Still More

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Jun 6, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    husband and I both thought we were to pick my parents up at the airport on Tues. We were told that husband was to drive because there isn't room in the vehicle for the kids and they didn't want to ask bro to leave his daughter IF it was his day to have her. Plus he works and husband is off work.

    Bro clearly called my mom. Then called my house about a dozen times. I heard what he wanted, and then called my parents to verify. They called back, and bro is picking them up - and his daughter (who is thank you's size though only 6) and her car seat will be going with him. Which means that Wiz will have to deal with her at the end of about 24 hours of travel. Poor Wiz. Even asking niece to not shout is taken as "being mean" if Wiz is doing it. Regardless of whether she is shrieking in his ear or not.

    We kept my dad's car because we were going to use it to pick them up. Have only used it ONE other time, for that matter.

    I told bro that the car would be returned, he wanted it by a special time so he can clean it. The dirt is just my dad's bank receipts. The only record he keeps of his banking, so I would not toss them. husband had planned to gas up the car just before he picked them up so they would have a mostly full tank when they got home, instead of under 1/2 a tank.

    I did tell bro that of course he would have to spend HOURS cleaning the car because I am to inconsiderate to return it with gas and surely would leave it full of fleas from my filthy dog. He started to curse and scream and I hung up. He then called my cell. I told him that his calls will not be answered, and his messages not listened to, and not to call my home.

    I should not have made the dig about the fleas, but sometimes my temper takes over. We have had to do a MAJOR whole house flea treatment after every time he comes over because his dog is always full of fleas. Dog usually tracks mud all over our home too. But that is different.

    The kids know the number. It comes up with my parents name because my parents pay his cell phone, as well as all his utilities. He was always getting his electric turned off for non-payment and it showed up on my parents credit report, so now they pay it because otherwise he would kill their credit (they own his home because he couldn't even afford a month rent, much less first and last and utility deposits. They also put him on their cell plan because he cannot get a plan of his own and he kept ranting about how expensive pay as you go plans are. He could not get approval from ANY of the cell companies for any plan.

    I did tell my dad I am sorry for anything we have done to upset or hurt him or mom, that I am sorry that I am such a bad daughter, wife and mother in my parents' eye. Dad clearly thinks this is a bunch of hooey, and that is good. He would say if he thought otherwise. One thing is sure with my Dad. If you ask his opinion you better WANT it, cause you will get it. It is a major reason bro takes his koi to mom. Dad would tell him off.

    I know things will be rough, but from this point it will be fine to just hang up the phone on him - IF we answer it. He told Jess to take the phone to me unless I was too cowardly to speak to him. He can phrase it that way. All he wants. Jess only answered because the number came up with my dad's name. That # is now blocked from my home phone. I can tell it is in place because I have had 3 messages come up on my cell in the last 10 mins.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    (((Susie))) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this emotional bullying. It must be so frustrating. Love, ML
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think you are making wise choices for yourself in cutting off contact with your brother. I belive you will find peace with this decision AND if you flat out explain to your Mom that you are not going to take anymore of his emotional blackmail, and truly for your health can not and will not hear about him whether it's her telling it or anyone else, stand your ground and then define your boundaries with everyone about it? You are going to be much more at peace, stop making excuses for living the way YOU want to or do - for whatever reason - Nunya - Know what I mean? - As far as Jess answering and him stating "If your Mother isn't a coward?" I would instruct Jess to be nothing. I would then take the phone and hang it up. That's not a choice for Jess to make-she's a child. It should be clear to both your children that phone calls of an abusive nature will be dealt with by the adults in the home. If you choose to hang up? Do so. Bravo. If he comes over I would have my course of action planned out. Do you call police, do you have a peace bond put out against him?
    I really wouldn't let anything else he says or does for the rest of my life bother me so much that I had a reaction to it ----He's a chaos junkie - and by arguing or fueling him with retorts? You are enabling him.

    When we are forgotten we cease to exist.....think about that as it pertains to your brother, and how it could enrich your life.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Excellent points, Star. Thanks. I have told Jess to let us do the hanging up. She says she just doesn't want to hear his voice. I have told her to screen calls and if she hears him to tell us. If she is home alone to just do what she is comfortable with.

    I did take time today to sit and really think about why it has taken me so long to end my relationship with him. Part of it is the way I was raised, to take his koi and often the blame for it. To put "family" ahead of my "petty personal problems" with another family member. I also looked at what his influence has done to my kids.

    I am ashamed of myself. I let childhood patterns influence what I knew was best for my kids. I let my mother, esp, sway me away from what I knew was best for my kids.

    I am not going to continue to be ashamed that I let him hurt my kids. Period. My parents will not ever cut ties - that is their right. I do not have to do what they do. My husband is even willing to move away from this town that he loves if it will get bro off our case. No amount of distance will do that. He would just show up with his child to stay with us for "a while".

    But we do not have to leave the home and town we love. He can move if it bugs him that much.

    husband reminded me that when he went to alanon a few years ago my mother got VERY angry. She was very insistent prior to that that his father was a raging alcoholic (he isn't) but as soon as husband went to alanon she was angry because "no one with alcohol problems affects YOU. Who do YOU have to deal with in alanon?" Being AWESOME my husband told her that the anonymous stood for not telling others what was said in meetings. Mom was livid that I would not then tell her what husband was working on in alanon.

    Right then we should have cut ties.. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Stick to your guns.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Gosh, Susie, with the exceptions of sexual molestation within the family and my bro trying to take my son from me when he hasn't been married much less have a clue how to raise a child, this is sounding more and more like my family all the time. I understand how you feel more than you might realize- not that it helps you any. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I think the ONLY thing you can do is distance yourself- when you have had good, trustworthy, competent counselors who know you and your story well tell you that, they are usually right on target. in my humble opinion, you might even want to consider Wiz coming back to live with you since he seems to be well past the point of posing any physical threat to you or anyone.