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Substance Abuse
Still on the downside of the track, need to vent.
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 31468" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SunnyFlorida</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> ...You could negotiate on the curfew. sounds like your difficult child is doing school well, how about a job? what if you don't pay the car insurance and demand he be gainfully employed? </p><p></p><p>Exactly what does difficult child want? is what he wants within the negotiating realms that you and wife want to deal with? </p><p></p><p>The problem I see with negotiating is that you won't win. difficult child is pushing away, wanting to be an adult, and acting like a child... </p><p></div></div></p><p></p><p>Exactly what difficult child's therapist said. He has a job, and so far has been able to pay for his car note, insurance, cell phone, and gas on his own (occasionally needs a loan, but always pays it back). Will probably have more money now that he quit cigs and pot (we hope, but then again nearly dying doesn't have much of an affect on teens the first time around :frown: )</p><p></p><p>What he wants is (a) privacy, (b) less intrusive parents, (c) to move to the basement, and (d) did I mention privacy?</p><p></p><p>He has a job, and has always done pretty well paying his own way. We're contemplating letting him move to the basement, but if so will use it to negotiate a solid, written agreement with real consequences and benefits. It's not a big space, but it would give him more privacy from the rest of the family (which most teens seem to need). It's also big enough for him to have a few friends over comfortably.</p><p></p><p>It's a big enough concession that we should be able to negotiate something good with him. Maybe giving him more private space will help him through the normal, teenage stuff, which <strong>may</strong> help with the difficult child issues (those two things seem to amplify one another, don't they?)</p><p></p><p>difficult child won't have anybody over because his room is small and there's no privacy. So he leaves whenever he feels like it to get away. Maybe giving him private space in the house will give him more reason to hang around instead of getting antsy and having to escape from the 'rents. And if he hang's around a bit more, we hope he'll act out a bit less (he's never abused or acted out while in the home - one rule he's never broken, so far).</p><p></p><p>If that works, at a minimum the difficult child issues should be a little easier to bear. wife and I have gotten to the point where we can tell if it's going to be a bad night when difficult child leaves. He gets antsy, calls anyone/everyone he can find to "hang with", then runs for the door like he has a demon on his tail. Bad, untreated ADD, and when he gets like that he usually has to escape, which then leads to some form of acting out. With his own space in the house, we're hoping he can escape to the basement instead of out the door.</p><p></p><p>Lots of maybe's, hopefullys, and possiblys. But all we can do is try. I think if the negotiation is handled right, though, and he buys into it, it could be good. The only promises he's made that he HASN'T kept deal with his curfew, his location when he's out on walkabout, and his substance abuse issues (not so bad there, he doesn't seem to care much if we know or not). He really wants the basement, and says he'll stay home more if he gets it.</p><p></p><p>So, what's the groupthink about this?</p><p></p><p>Thanks,</p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 31468, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SunnyFlorida</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> ...You could negotiate on the curfew. sounds like your difficult child is doing school well, how about a job? what if you don't pay the car insurance and demand he be gainfully employed? Exactly what does difficult child want? is what he wants within the negotiating realms that you and wife want to deal with? The problem I see with negotiating is that you won't win. difficult child is pushing away, wanting to be an adult, and acting like a child... </div></div> Exactly what difficult child's therapist said. He has a job, and so far has been able to pay for his car note, insurance, cell phone, and gas on his own (occasionally needs a loan, but always pays it back). Will probably have more money now that he quit cigs and pot (we hope, but then again nearly dying doesn't have much of an affect on teens the first time around [img]:frown:[/img] ) What he wants is (a) privacy, (b) less intrusive parents, (c) to move to the basement, and (d) did I mention privacy? He has a job, and has always done pretty well paying his own way. We're contemplating letting him move to the basement, but if so will use it to negotiate a solid, written agreement with real consequences and benefits. It's not a big space, but it would give him more privacy from the rest of the family (which most teens seem to need). It's also big enough for him to have a few friends over comfortably. It's a big enough concession that we should be able to negotiate something good with him. Maybe giving him more private space will help him through the normal, teenage stuff, which [b]may[/b] help with the difficult child issues (those two things seem to amplify one another, don't they?) difficult child won't have anybody over because his room is small and there's no privacy. So he leaves whenever he feels like it to get away. Maybe giving him private space in the house will give him more reason to hang around instead of getting antsy and having to escape from the 'rents. And if he hang's around a bit more, we hope he'll act out a bit less (he's never abused or acted out while in the home - one rule he's never broken, so far). If that works, at a minimum the difficult child issues should be a little easier to bear. wife and I have gotten to the point where we can tell if it's going to be a bad night when difficult child leaves. He gets antsy, calls anyone/everyone he can find to "hang with", then runs for the door like he has a demon on his tail. Bad, untreated ADD, and when he gets like that he usually has to escape, which then leads to some form of acting out. With his own space in the house, we're hoping he can escape to the basement instead of out the door. Lots of maybe's, hopefullys, and possiblys. But all we can do is try. I think if the negotiation is handled right, though, and he buys into it, it could be good. The only promises he's made that he HASN'T kept deal with his curfew, his location when he's out on walkabout, and his substance abuse issues (not so bad there, he doesn't seem to care much if we know or not). He really wants the basement, and says he'll stay home more if he gets it. So, what's the groupthink about this? Thanks, Mikey [/QUOTE]
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