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Sundays are hard! (Warning whiny post ahead)
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 466149" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>The others have great input. I wonder though, does he truly not think about you? Or does he know how much he means to you and is thinking he is punishing you by not contacting you? in my opinion that seems like it might be part of the truth. You didn't support what he wanted to do (get an apartment and deal drugs while playing at college) so he is now going to not let you play with his toys. Pretty much like a 2yo at the park when he gets mad. </p><p></p><p>I hope that you are both working with a therapist and attending alanon. Until you deal iwth your co-dependent behaviors, and that is what this is - not being able to be happy unless you are sure he is happy - neither you nor difficult child has a prayer of being healthy. In fact, it also greatly affects your husband and other kids. I do know how it hurts. </p><p></p><p>One thing that sounds dumb or cliche but works is to fake it until you make it. Get a therapist if you don't have a good one. See the therapist weekly or more often. Also go to alanon and/or narcanon meetings. At first go to a lot of different ones, different times, places, days. Find the ones that are right for you, and start on the program. Substance abuse affects ALL of you. Drag your other sons to alateen. They need to work through this also, both their bro's actions and their family dynamic. You are ALL sick from difficult child's use of drugs/alcohol, and given what you say, chances are you learned this behavior long before difficult child was in your life. So give it time, the fix isn't fast. Act like you are all there and enjoying your younger sons, husband and YOU. You will be surprised because one day you will realize that you are not faking it - you ARE enjoying them and yourself and your life.</p><p></p><p>Also remember that you are their mother, not their friend. friends are there to be sure they are happy. How many friends has difficult child had in his young life? All those kids one teams, in classes, etc.... - all frends. YOU are his MOTHER. Only one of you. I know you thought your job was to make him happy, and that you thought you failed. Think about that. Your job as his mom was to make him grow up into a productive citizen. </p><p></p><p>NO ONE EVER has a right to happiness. That is a personal goal, and a personal CHOICE. You simply cannot make someone happy, esp your child. We are guaranteed the right to PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness itself. It is easy to get confused, but if you honestly thought your job was to make difficult child happy then you would have bankrolled this apartment and his life right now. Deep down you know that the popular **** about being your kid's friend is just that, ****. Total nonsense. Your job was to make him a good person. You took him to church, gave him chores, taught him right from wrong and when he chose not just wrong or illegal but really really wrong? You cut him off. You didn't want to, you knew it would make him happy to have you continue to bankroll him and support his use of substances. But you knew, deep deep deep down in your very soul, that making him happy is not your job. And that bankrolling his current choices would NOT lead him to where he needs to be as an adult.</p><p></p><p>It is HARD to do what you did. I really respect you for it. A lot of us take much, much, much longer to get where you are. You still need meetings and a good therapist and to stick with your family here on the board, but you will get through this. And you are not alone as you go through it. We will always be here, and once you start going to alanon, the people there will be with you also.</p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 466149, member: 1233"] The others have great input. I wonder though, does he truly not think about you? Or does he know how much he means to you and is thinking he is punishing you by not contacting you? in my opinion that seems like it might be part of the truth. You didn't support what he wanted to do (get an apartment and deal drugs while playing at college) so he is now going to not let you play with his toys. Pretty much like a 2yo at the park when he gets mad. I hope that you are both working with a therapist and attending alanon. Until you deal iwth your co-dependent behaviors, and that is what this is - not being able to be happy unless you are sure he is happy - neither you nor difficult child has a prayer of being healthy. In fact, it also greatly affects your husband and other kids. I do know how it hurts. One thing that sounds dumb or cliche but works is to fake it until you make it. Get a therapist if you don't have a good one. See the therapist weekly or more often. Also go to alanon and/or narcanon meetings. At first go to a lot of different ones, different times, places, days. Find the ones that are right for you, and start on the program. Substance abuse affects ALL of you. Drag your other sons to alateen. They need to work through this also, both their bro's actions and their family dynamic. You are ALL sick from difficult child's use of drugs/alcohol, and given what you say, chances are you learned this behavior long before difficult child was in your life. So give it time, the fix isn't fast. Act like you are all there and enjoying your younger sons, husband and YOU. You will be surprised because one day you will realize that you are not faking it - you ARE enjoying them and yourself and your life. Also remember that you are their mother, not their friend. friends are there to be sure they are happy. How many friends has difficult child had in his young life? All those kids one teams, in classes, etc.... - all frends. YOU are his MOTHER. Only one of you. I know you thought your job was to make him happy, and that you thought you failed. Think about that. Your job as his mom was to make him grow up into a productive citizen. NO ONE EVER has a right to happiness. That is a personal goal, and a personal CHOICE. You simply cannot make someone happy, esp your child. We are guaranteed the right to PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness itself. It is easy to get confused, but if you honestly thought your job was to make difficult child happy then you would have bankrolled this apartment and his life right now. Deep down you know that the popular **** about being your kid's friend is just that, ****. Total nonsense. Your job was to make him a good person. You took him to church, gave him chores, taught him right from wrong and when he chose not just wrong or illegal but really really wrong? You cut him off. You didn't want to, you knew it would make him happy to have you continue to bankroll him and support his use of substances. But you knew, deep deep deep down in your very soul, that making him happy is not your job. And that bankrolling his current choices would NOT lead him to where he needs to be as an adult. It is HARD to do what you did. I really respect you for it. A lot of us take much, much, much longer to get where you are. You still need meetings and a good therapist and to stick with your family here on the board, but you will get through this. And you are not alone as you go through it. We will always be here, and once you start going to alanon, the people there will be with you also. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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