Stinking thinking

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Feb 23, 2008.

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  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I am startiing a new post - stinking thinking - because that is what I have been doing! I think over and over about how I hate my son is in jail and how it is probably not going tohelp him and how he may be worse for the wear and how am I going to cope!!!!!!! I am going to try and go see him again today at the jail UGH!!!!! He hasnt written me in 3 weeks - maybe he doesnt NEED anything - but I just keep thinking the worse - he's depressed - suicidal - doing drugs - etc. But then my mind starts to tell me to work the steps instead and think of something else. This post sounds like a crazy person!!!!! Wish me luck.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wish you luck?

    I wish you wouldn't go.
  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    stands, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR THINKING! You actually believe anything you do will effect a change in him? If he hasn't written to you why would you go visit? Before you even think about him ask yourself if this will change anything? If it won't, move on to someone else you can help......Isn't life easier with his chaos out of the house? Think about that and know you deserve your life, not his........
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Honestly, I'd stay home. If difficult child isn't considerate enough to write, why should you go visit? The things you're worried about with him are decisions only he can make.

    I do something nice for myself instead. Let him stew. It won't hurt him a bit.

  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Stands, whether you go to see him or not, you are teaching your son how to treat you. If you go now, you may be teaching him that ignoring you and treating you with disrespect is what will work for him in the future.

    Is it difficult for him to keep contact with you? I mean, are they preventing it in some way? Then, going to see him is the correct course of action. But if he CAN make contact and is simply choosing not to, I think you might want to rethink this visit.

    Whatever we do when we don't know what to do where our children are concerned, we are usually left feeling that whatever we did (or decided not to do) was the wrong thing. It helped me to be prepared for those feelings.

    Label and refuse to allow them.

    If you have to do it ten times a minute, push the inappropriate feeling away.

    It helps me sometimes to say "I already thought that ~ already followed that thought to its conclusion. If I can come up with something helpful, I will think this again ~ but not now."

    There is nothing normal or good about parenting kids like ours. There are no right answers and most times, there are no rewards, no improvements in behavior, no welcoming smiles, for us.

    You aren't engaged in stinking thinking, Stands. You are thinking like any normal, loving mother would think who had not heard from her child in three weeks. What we need to remind ourselves is that our troubled children are not able to respond normally right now. We need to learn to change the nature of our expectations, or the pain will overwhelm us.

    Still, after three weeks, I would need to verify that my son was safe, too.

    If he is safe, then there is nothing more you can do at this point but hold faith that, crazy as it seems and whether we can make sense of it or not, things are working themselves out as they were meant to.

    Hang on, Stands.

    You are getting stronger and stronger, every day.

  6. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Whatever we do when we don't know what to do where our children are concerned, we are usually left feeling that whatever we did (or decided not to do) was the wrong thing. It helped me to be prepared for those feelings.

    Cedar, I don't mean to hijack this thread, just wanted to thank you for saying those words. That is exactly how I have felt, still feel, much of the time. It can really interfere with one's self-esteem as a parent! Thanks for voicing this so I know I am not in this boat alone!
  7. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Stands, sorry you're feeling this way again! It's so hard for us to stay strong in these hard moments. Go see him if it makes YOU feel better. DON'T go see him you think it'll make HIM feel better. Only go for YOU.
    One thing I've developed in my life is the question: How will I feel? If I do / don't do xyz? I try to look ahead and guage what will be my regret or happiness. I try to get out of the moment and shoot past it, see how I will feel afterwards.

  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well thanks for all the posts girls!!! I didnt go. I went with my easy child to get lunch and then time just got away. Of course he didnt want to go with me. I believe I will get up early in the morning and go see him. It is for me - not for him. I just want to ask him face to face why he hasnt written me and that I need to hear from him. What I think is that he is trading his envelopes, etc. for other things. I hate to think that but he doesnt realize what not hearing from him makes me feel like. I dont think they are not letting him talk to me on purpose - I just believe he has figured out that if mom wont bring me my Xanax or bail me out then what is the use.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He could be doing that or spending his canteen money on other things that are more important to him.

    See him if you want to. Right now I am taking an emotional vacation from Cory while his junk gets settled. Im letting his father deal with him. Cory is too good at making me feel badly for him. Maybe once we get all the legal junk settled and he actually has a sentence I will be able to deal with him more because he cant beg to get out then.
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand that! I did go see him today. It was a better visit. He said he did not have any envelopes to write me. I put $5.00 in his account and he said that was fine. He said he had written to a rehab and they said he could come there after he got out or was bailed out. He said he would mail me the letter. The program is only 8 weeks. Not long enough I dont think. He has not idea of a court date - he could be sitting there 6 - 9 months his lawyer said. My son said some of the inmates they didnt except for drug court went to prison. He said he didnt want to go there. He said the day he got arrested he had taken 10 loratab and snorted Xanax!! He said he was so out of it he doesnt even rememeber anything. He said he gave that kid loratab because he figured he owed it to him for giving him Xanax. It is all so crazy - I asked him dont you know that is a problem?!!!! He said he never should have hung out with the kid DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I felt better after seeing him and he actually didnt have an attitude. He is not working in the kitchen anymore. I asked him if he traded the fishing magazines and the book we sent and he said no he read them and wants another book by James Patterson. Who knows - I want to get my hopes up that he will do ok. I asked him if he realized that what he was doing could kill him - he just looked at me and shook his head yes. When I look at him eye to eye I see somewhere that child we raised that used to love the outdoors and has so much to offer - where has he gone? I want him back. I miss him.
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Stands, it sounds like he is beginning to see the consequences of his actions. That's good. But don't drop your guard. It's easy to see them act remorseful and forget what they've done. They can **** you back in so easily. I do know of a Christian halfway house in our state. PM me and I'll send you the details.
  12. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Everywoman - I couldnt send you a PM. It said you had blocked them. Maybe I did it wrong. Just let me know! Thanks!
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    well I went to Florida and it was wonderful. My easy child son and I went with my husband and we enjoyed ourselves. We went to Ft. Myers. It is beautful there. We discovered when we got back that the ministry man had been to see difficult child. It seems difficult child got accepted to the drug court and turned it down. He says he wants rehab. The ministry man advised him against drug court and that he could get him in a long term rehab. He alsos advised us to leave him in there another few weeks or so. He says everytime he sees him it seems he is more mature. I feel that the court doesnt even know when the court date will be. It seems that things are at least moving somewhat. Sometimes I am scared because it has been so long since I have had to deal with it. I bought the book Beautiful Boy. It is about a fathers journey through his sons addiction. It is good. The boy is still alive. That gave me hope. I did get a letter from my difficult child the other day. He was venting his frustration and anger at being there still. He wonders why we havent gotten him out when he says he wants to go to rehab. He had several four letter words to say about it. He also said the ministry man told him we could not allow him to come home even after the got out of rehab and he wasnt happy about that either. I tried to not let it get to me so I just put it out of my mind. He said his anger was not toward me but just built up frustration of still being there. I dont know what to think. My husband says it sounds the same as before. We will see. I am at my daughters tonight. Her husband is out of town. It is fun. Thanks for listening.
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Susan, your posts get lost when you add them to old threads. This is a new topic so it should start a new thread. I'll lock this so you can start a new one.

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