suggestions for making it thru Mother's day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, May 4, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know this is a tough subject

    I want to get thru this one without difficult child and still be sane the next day.

    If it was tomorrow I think I could handle it, but with the constant advertising the countdown of mother's day, I just want to be smart enough to plan ahead so I can deal with this.

    What do you all do?
     
  2. judi

    judi Active Member

    I try desperately to forget that my son won't remember or care to celebrate. However, easy child older son will bring me flowers - always does! I do have to remember that somehow older son turned into a great young man and difficult child still has the potential if he only applies himself.
     
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>This year easy child and husband will be away and difficult child is working. I think I will do something nice for myself. It's just a day in the end.
    Make the day special for yourself. Go to the movies with a friend or your own mother.</span>
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Usually I worry about what I'm going to buy mother in law for mother's day. lmao (God forbid husband think to do it) This year I picked her up some wonderful products from Bath and Body Works. (outlet malls are wonderful places lol)

    I think I'll send my Mom a nice bouquet of flowers. She won't be expecting it so it will be a nice surprise.

    I don't worry about mother's day for myself. My kids always acknowledge the day in some way, even if it's a handmade card and a hug. What they don't know is I don't really care one way or the other. lol I'm not big on the holiday.

    If you think you're going to have trouble with it, why don't you treat yourself to a day of shopping and pampering, or go to a movie and out to dinner?
     
  5. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    I've always tried to remember, even when my son was home, that this is a "manufactured" holiday, probably designed to sell cards or gifts, and is in no way a gauge of how much our children love or care about us.

    That said, I have always celebrated this day with my own mother...
     
  6. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    All holidays are so impossibly hard.

    Knowing in advance that there is nothing I can do to change that "marker of doom" feeling (because the thing is, it's the second or third Mother's Day since things were okay, or it's the third Chrismas or New Year's since things were okay ~ so every holiday, every marker, is somehow worse than the last one, when you hoped things would be better next year).

    So, this is what I did.

    And it helped me.

    I bought a card. It is a birthday card for a son. You know the kind. The front is filled with pictures of a boy's sprung tennis shoes and car keys and sports equipment. And I never sent it. It is my card. It makes me sad to see it and understand how everything came out ~ but at the same time, it somehow names the feeling.

    And when I put it away again, that feeling, that "marker of doom" feeling, goes with it.

    What I feel then is regret, instead of that overwhelming whatever it is that this feels like most of the time.

    I am sorry this is happening, hearthope.

    It might help too if you map out the day.

    You know ~ first I will do this, then I will do that, then that.

    There are still some days for me that I need to get through that way. The goal is the safety of my own bed, when I know the stupid, hurtful day is over.

    (Oh, Suz ~ I just know you are going to have something to say about that one! :redface:)

    Barbara
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    If I were you I would decide what you want to do for the day and put the expectations of difficult child doing anything for you aside. Just do something nice for yourself and put the thoughts of anything else out of your head.

    Even when difficult child was living home mothers day would come and go with him saying, I didn't have any money to get you anything, and easy child always buying me something nice. That is what I will expect this year too. I don't allow myself to think something different might happen, because I know it won't.

    On mothers day we will all have to make sure WE all wish each other a happy mothers day, because we on this board know better then anyone else what great mothers we really are :smile: So you have us to celebrate it with and remind you!!!!
     
  8. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    No where else in the world would I find a group of women that understand all the feelings of mothering a difficult child.

    I like the ideas of planning ahead to stay busy. Maybe a breakfast with my mom and something to stay busy the rest of the day.

    Barbara I have not yet tried your ways of dealing with the emotions. I remember the place setting you set in your bedroom and now the card. It must be helpful to let the feelings out and then be able to put them away.

    I am glad to know that we will all be here for each other

    I know it is just a day.


    For me it seems to pour salt on wounds. I know difficult child won't acknowledge it, but somewhere deep inside I need the feeling of knowing that I did do the best I could. Isn't that where all these feelings are really coming from?

    Regardless of what we read and regardless of what we post, deep down I think we would all be okay if we really believed in our hearts that we did the best we could.

    We all tell one another that and we all feel that, yet somedays regardless how much we try to push it out of our minds, it shows up.

    That is the time it is so hard. I don't know about others but my mind will run with the idea. When I try to let it go it just goes to other avenues of my son's life.

    I know this is not healthy. I know this needs to be addressed and dealt with.

    I am not this way all the time. The times that it comes over me are fewer and farther in between, yet it is still very much there
     
  9. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    I'm glad the subject was brought up, has been on my mind too. The last 2 yrs difficult child 1 didn't acknowledge the day at all though she was living at home one of them. I felt bad because she had always been so excited over Mother's Day as a little girl and made sure to give me a card and gift, etc. My son, though, who never seems to know when it is a holiday, not even his own birthday, remembered me last year and gave me some flowers to plant. It really meant a lot to me.

    This year I don't expect to hear from difficult child 1 at all. I have not heard from her in almost 2 weeks. I don't know whether I should call her to check up on her or just let it go. I wish I knew her state of mind--is she trying to "punish" me by not calling or is she thinking I don't want to talk to her anymore? Or is it just that she is no longer playing a game with me--talk to Mom so she will help me when I need it.

    My difficult child 2 may or may not say anything on Mother's Day. What I plan to do is go buy some flowers to plant in pots and spend the day with my husband.

    Thanks to all you moms for being there!

    Jane
     
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know where you are Jbrain

    I haven't heard from my difficult child since telling him to leave.

    Each day I talk to my mom she ask the same question " Have you heard from my grandson?" I always say the same thing "No, I really don't look to hear from him"

    I think my difficult child feels a combo of feelings toward me. I called him on his actions so he is angry at me. He knows he is living wrong and possibly deep inside knows that I don't approve so he won't contact me. Also he can be trying to "prove" to me he doesn't need me and can make it on his own.

    Who knows? I do know that I don't expect any contact from him anytime soon
     
  11. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Thanks, Hearthope, does sound like we are in the same place! I have such mixed feelings. On the one hand I am relieved because nearly every time I would hear from her it would be to ask me for something or it would be about the latest crisis or perhaps some made up thing. This is much better. But of course I worry if she is okay and I sort of miss her. Her birthday is coming up on May 26th--don't know what to do about that. Maybe she will be calling me sometime soon if she is going to be wanting presents. In fact, maybe that is the best thing to do--wait to see if she calls. She ought to be making efforts to butter me up if she wants her birthday celebrated with her family or even just some gifts!

    Thinking of you,
    Jane
     
  12. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    He knows he is living wrong

    </div></div>

    That's exactly right, hearthope. HE KNOWS HE IS LIVING WRONG. You are his mother. There is no other correct response to make to a child who is not only destroying himself in the present but is mortgaging his own future to do it ~ all this pain for us so the child can engage in selfish, self satiating behaviors without having to experience our disapproval.

    Same with our son.

    And I hate it, and there is nothing I can do that I haven't already done and done again.

    I don't think that our doubts about our parenting abilities are at the heart of these feelings. At least for me, it is rage.

    And I know that is unattractive ~ but that is the truth.

    (husband and I both beat ourselves up, questioned ourselves silly, over where we had gone wrong. Now that I have the story (after years of research ~ I could hold a doctorate by now, with all the research and piecing together of disparate facts that I have done!!! :eek: Anyway. Now that I have the "how did this happen" answer, I realize I was so filled with anger at difficult child that I did not want to focus at difficult child that I focused it on myself (and on husband) instead.

    But the person going the wrong way?

    Was, and is, my son.

    Not me, and not husband.

    Also, I think there is a genetically mandated, hormonally mediated component to how we respond when our children are in danger, whatever their ages. Until we know they are okay, we literally cannot leave it alone. That is our child. No matter how old he or she is, we will do what we can to save them and will grieve, perhaps more desperately, with each failed rescue.

    It makes sense to me that this should be so.

    Those who evolved without this capacity did not survive.

    Barbara
     
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Nomad, you are so sweet and funny! I hope you had a wonderful birthday....

    :smile:

    Barbara
     
  14. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    For me, mother's day is just another day...kinda like my birthday....I have never gotten a card, flwer, gift since I became a mom 17 years ago....husband has never thought it was an important holiday to celebrate....he feels that way about my birthday and our anniversary....but when he doesn't get a father's day or birthday card from the kids, he pouts for days on end....I gave up years ago and it still hurts...

    The only thing I have planned is a call to my best friend of 26 years....

    Carolanne
     
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    I try to act excited about a phone call from Rob. Some years he remembers, some years he doesn't.

    But the truth is, I find Mother's Day to be very difficult. I used to love it when my Mom was alive. Heck, I've even avoided this thread because it's painful to think about even tho she's been gone for years now. I would plan and think and try to figure out a way to surprise and please her. Mother's Day was about HER, not about me.

    So I will plan to do something that day for me and I will thank my lucky stars that I had such a great Mom.

    Suz
     
  16. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    difficult child 2 thought today was Mother's Day so she wished me a happy mother's day. I told her it isn't til next weekend but thanked her and told her it really meant a lot to me that she was remembering it and it did mean a lot to me.
    Jane
     
  17. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Like Suz, my Mother's Day has always been about my mom (and husband's mom when she was alive). I never really got to enjoy my own Mother's Day. We always had to visit the grandparents. Now my mom is 80 and I still have to go over there on Mother's Day. I don't mind. The day is about her, not me.

    For a long time, Angela said she didn't have money to buy me anything. She'd buy a funny card (never a serious, mushy one). The past few years she has gotten me a gift. This year she is mad at me and has not called since Easter Day. She did not acknowledge my birthday which was just on 4/14. I doubt I'll hear from her on Mother's Day. Whatever. It's just another day.

    Melissa has always bought me expensive gifts and mushy cards about what a great mom I am. But what good are they if she doesn't behave nicely?? I would take a easy child kid any day over gifts and cards.

    Sue
     
  18. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    My mom's getting me and a flower arrangment for mother's day. The visit is planned. The arrangement is a surprise (and she'll be thrilled while making the obligatory comment about me spending too much money).

    Hard one for me? Today would've been my late husband's 49th birthday. He died five years ago July 20th. The day before MY birthday.

    All I can say on this is that you know your son is somewhere safe and that he's getting help for what ails him.

    For the day? You get through it...it may be a breath at a time but somehow you manage.
     
  19. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Sorry Suz, I hear the hurt in your post. How blessed you were to have such a great relationship with your mom. I know you miss her. Hope you do something really special for yourself.

    Nomad, I REALLY like your idea. If it was action packed and rushed who would have time to remember? Maybe next sat would be a good time for me to splurge on me, haven't done that in a long time. Last pedicure I got was before my wedding 7 yrs ago.

    Barbara I hover around anger,sorrow and fear. I am so angry at him for knowing better and still choosing to live the way he is.
    I feel sorrow because he never gave himself the chance to be the wonderful person he was capable of being.
    I have alot of fear for his safety, he is living in his full blown ODD behavior. He is like a firecracker waiting to explode. He knows no boundaries. All the rules of the world were written for other people not him.

    I have come to accept that I did do the best I could, yet I still question myself about the choices I have made in the past. I wonder what would have happen if I had done this instead of that when he did this and so on..

    I think the lowest times I have are when sorrow and the questioning myself are present. Anger and rage help me put up another brick and deal with it.

    He drove by our house today (the joys of small town living)He saw me on the patio and turned his head and kept going. So I know he is alive and kicking!
     
  20. transformtriumph

    transformtriumph New Member

    It can be hard for many of us not to hear from our kids on Mother's Day. And since my mom died, the day has not seemed quite as special. It is a day to love and appreciate all mothers, including ourselves.
    "Origin of Mother's Day
    In the times of the ancient Greeks, Rhea, the Mother of the Gods, was honored with a special festival. In seventeenth century England, "Mothering Sunday," celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent, honored England's mothers.

    Jumping across the ocean, the first observation of a Mother's Day in the United States took place in 1872 when Julia Ward Howe, social reformer and poet who penned the words to the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," suggested a day to honor mothers. This day, which she felt should be dedicated to peace, was celebrated by gatherings that she organized and held in Boston. This tradition spread, and was later organized in other areas of the country as well.

    In 1907, Anna Jarvis took Howe's idea a step further and began to campaign for a nationally recognized Mother's Day. In the late nineteenth century, Jarvis's own mother had tried to establish "Mother's Friendship Days" as a way to heal the scars of the Civil War. Persuading her mother's church in Grafton, to celebrate Mother's Day on the anniversary of Jarvis's mother's death - the second Sunday in May - our Mother's Day holiday as it is now celebrated was born. Jarvis also began the tradition of wearing a carnation in honor or memory of our mothers - a coloured carnation if your mother is still living, a white one if she is deceased.

    Jarvis's push to make Mother's Day a national event involved letter writing to ministers, politicians and businessmen. By 1911, Mother's Day was being celebrated in almost every state in the country. On 9th of May 1914, President Woodrow Wilson made the official proclamation that Mother's Day would be a national holiday to be celebrated annually on the second Sunday in May.

    Mother's Day is still celebrated around the world at various times throughout the year. There are some countries, such as Finland, Denmark and Australia that do observe the holiday on the second Sunday in May."

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: CAmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I've always tried to remember, even when my son was home, that this is a "manufactured" holiday, probably designed to sell cards or gifts, and is in no way a gauge of how much our children love or care about us.

    That said, I have always celebrated this day with my own mother...

    </div></div>
     
Loading...