Still NC

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Jun 9, 2013.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    It's been over a week since I've heard from difficult child. A friend saw him (in a bar, of course) last Monday.

    I've tried not to look at his FB, etc. I did well until yesterday. difficult child has closed his twitter account where he publicly praised the benefits of pot, etc. His FB is private but I can see he is friending relatives of relatives along with an old AA sponsor, sober house roommates, etc. He is planning to visit the sober house where he was kicked out in the next month to see someone still there. Interesting that he updated his profile picture but it isn't one of him and bio dad. That's surprising to me.

    I know that looking isn't good for me and only allows him the chance to hurt me. I have asked two friends to look occasionally and tell me on a 'need to know' basis.

    I know I control nothing where difficult child is concerned. It's just I need to make sense of what I know so I can stop thinking about it.

    See if this sounds plausible - difficult child is cleaning up his image while acquiring new victims as well as people from the recovery community. He has steadfastly refused to have contact with a number of these 'new friends' over the years as they have treated him poorly, ignored him since birth or difficult child has blamed them for his troubles.

    I do not believe for a second he is on the right track. I believe he is setting the stage to take advantage of relatives and then, if that fails, return to one of the sober houses and begs for admission even though he is broke. Based on history, difficult child hasn't been able to hold it together more than 4 straight months before the wheels come off again. In the last years, he has lived in 6 places and had 7 jobs.

    I re-read my old journal starting with when difficult child first went into rehab early last year. It really helped me see consistent patterns of behavior and reinforced that my decision to stop supporting him was the best one. Funny how once difficult child realized the cash counter was closed, he found all these long-lost people. It appears cold and callous to me. But maybe, in his world, it is normal.

    I'd have better luck nailing Jello to a tree than getting difficult child on the right track. I know that. But, it's still an adjustment...very much like a death. The difference between this and death is that there is no ending You never know when things may change, if things may change - if there will be better - or worse.
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh honey, I am aching for you.

    I read your post, and I couldn't help but think of football. Both difficult child and pc16 play(ed) the same position-- Defensive End. One night at dinner, they were both relating to me that from the moment the ball is snapped, their eyes are darting, adrenalin pumping, as their mind is racing- "where's the ball?", "where's the ball?", "where's the ball?", until they figure out where the play will be and make sure they get there...(hopefully)

    i feel like you are playing defensive end right now...except you are wondering "where's difficult child going with this?" instead of "where's the ball". And boy do I relate to that!! Not that long ago, I posted a whole analogy to feeling like "The Catcher in the Rye." A need to be on high alert so that I could stay one step ahead difficult child at all times -- just so I could keep him from falling into the abyss, or so that I could be ready to strike with exactly the right help when he hit his bottom. So, I am absolutely not judging you. been there done that, have the tee shirt, and the battle wounds, worry lines and the gray hair et al.

    Except, that none of it turned out to be where I thought it was going. Both the good and the bad. I couldn't predict what was coming next no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't decipher his actions or find a pattern or any of that. Still can't. I can't speak for our board sisters, but I remember more than a few posts about bad indications- like suspicious phone records and (unfortunately) positive indications like-promising behavior- that lead us down the wrong trail. The only thing we know for certain about out difficult children, is that they will keep us guessing.

    So, tuck what you know in the back of your mind. thank you not to look for clues. You will only make yourself crazy. Take this NC as a welcome period of respite, you will likely need it someday. TAKE CARE OF YOU. Don't look forward or back, look inward if need be or better yet; just stop looking at all.

    If I had to guess? I'd say that your son is keeping all lines of communication and options open with everyone. He knows he isn't where he needs to be, and he is building bridges "just in case". Don't think of those ppl as potential victims, my guess is difficult child is reaffirming bonds with them as ports in a storm. He knows the storm is brewing. He just doesn't realize that he is the storm. I think he will eventually.

    Don't give up hope, just give up second guessing. It's time to be still. Just still, let it be. Just for now.

    Thinking warmly of you ...
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Thank you Sig...your words mean a lot to me.

    I first read about adult children of alcoholics (acoa) maybe 20 years ago. The book talked about how acoa learned hyper-vigilance. we had to. every time you opened that front door, you didn't know what you would find.

    It's the same with difficult children. You try to predict and prevent. Sure, sometimes that works but often it doesn't as we truly cannot come up with what they will do. Their actions are so far outside of range of probabilities it isn't even in the same universe some time.

    Thank you for reminding me of that.

    Everywhere I go, I look for him. Every thing brings up memories. Its a process.

    I'll remember your words and try to be still....thanks
  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    He went with bio dad Fri. Was to return Sun. He didn't. Roommate hasn't heard from him. He didn't take all his stuff. I'm assuming he has stayed there a while longer.

    Roommate said bio dad was talking to difficult child about joining the military. Guess he isn't aware that 2 rehab stays plus 4 misdemeanor convictions equals Uncle Sam won't take you. That's cause difficult child didn't tell him his history.

    Bio dad didn't want him when he was a precious infant. He didn't want him when he was 4 years old. He sure ain't gonna want a 19 year old with all these issues.
    Long talk with therapist. She isn't giving me much hope for difficult child. Not cause of substance issues but because of his continued manipulation and lack of remorse. He truly just doesn't care. For example, he told his employer a week or so ago the reason he missed work was to take me to my cancer treatments. Huh?!? That's news to me.

    She is recommending I not respond should difficult child contact me.

    Everyone keeps telling me to move on and take care of myself. Feels like a death without a body or funeral.