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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 655058" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>When I adopted my son he went immediately to language therapy, a behavioral nursery school, psychotherapy and a neuropsychologist evaluation at a major Children's Hospital. My son got his first IEP in his kindergarten year.</p><p></p><p>I was not in denial about the fact there were developmental issues....I knew for example he had problems with sequencing and planning....But language delays he conquered immediately....for example....and he was responsive to psychotherapy.</p><p></p><p>Was it wrong to have the hope that he would develop despite early limits? Was it wrong for me to expose him to new and potentially interesting things? The question is this: who knows from these early years and assessments...how life will play out? </p><p></p><p>And my needs were in the picture, for me, as well. I needed to live in a way that sustained me, as well as my son.</p><p></p><p>He has always struggled with anxiety...and lately body image issues...and depression. Is he mentally ill? I...do not get a vote. </p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say is pretty much the same as SWOT. Parental expectations and situations may mesh well for the child...or not. The important thing for me is recognizing WHEN I am imposing on my child views and wants that make his situation harder and get in the way of his figuring things out.</p><p></p><p>I can certainly live without his going to college. Harder is that he DO NOTHING IN THIS LIFE that gives him pleasure, self esteem, meaning, focus, a social group in which he feels he fits.</p><p></p><p>But I see him finding his way. Do I love it that he lives in a house full of drug users and recovering drug users? No. Do I like it that he is off the street? Yes. Do I get a vote? No.</p><p></p><p>Pushing him towards college is a mistake, at this point. I know that. I did so, in part, because his interests and talents---seem to be academic. Besides being multilingual he read philosophy, studied culture, religion and linguistics....goes to the library to read physics books. But I see now that I was very wrong to push him.</p><p></p><p>He may NEVER have the necessary organizational skills and motivation to go back to college, and he may already know it.</p><p></p><p>I CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT be part of the decision making process in his life, except in a very limited way: By listening and reflecting back his process as he evaluates his choices. His growth will come from bulking up his planning and decision-making muscles...which could well be compromised due to his birth legacy. Impaired or not, he CAN and must learn to live responsibly and with responsibility. What alternative is there?</p><p></p><p>But I well-know that my support NOW is made more difficult because of my past errors. He never doubts my love. He is sometimes suspicious of my motives.</p><p></p><p>I was reading about the singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen, now 80, who has been in his life a notorious ladies man. He talks about his current attitude about love...that allows mistakes...and does not see a mistake as the last thing....in a relationship or even...a life.</p><p></p><p>That is where I want to be about my son...and myself....An idea of love that allows for our humanity, not perfection....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 655058, member: 18958"] When I adopted my son he went immediately to language therapy, a behavioral nursery school, psychotherapy and a neuropsychologist evaluation at a major Children's Hospital. My son got his first IEP in his kindergarten year. I was not in denial about the fact there were developmental issues....I knew for example he had problems with sequencing and planning....But language delays he conquered immediately....for example....and he was responsive to psychotherapy. Was it wrong to have the hope that he would develop despite early limits? Was it wrong for me to expose him to new and potentially interesting things? The question is this: who knows from these early years and assessments...how life will play out? And my needs were in the picture, for me, as well. I needed to live in a way that sustained me, as well as my son. He has always struggled with anxiety...and lately body image issues...and depression. Is he mentally ill? I...do not get a vote. What I am trying to say is pretty much the same as SWOT. Parental expectations and situations may mesh well for the child...or not. The important thing for me is recognizing WHEN I am imposing on my child views and wants that make his situation harder and get in the way of his figuring things out. I can certainly live without his going to college. Harder is that he DO NOTHING IN THIS LIFE that gives him pleasure, self esteem, meaning, focus, a social group in which he feels he fits. But I see him finding his way. Do I love it that he lives in a house full of drug users and recovering drug users? No. Do I like it that he is off the street? Yes. Do I get a vote? No. Pushing him towards college is a mistake, at this point. I know that. I did so, in part, because his interests and talents---seem to be academic. Besides being multilingual he read philosophy, studied culture, religion and linguistics....goes to the library to read physics books. But I see now that I was very wrong to push him. He may NEVER have the necessary organizational skills and motivation to go back to college, and he may already know it. I CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT be part of the decision making process in his life, except in a very limited way: By listening and reflecting back his process as he evaluates his choices. His growth will come from bulking up his planning and decision-making muscles...which could well be compromised due to his birth legacy. Impaired or not, he CAN and must learn to live responsibly and with responsibility. What alternative is there? But I well-know that my support NOW is made more difficult because of my past errors. He never doubts my love. He is sometimes suspicious of my motives. I was reading about the singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen, now 80, who has been in his life a notorious ladies man. He talks about his current attitude about love...that allows mistakes...and does not see a mistake as the last thing....in a relationship or even...a life. That is where I want to be about my son...and myself....An idea of love that allows for our humanity, not perfection.... [/QUOTE]
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