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Such a Newbie... in so many ways...
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<blockquote data-quote="Jewlz0113" data-source="post: 442106" data-attributes="member: 12298"><p>Thank you all for your feedback... I know my situation is a little different and am trying to keep that in mind. Because he is not my child, I am presented with my own set of challenges.</p><p></p><p>A little background that may help... his behavior is rather typical ODD (from what I've been reading here). He's better when he takes his Vyvance. He's able to keep a little better control of it and stay more focused. One day he could be absolutely fine - follow direction without complaint, even do things and follow the rules without being prompted. And then the next he'll dig his heels in and insist that he's the boss and will listen to no one. He has a mouth on him - he just doesn't know enough to stop talking (got to have the last word) that absolutely infuriates his father. He's learned the art of manipulation and tries to get away with it as often as he can. </p><p></p><p>As far as my role as his stepmother - I understand and appreciate the advice of stepping back. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to be able to be completely hands-off. He is with me more than his own mother (who is not the BM). He'd, in fact, rather stay with us than visit with her. And quite frankly, she's not got much interest in seeing him every other weekend, either. There have been many times she's begged off for "valid" reasons ("He's sick and I don't want him getting his sister sick so perhaps he shouldn't come this weekend." "I'm sick/his sister's sick and I don't want to get him sick." "His sister and I will be out of town and I don't want him missing school" (but his sister can miss? don't understand that one) Etc.). Mom and SDS do not get along - she doesn't really know how to handle him (nor does she care to learn, it seems) and he takes advantage of that. He's said to his father on more than one occasion that he feels more loved by me than he does her and wishes I were his mom. </p><p></p><p>Counseling has been a bit tricky... He has not requested that I go to any of his counseling sessions. HE hates going to them (naturally). husband has only been to a few of them (Mom has taken him most of the time) as he believes they aren't helping. Mom does not walk into the sessions with the right frame of mind. She basically takes him, drops him in the counselors office and says, "Fix him" and walks away. According to SDS, she does not stay with him during the session. husband has stayed with him during what sessions he's attended, but says he's hearing the same thing he's heard before. (This is the third or fourth counselor she's taken him to. The others "didn't work".) As far as I know, the counselor knows little about me and the role I play. I would LOVE to go in and talk with him if for no other reason than to find out what I should do/not do to help in this little boy's development because I'm clueless. The last thing in the world I want is for my well-meaning behavior to be harmful to him!</p><p></p><p>The most stability SDS has felt has been in the last 2 1/2 years. My husband and I provide for him the structure he needs. We both love him dearly and do what we can to ensure he's getting what's best for him. That, unfortunately, is where I struggle. I know how to handle "normal" kids. I know what works and what are reasonable expectations. I'm concerned that I'm being unfair to both SDS and husband, though, if I expect of SDS the same as far as his behavior and consequences as I do of my easy child. (I run a pretty tight ship and I'll admit my expectations of my children are a little higher than the average parent. Not unreasonable, mind you, but definitely higher.) I'm also afraid that if I DON'T have the same expectations that it may create some negative feelings between the children. Mine have already indicated that SDS seems to be able to "get away with" more than they are. It's that whole choose-your-battles game husband and I play with SDS. Some fights are worth fighting while others... I've tried explaining things to them and I think they're starting to understand, but I know it will be a conversation I will have several more times.</p><p></p><p>So, my hope is, as I said before, that I can glean from you how one parents a difficult child. What are realistic expectations and what are not. What works and what doesn't. I've already felt validated in some things just reading about some of the stories and how you, as a parent, have dealt with the behavior. I've also been put in my place, so to speak, on other things and realize my expectations are a little out of line. What a wealth of information I'm getting from you all... <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Thank you for listening... it's nice to have someplace to go for some REAL advice. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jewlz0113, post: 442106, member: 12298"] Thank you all for your feedback... I know my situation is a little different and am trying to keep that in mind. Because he is not my child, I am presented with my own set of challenges. A little background that may help... his behavior is rather typical ODD (from what I've been reading here). He's better when he takes his Vyvance. He's able to keep a little better control of it and stay more focused. One day he could be absolutely fine - follow direction without complaint, even do things and follow the rules without being prompted. And then the next he'll dig his heels in and insist that he's the boss and will listen to no one. He has a mouth on him - he just doesn't know enough to stop talking (got to have the last word) that absolutely infuriates his father. He's learned the art of manipulation and tries to get away with it as often as he can. As far as my role as his stepmother - I understand and appreciate the advice of stepping back. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to be able to be completely hands-off. He is with me more than his own mother (who is not the BM). He'd, in fact, rather stay with us than visit with her. And quite frankly, she's not got much interest in seeing him every other weekend, either. There have been many times she's begged off for "valid" reasons ("He's sick and I don't want him getting his sister sick so perhaps he shouldn't come this weekend." "I'm sick/his sister's sick and I don't want to get him sick." "His sister and I will be out of town and I don't want him missing school" (but his sister can miss? don't understand that one) Etc.). Mom and SDS do not get along - she doesn't really know how to handle him (nor does she care to learn, it seems) and he takes advantage of that. He's said to his father on more than one occasion that he feels more loved by me than he does her and wishes I were his mom. Counseling has been a bit tricky... He has not requested that I go to any of his counseling sessions. HE hates going to them (naturally). husband has only been to a few of them (Mom has taken him most of the time) as he believes they aren't helping. Mom does not walk into the sessions with the right frame of mind. She basically takes him, drops him in the counselors office and says, "Fix him" and walks away. According to SDS, she does not stay with him during the session. husband has stayed with him during what sessions he's attended, but says he's hearing the same thing he's heard before. (This is the third or fourth counselor she's taken him to. The others "didn't work".) As far as I know, the counselor knows little about me and the role I play. I would LOVE to go in and talk with him if for no other reason than to find out what I should do/not do to help in this little boy's development because I'm clueless. The last thing in the world I want is for my well-meaning behavior to be harmful to him! The most stability SDS has felt has been in the last 2 1/2 years. My husband and I provide for him the structure he needs. We both love him dearly and do what we can to ensure he's getting what's best for him. That, unfortunately, is where I struggle. I know how to handle "normal" kids. I know what works and what are reasonable expectations. I'm concerned that I'm being unfair to both SDS and husband, though, if I expect of SDS the same as far as his behavior and consequences as I do of my easy child. (I run a pretty tight ship and I'll admit my expectations of my children are a little higher than the average parent. Not unreasonable, mind you, but definitely higher.) I'm also afraid that if I DON'T have the same expectations that it may create some negative feelings between the children. Mine have already indicated that SDS seems to be able to "get away with" more than they are. It's that whole choose-your-battles game husband and I play with SDS. Some fights are worth fighting while others... I've tried explaining things to them and I think they're starting to understand, but I know it will be a conversation I will have several more times. So, my hope is, as I said before, that I can glean from you how one parents a difficult child. What are realistic expectations and what are not. What works and what doesn't. I've already felt validated in some things just reading about some of the stories and how you, as a parent, have dealt with the behavior. I've also been put in my place, so to speak, on other things and realize my expectations are a little out of line. What a wealth of information I'm getting from you all... :) Thank you for listening... it's nice to have someplace to go for some REAL advice. :) [/QUOTE]
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