Stuck in the middle

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by happymomof2, Nov 6, 2008.

  1. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Hi All, haven't been on for a while. difficult child is doing well. Out of self contained and keeping his grades up. Got one C on last report card the rest are A's and B's. He is shooting for all A's and B's the next 9 weeks.

    Here is where I am at in all this and I know many of you can relate. Not sure what I am looking for here, maybe just some support. I feel stuck in the middle between my difficult child and his dad. His dad and I are married and both my kids are his. We have been married for 15 years. He is the disciplanarian of the home, I am as well. But to me it seems the only thing he does is discipline. He doesn't balance it out with love and attention. I know I am the mom and I am the nurturing one. difficult child is asking me to do something about dad, dad doesn't seem to have a nice word for difficult child. I love them both. I am having a hard time talking to dad about all this. Everytime I bring it up he says I am too soft on difficult child.

    difficult child's girlfriend moved away - a whole 10 minutes by car but they can't see each other as much as they use to. Now he is wanting them to spend even less time together. I don't get it. She is a good girl, difficult child is good when she is around. She is good for him. When she is around he isn't getting into trouble. He is doing so much better.

    I just feel in the middle and don't know what to do. Yea in a perfect world counseling would be great but we don't have insurance and I doubt very seriously that dad would even go and difficult child said he doesn't want to have to see any more counselors.

    Could Dad be jealous of relationship between me and difficult child? We have always been close and he talks to me about everything. He won't talk to his dad because his dad won't talk to him. Dad blames his lack of relationship abilities on his own dad. Give me a break. It's not my fault he hasn't tried to have a relationship with his son.

    Thanks for listening
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    There is a book called Love and Logic Parenting for Teens, or something about Love and Logic Parenting with Teens in the title. It is a method of parenting that stresses logical, natural consequences AND strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. Sorry I don't have the title right. There are a lot of L&L books, but the one for teens would be the best fit for you and your husband.

    I found that this made sense to my husband (who doesn't have much relationship with our difficult child either) so he was/is willing to go along with it. Many moms I know have said the same thing about their husband's, they are willing to use it because it makes sense to them, as opposed to some other books.

    Even if YOU read it and then just talk about it with your husband he may get some ideas/help on this topic.

    They have a website ( www.loveandlogic.com ) that I find very helpful. I even read/listen to the stuff for teachers because I find it helpful.
     
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Happy,

    glad you checked back in - sometimes we do need to step back from the site if things are going well. Great news on his grades.

    The Love and Logic information Susie gave you sound good - I've not read them, but I may go check out the website.

    My children's father is not an "emotional" parent either. He loves them, he is affectionate with them, but they don't feel the bond with him that they feel with me. Like your son, my two don't really talk to their dad about anything but "surface" stuff, if you know what I mean.

    I hope you have more luck "tunning him in" that I have. I feel like he will regret not having a great relationship with his kids later - but the time to begin is always today. My kids are 18 and 13 - I'm thinking they are getting a little old for him to start. But..........you never know, maybe it's never to late to try.

    Sharon
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are not responsible for the relationship between your son and your husband. You can suggest. He will either take action or not.

    The problem you mention seems to be about seeing the girlfriend. I think if you ask husband why he does not want them to see each other as much, you might start to figure out how to better talk to him about things with difficult child. Getting some insight might help you.

    You would be surprised at the thought process sometimes.
     
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