Still looking at residential

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Drew64, Jan 31, 2015.

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  1. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    So finally got my daughter to look at a residential facility with us and the case manager. Of course hated it. didn't want the therapy part and minimum stay is 6 months. Therapist that spoke with is has been there 15 yrs. I liked her. This is her last and only option since she refuses medications and outpatient therapy. Also didn't lkue any alternative schools we saw. She is stuck and doesn't get what she is doing to herself. So basically either a court order or putting her in hospital first and then transferring her are only 2 options to get her there. I'm told can't get court order unless has a felony charge. She has no charges against her. Just depressed and angry. Causing a lot of stress in house. She did say would go if mom went to a hospital as well. Mom and her don't get along well. Mom will be getting her own therapy but as outpt.
    Mom also has a head injury which affects her emotions too. Daughter can't seem to understand this. Just see mom yells and curses and stuff and she doesn't get punished so why do I get punished. Kid is 16. Th facility itself has a school and an adolescent in patient hospital in case they harm self. They take trips and do therapy both group and individual. This is a hard decision but can't afford out of state schoos like some educational consultans want.
     
  2. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Are you at least willing to share the state you are in? Sometimes there are state laws that you are not aware of that would help you get your child in these programs.
     
  3. Don't mind the out of state schools. Some educational consultants get referral fees so they would most likely recommend a wilderness program costing about 400 dollars per day and a boarding school next. Been there. Done that. We were lucky that my brother works as a transport agent. We took a short program instead but now years later more and more indicate that our daughter just learned to keep up her front better.

    Choose what you can find nearby and where you can visit her. Some treatment centers require a blackout period before you can visit. Avoid them. You could download some documents from a youth transport company and leave them in the house. If she then ask you can tell her that you would prefer to transport her yourself instead of letting strangers take her by night. You have to tell her that she really doesn't have an option but a treatment center nearby or a treatment center in another state. She doesn't know your financial situation. She would most likely take the center nearby considering the other option.
     
  4. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    I am in NJ. She's accepted into program just need to talk to her again that this is last option. Wish it wasn't but she blames everybody for her actions. Or lack of action. She thinks if I say no they can't do anything or I'd I don't go visit that can't do anything.
     
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    How has her behavior been? Is she doing her school work? In NJ you don't need a felony charge against you to get court ordered into residential. We got the police involved to get our son into residential. We did that on the advice of two psychiatrists. Anytime he started to act out, we called the police. They charged him with something like disturbing the peace and something else that I don't recall. He'd be brought to the hospital after that. The last time in the hospital, the psychiatrist worked hard to get him kept there and to get him to see the judge while there. The judge listened to what was going on with our son and he court ordered him into residential. We had to wait for a bed to open and it took months because of the long waiting list. So he was discharged from the hospital and we had to wait it out at home. The judge had him on probation so that helped also.
     
  6. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    She's up and down emotionally. Not doing work left by home instructors. Hates her mom. Mom has some issues to work through but is going to therapy on own. Doesent take responsibility for her actions. Blames mom or me or whoever. We were told a bed will be available end of February. Need to get a physical and get other paper work done.
    She may need to be in hospital first then transferred only because she won't go voluntarily.
     
  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Well Drew, you have to do what is best for her and it seems to me that is what you are trying to accomplish and also you are doing a good job at standing your ground/boundaries. One thing I will say to give you peace of mind: don't let it bother you that she is uncooperative, mean or hateful. She is absolutely entitled to her feelings to not like what your choices for her are. Every human has the right to their own feelings. As the adult, you know what is best for your child so just don't let the theatrics of her behavior break YOUR boundaries to what is best for her. She has every right to be PO-ed, but she still has to do what you say she will do. Don't let her make you feel like the bad guy for making the right choices, you get to a point of peace with yourself by understanding that she has the right to her feelings, not the right to choose about the choices you are responsible for making for her. Just understand, she probably will fight you every step of the way. To that I say SO WHAT? She still needs the help and guidance of professionals, and putting her in a place that can offer her that is the best decision you can make for both her and your family. You are being a good father/husband by moving forward and doing right by your child. Don't doubt yourself. If you child didn't need out-of-home placement, they wouldn't have accepted her.
     
  8. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    Tried talking to her again today. Had to take her to orthodontist for follow up visit. Talked to dr about she may be out of area for a while so may need to take braces off. She got suspicious of why I was talking to him. She again said not going to facility. Became very sarcastic. She may need to even sign a form to consent to going there which is absurd given her state of mind. Been told that's the law in this state. Doesent make any sense since teenage brains aren't fully developed yet so how can they decide what's best for them.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's absurd, period. She is a minor. She can't even drive yet, but she can veto your decision about her health. This issue makes me very angry.

    I wish you luck!!!! Keep us posted.
     
  10. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    Yes makes me mad too. If it was a medical issue and not a mental health issue It would be different. They would take her out of the house if I didn't take her for treatment of let's say cancer. Charge me with neglect.
     
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    She can refuse medical treatment too. And school teaches them that they have this "right".

    I will refrain from getting up on my high horse over this... I could.
     
  12. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    She can only refuse if she is deemed competent. At this point she's staying in her room not taking care of herself other than to come out and eat when hungry. Did shower this morning but that was 5 days coming. Spoke to one of the health professionals we have been seeing today. He does not see this as an organic brain issue just a kid angry at a situation or parent and digging her heels in. I kind of agree. She's doesent drink, do drugs, cut herself or threaten to harm herself or others. She will curse me, scream at times but just won't go for out patient therapy or talk to anyone about anything going on inside.
     
  13. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    I just wanted to chime in and say that I can empathize... my difficult child is 17 and currently in a wilderness program after a whirlwind few weeks of atrocious behavior (she's been difficult for her entire life, but the past 6 months or so have been absolute hell).

    We are going residential as well after the wilderness program. We have hired an educational consultant to help find a good placement for her because she is clinically very complex, on top of which she has a low IQ and turns 18 this year.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  14. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    I looked into consultants but way too expensive. Two said wilderness off the bat.
     
  15. As I stated above your daughter don't know that you cannot afford a youth transport firm, wilderness program and a related boarding school as many wilderness programs comes as package deals where boarding schools are a part of the referral fee the education consultant gets from the owners of treatment programs.

    Because she doesn't know you can download and print the brochures, place them where she would notice them and if she ask hint that it could be an option for her to be transported out of state if she doesn't take the local offer. Local programs offer home visits sooner than private out of state programs where they also have to focus of running their businesses. She should be told that. Do everything to make it a choice by her so she will go to the local program willingly.

    My brother has transported a lot of kids to out of state programs. While they do everythings to calm the situation down there is a huge risk that it would leave some kind of trauma and general distrust forever.
     
  16. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Drew,
    Not showering for 5 days seems to me more like depression then rebellion but that's my opinion. In another post, I believe you mentioned she got a knife out. To me, that's a problem that could happen again. On having to sign a consent form, unfortunately, she does in NJ. Is the orthodontist going to take the braces off because they are ready to come off? If not, don't let them take them off. Work something out with the facility and where they would be willing to transport her or make the appointment on a day you can take her. They are very accommodating with such matters there. Don't want to see you waste all the money that has been put into her braces if they aren't ready to come off. Hoping things get better for you
    Flowergarden
     
  17. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    They aren't ready yet but she has not taken care of them. Gums are inflamed because doesent brush teeth. Yes there is depression but also defiant. She's doing it to herself. The facility would take them to dr or dentist down there but orthodontist usually keep own. Its a two hour drive to get there so to drive 6 hours just for brace adjust met not worth it. It's her own self imposed misery. I think everyday how to break her out of it but nothing works. I don't want to put her anywhere but leaving me no choice. I just don't want it to. Are it worse
     
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you think it's a mix of defiance and depression... then I'm going out on a limb here, but... my experience? you'd be really surprised just how serious depression can get, including self harm at various levels - lack of hygene is fairly normal in depression, other forms of self harm are much more dangerous. She is doing it to herself... maybe not. Maybe the depression is doing it to her.

    She does need help. LOTS of help. But treating depression as though it is defiance is dangerous.

    And the orthodontist will tell you that stopping treatment mid-stream will end up costing a HUGE bundle.
     
  19. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    He was the one who said take them off when I explained what was going on and yes looking to treat depression
     
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ok, at least you have that one covered (ours said not to stop treatment under any circumstances, but our case may have been different)
     
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