doing and her future. I too have to stay far away from the shoulda coulda thoughts.

    Take care of yourself, you deserve to have peace in your life.

    Nancy
     
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    TL
    I am so sorry. I know the feeling of anger and worry. You have done so much for difficult child. It is in his court. All we can do is let go and let God.
    I too am angry for you..he is ungrateful and has no idea what you have been through on his behalf. All he is thinking about is hid hormones and this girl.
    They just seem to live for the thrill of the moment with no regard for the future. I am thinking about you. ((( hugs)))
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL...mad is actually a good thing to get to. I dont know if you have a smart phone but if you do, you can get an app which is a phone number blocker. You will still that someone called and you can set a benign remark that they have preset such as"Sorry to have missed your call, busy right now. Leave a message." Only the leave a message is said if you have checked the box to have messages also saved in the blocker.

    You wont even hear the phone ring. You will only know it happens because the silver lock turns red. All the calls, time of calls, numbers called from and messages are left in a vault in the blocker. I used in when Keyana's mom was giving us so much grief. I didnt want to hear my phone ring twenty times a day. The kid was with her father. In your case, you could set it to allow only the numbers on your caller list and everyone else goes to the block list. Check it regularly and if its someone you want to get through, well its not offensive and they dont know they have been blocked.
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your thoughts and anger on my behalf......and yeah mad is better than sad!
     
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    TL,
    Getting ready to leave town to take easy child to college but wanted to drop you a quick note.

    I understand the anger, frustration and disappointment you must feel.
    I haven't written my young difficult child in prison for around 2 months because I am disturbed about tattoos he put on his chest. My daughter in law suggests I write him...but I am reminded of what I was taught at Al Anon several yrs ago when my visits/efforts for oldest difficult child in prison did not always go as planned.

    They asked me to "Check your motives"...they told me that if I gave, did, or said anything with expection of some kind of positive return that "it was not a gift".

    husband and I have lost 10's of thousands due to our difficult child's behavior/choices/drug addiction. I am no longer angry as it is what it is. We tried, gave, and sacrificed our best. I can live with that now.

    I don't know if anything I said helps but I hope your anger will subside in time.
    Caring thoughts,
    LMS
    ps...My oldest difficult child is now very functional and hard working, sober (perhaps "dry") even. He does not thank us for all that we gave in the past, in fact, he now judges us (me) for being mentally ill, going to the casino here and there, his sister's preference, and his brother being in prison. He told husband that he would NOT be here if young difficult child was here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. There is no sign of real gratitude or recognition from him even though he put us through all kinds of H for many years. It's as if he's forgotten and refuses to be reminded of where he once was. He is "oh so much better" than the rest of his family now...sigh, it would be nice to hear a Thank You from him every once in awhile.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry TL. I agree that being angry is a positive. And, knowing you've done all you can do. When I reached a real angry point coupled with the knowledge that I had done everything I could do, that was the point where I let go. You've done so much, I imagine you've turned over every rock to find solutions.......... and he walked away. I hope this is the turning point for you, as tough as it is to let go, it beats the anguish of holding on. (((HUGS))))
     
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS at this point i dont care about thanks.....i just want him to figure things out to lead a productive life....sounds like your oldest difficult child has done that even if it comes with judgement.

    And RE you are describingn exactly the point I am getting to.... realizing I have done all I can do and so I am starting to let go..... the real test will be when that phone call comes begging me for help and my having to tell him he needs to find a way to save himself. i both welcome and dread that call.

    TL
     
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS at this point i dont care about thanks.....i just want him to figure things out to lead a productive life....sounds like your oldest difficult child has done that even if it comes with judgement.

    And RE you are describingn exactly the point I am getting to.... realizing I have done all I can do and so I am starting to let go..... the real test will be when that phone call comes begging me for help and my having to tell him he needs to find a way to save himself. i both welcome and dread that call.

    TL
     
  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    TL,

    I am sorry he chose to do this. At least, thankfully, you can say you did every single sane thing possible. Know you and your family are in my prayers.
     
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