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Substitute teacher holds difficult child's past against him
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 217745" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>What really cheese me off with people like this (they could be teachers or not; full-time, part-time or subs) is that they DO NOT treat the kids with respect, but do require to be treated with respect. They also change the definition of "respect" depending on who they're dealing with.</p><p></p><p>Go back and re-read what she said to you and how you spoke to her. Play it over again in your mind. Now mentally put her age back a few decades so she is 10 years old, and put yourself in a position of authority (maybe in her shoes as she is now). How would she, the teacher she is today, have responded to her attitude and words coming form a ten year old?</p><p></p><p>In other words, how true to her own standards is she?</p><p></p><p>What we so often fail to understand (and people like her are the worst) is that if there is the slightest amount of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in a kid, they do not cope with double standars like this in behaviour. It is confusing. The kids get angry because it feels like there are different (and unfair) rules for different people. The adult in the interactions puts a ridiculously high premium on "respect" as shown to the adult) and zero on respect as shown by them to the child.</p><p></p><p>With kids like ours, they need to have respect modelled for them by the adults in their life.</p><p></p><p>We also should not be quick to accuse the kids of disrespect when in fact the problem is anxiety, or panic. Can you imagine the scene as follows:</p><p>A traffic accident, the driver of the car that got rear-ended is dazed and afraid. She bumped her head and is bleeding from the temple. She may have a broken arm. The driver of the rear car is unconscious. The ambulance is there. The police arrive and go to speak to the woman in the front car.</p><p></p><p>Cop: Ma'am, can you tell me what happened?</p><p></p><p>Injured driver: I saw the light was orange and turning to red so I stopped. But the car behind didn't, it was going so fast, OMG it was so scary, I don't know what I'm going to tell my husband, why do idiots like that drive so fast, what am I going to do? I'm bleeding, I have to be in a meeting, I have to pick my kids up from school... [begins to really panic - she is in shock]</p><p></p><p>Now, the cop SHOULD say to her, "Calm down, you did nothing wrong as far as I can see. You've had a bad shock, I'll get the paramedics to check you over as soon as they've loaded the unconscious driver for transport. They will have radioed for back-up."</p><p></p><p>What a cop might say, who thinks like your sub - "Snap out of it, woman! Stop talking to me like I'm a naughty child, don't you use bad language, I won't stand for it! Now, I'm running out of patience but I'll give you one more chance. Speak more slowly this time, I can't understand when you gabble your words, I have better things I could be doing than listening to you if you can't be polite to me."</p><p></p><p>What some adults fail to understand - a lot of difficult children are feeling the same sort of panic, as the woman in my example. All The. Time. And especially when they have to talk to an adult who they know has been hostile in the past.</p><p></p><p>To speak harshly or aggressively when panicked, is NOT rudeness or disrespect, even though it may seem so. You should never try to correct it while the person is in panic; you also need to try to not 'answer' the panic with aggression or panic on your part; instead, try to gently hose it down. Maybe at a later time, you can address anything inappropriate that was said.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 was shouting at me one night (a dispute over homework). He yelled at me, "I hate you!"</p><p>I chose to not react at all. I certainly didn't punish him for his words because I knew a punishment at that time would have NO effect at all, except maybe to make him worse.</p><p></p><p>What I did was FAR more effective - I waited until I was dropping him off at school next day. He gave me his usual hug and "I love you, Mum."</p><p>I THEN gently reminded him, "That's not what you said to me last night. Last night you said you hated me."</p><p>He hung his head and said, "I'm sorry, Mum. I was angry. I shouldn't have said it."</p><p>I said, "I'm sorry too, darling. I understand you were angry, but you still shouldn't say things like that even when you're angry. Because some words are so very easy to say, but very hard to un-say them."</p><p></p><p>That got the message home to him, loud and clear. Of course there were still times when he said he hated me, but fewer times and he was increasingly remorseful afterwards, with no reminded needed.</p><p></p><p>As for this sub - two things you can do.</p><p></p><p>1) Keep nagging the school to have it in his IEP - if there is to be a sub, he needs to be forewarned, preferably 12 hours. Five minutes is not forewarned, it's a blindside. An ambush. If necessary, insist that if this woman is to be the sub for his class, you have to be given enough notice to make alternative arrangements for him for school that day because she is NOT to teach him. If necessary, make it clear tat you are not making a formal complaint about her ("I choose not to at this time") but your son is the Special Needs child in this, he is the one who needs the special consideration in the equation. The sub is a big girl; she can look after herself. Sometimes these personality differences happen but the sub will get over it. Your difficult child will not get over it so easily, it can really set back his good progress.</p><p></p><p>2) Keep the sub on her toes by letting her know constantly that you are vigilant, you are watching, you are a paranoid, nasty person who will ALWAYS put the worst possible construction on whatever she says, so she'd better watch her step. She had better not give you the slightest chance to make a formal complaint, because you have the paperwork sitting in your "in" tray ready and waiting for the opportunity...</p><p></p><p>Or possibly gentler words, to the same effect.</p><p></p><p>I had to do this with the local school when I feared my past activism was going to come back and bite me, in the possible discrimination against my other kids. So I said the same sort of thing - "You know I can get things done, you know I have used my political contacts to get my own way. So please be aware - if I even suspect you are taking any of your frustration with me, out on my kids, I will automatically issue it to be a personal attack on me and I will use every contact and resource I have, to let you know how unhappy I am about this."</p><p></p><p>I never had a problem with them from then on.</p><p></p><p>Andy, you're probably far too nice to do what I did. Take what you feel you can use.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 217745, member: 1991"] What really cheese me off with people like this (they could be teachers or not; full-time, part-time or subs) is that they DO NOT treat the kids with respect, but do require to be treated with respect. They also change the definition of "respect" depending on who they're dealing with. Go back and re-read what she said to you and how you spoke to her. Play it over again in your mind. Now mentally put her age back a few decades so she is 10 years old, and put yourself in a position of authority (maybe in her shoes as she is now). How would she, the teacher she is today, have responded to her attitude and words coming form a ten year old? In other words, how true to her own standards is she? What we so often fail to understand (and people like her are the worst) is that if there is the slightest amount of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in a kid, they do not cope with double standars like this in behaviour. It is confusing. The kids get angry because it feels like there are different (and unfair) rules for different people. The adult in the interactions puts a ridiculously high premium on "respect" as shown to the adult) and zero on respect as shown by them to the child. With kids like ours, they need to have respect modelled for them by the adults in their life. We also should not be quick to accuse the kids of disrespect when in fact the problem is anxiety, or panic. Can you imagine the scene as follows: A traffic accident, the driver of the car that got rear-ended is dazed and afraid. She bumped her head and is bleeding from the temple. She may have a broken arm. The driver of the rear car is unconscious. The ambulance is there. The police arrive and go to speak to the woman in the front car. Cop: Ma'am, can you tell me what happened? Injured driver: I saw the light was orange and turning to red so I stopped. But the car behind didn't, it was going so fast, OMG it was so scary, I don't know what I'm going to tell my husband, why do idiots like that drive so fast, what am I going to do? I'm bleeding, I have to be in a meeting, I have to pick my kids up from school... [begins to really panic - she is in shock] Now, the cop SHOULD say to her, "Calm down, you did nothing wrong as far as I can see. You've had a bad shock, I'll get the paramedics to check you over as soon as they've loaded the unconscious driver for transport. They will have radioed for back-up." What a cop might say, who thinks like your sub - "Snap out of it, woman! Stop talking to me like I'm a naughty child, don't you use bad language, I won't stand for it! Now, I'm running out of patience but I'll give you one more chance. Speak more slowly this time, I can't understand when you gabble your words, I have better things I could be doing than listening to you if you can't be polite to me." What some adults fail to understand - a lot of difficult children are feeling the same sort of panic, as the woman in my example. All The. Time. And especially when they have to talk to an adult who they know has been hostile in the past. To speak harshly or aggressively when panicked, is NOT rudeness or disrespect, even though it may seem so. You should never try to correct it while the person is in panic; you also need to try to not 'answer' the panic with aggression or panic on your part; instead, try to gently hose it down. Maybe at a later time, you can address anything inappropriate that was said. difficult child 3 was shouting at me one night (a dispute over homework). He yelled at me, "I hate you!" I chose to not react at all. I certainly didn't punish him for his words because I knew a punishment at that time would have NO effect at all, except maybe to make him worse. What I did was FAR more effective - I waited until I was dropping him off at school next day. He gave me his usual hug and "I love you, Mum." I THEN gently reminded him, "That's not what you said to me last night. Last night you said you hated me." He hung his head and said, "I'm sorry, Mum. I was angry. I shouldn't have said it." I said, "I'm sorry too, darling. I understand you were angry, but you still shouldn't say things like that even when you're angry. Because some words are so very easy to say, but very hard to un-say them." That got the message home to him, loud and clear. Of course there were still times when he said he hated me, but fewer times and he was increasingly remorseful afterwards, with no reminded needed. As for this sub - two things you can do. 1) Keep nagging the school to have it in his IEP - if there is to be a sub, he needs to be forewarned, preferably 12 hours. Five minutes is not forewarned, it's a blindside. An ambush. If necessary, insist that if this woman is to be the sub for his class, you have to be given enough notice to make alternative arrangements for him for school that day because she is NOT to teach him. If necessary, make it clear tat you are not making a formal complaint about her ("I choose not to at this time") but your son is the Special Needs child in this, he is the one who needs the special consideration in the equation. The sub is a big girl; she can look after herself. Sometimes these personality differences happen but the sub will get over it. Your difficult child will not get over it so easily, it can really set back his good progress. 2) Keep the sub on her toes by letting her know constantly that you are vigilant, you are watching, you are a paranoid, nasty person who will ALWAYS put the worst possible construction on whatever she says, so she'd better watch her step. She had better not give you the slightest chance to make a formal complaint, because you have the paperwork sitting in your "in" tray ready and waiting for the opportunity... Or possibly gentler words, to the same effect. I had to do this with the local school when I feared my past activism was going to come back and bite me, in the possible discrimination against my other kids. So I said the same sort of thing - "You know I can get things done, you know I have used my political contacts to get my own way. So please be aware - if I even suspect you are taking any of your frustration with me, out on my kids, I will automatically issue it to be a personal attack on me and I will use every contact and resource I have, to let you know how unhappy I am about this." I never had a problem with them from then on. Andy, you're probably far too nice to do what I did. Take what you feel you can use. Marg [/QUOTE]
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