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Stopping Sassy/Backtalking
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<blockquote data-quote="Running_for_the_shelter" data-source="post: 437574" data-attributes="member: 2960"><p>I had to laugh -- when my son was angry, he would stick his two fingers in his mouth, sort of pry it open, and yell. My sister says I used to do something weird with my mouth, too, when I was little. [Yeah, I'm a difficult child that actually managed to live to adulthood.] It bugged the daylights out of me. Punishment didn't work, as you probably guessed, and I was d***ed if I was going to reward him for NOT doing that stupid thing with his mouth, so I can't comment on the positive reinforcement thing. Some things I am capable of, some things, I am not.</p><p></p><p>What worked? Well, he still does it, so, no, I never got that to stop completely. BUT .. he doesn't do it very often anymore (he mostly found better ways to express himself) and I found enough coping tools that we all survived. Here's what I did and didn't do -- maybe something will work for you. </p><p></p><p>First, I kept telling myself, "He's doing the best he can. He didn't choose to be this way." </p><p>Second, I tried viewing this as his way of releasing his anger. I believe my son would literally lose his language skills when he got angry. "Use your words" was a meaningful a command as "Divide 5487 by 29 in your head". </p><p>Imitating him was risky at best -- on occasion, he would laugh, but mostly he would just be enraged. </p><p>Ignoring the behavior didn't help -- he really was communicating in some odd way, and no one likes to be ignored. </p><p>I didn't bother trying to punish him for making the face -- I figured I'd better try to fry the bigger fish. Maintaining a neutral face and trying to deal with the actual problem at hand got me farther.</p><p></p><p>When my son is angry, there is no point in telling him not to do something or punishing him for it -- he's not in a receptive frame of mind. If I really want something to change, I first talk to him when he is calm. Something like "Honey, I know you get angry when I'm telling you something you don't like, but that thing you do with your mouth is really rude. Doing that isn't going to get you anything you want. What can you do instead?" hardly works when he's 10, but certainly didn't work when he was 7. I had to create his options for him (basically, keep quiet if you can't walk away). Then, when it was going to happen again, I could step in really quickly and say, "Make a good choice, son. Remember that the face doesn't get you anywhere. Just walk away" or whatever. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I let him get the last word, usually something like "No one CARES what you think!" as he walks to his room. I would also periodically tell the kids, "I am the source of all good things. Play my game, you get good stuff. **** me off, and your life's not so good. Make a good choice." Yes, there would be rages when I would say something like, "No, we are not going to the store today. You threw three hissy fits and I'm not risking a hissy fit in the store. See? That face is why you aren't going to the store today. Maybe you can make a better choice tomorrow." I didn't look at that as a punishment, but as a natural consequence of throwing fits. Losing an allowance doesn't seem like a natural consequence. However, refusing to go to a store to avoid risking dealing with a hissy fit there when hissy fits have been thrown that day does seem more natural. I don't know if that makes sense, but it did when I was a little difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. I get more backtalk from easy child now than difficult child and I really just want to smack that look off her face. Then I tell myself, God created teenagers (she's a teenager in training at 12 1/2) so that we aren't sorry when they leave.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Running_for_the_shelter, post: 437574, member: 2960"] I had to laugh -- when my son was angry, he would stick his two fingers in his mouth, sort of pry it open, and yell. My sister says I used to do something weird with my mouth, too, when I was little. [Yeah, I'm a difficult child that actually managed to live to adulthood.] It bugged the daylights out of me. Punishment didn't work, as you probably guessed, and I was d***ed if I was going to reward him for NOT doing that stupid thing with his mouth, so I can't comment on the positive reinforcement thing. Some things I am capable of, some things, I am not. What worked? Well, he still does it, so, no, I never got that to stop completely. BUT .. he doesn't do it very often anymore (he mostly found better ways to express himself) and I found enough coping tools that we all survived. Here's what I did and didn't do -- maybe something will work for you. First, I kept telling myself, "He's doing the best he can. He didn't choose to be this way." Second, I tried viewing this as his way of releasing his anger. I believe my son would literally lose his language skills when he got angry. "Use your words" was a meaningful a command as "Divide 5487 by 29 in your head". Imitating him was risky at best -- on occasion, he would laugh, but mostly he would just be enraged. Ignoring the behavior didn't help -- he really was communicating in some odd way, and no one likes to be ignored. I didn't bother trying to punish him for making the face -- I figured I'd better try to fry the bigger fish. Maintaining a neutral face and trying to deal with the actual problem at hand got me farther. When my son is angry, there is no point in telling him not to do something or punishing him for it -- he's not in a receptive frame of mind. If I really want something to change, I first talk to him when he is calm. Something like "Honey, I know you get angry when I'm telling you something you don't like, but that thing you do with your mouth is really rude. Doing that isn't going to get you anything you want. What can you do instead?" hardly works when he's 10, but certainly didn't work when he was 7. I had to create his options for him (basically, keep quiet if you can't walk away). Then, when it was going to happen again, I could step in really quickly and say, "Make a good choice, son. Remember that the face doesn't get you anywhere. Just walk away" or whatever. Yes, I let him get the last word, usually something like "No one CARES what you think!" as he walks to his room. I would also periodically tell the kids, "I am the source of all good things. Play my game, you get good stuff. **** me off, and your life's not so good. Make a good choice." Yes, there would be rages when I would say something like, "No, we are not going to the store today. You threw three hissy fits and I'm not risking a hissy fit in the store. See? That face is why you aren't going to the store today. Maybe you can make a better choice tomorrow." I didn't look at that as a punishment, but as a natural consequence of throwing fits. Losing an allowance doesn't seem like a natural consequence. However, refusing to go to a store to avoid risking dealing with a hissy fit there when hissy fits have been thrown that day does seem more natural. I don't know if that makes sense, but it did when I was a little difficult child. Good luck. I get more backtalk from easy child now than difficult child and I really just want to smack that look off her face. Then I tell myself, God created teenagers (she's a teenager in training at 12 1/2) so that we aren't sorry when they leave. [/QUOTE]
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