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Sundays are hard! (Warning whiny post ahead)
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 467598" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>SI - </p><p></p><p>I think your feelings are completely valid. The most interesting lines that you wrote (to me) was </p><p></p><p><span style="color: #008000">I know that easy child 1 & 2 resent that he sucked all of the time, energy, and money out of the family - the resources that should have gone to them</span>.</p><p></p><p>Okay - let's take a minute to explore this thought. This was the past. It's done, it's over, you can not change it for them, for your other son. And at the time you did put more time, energy and money into the son that you thought needed it - WHY did you? WHY would a Mother EVER EVER take from her other children and give to one child? Did you have a crystal ball at that time? Were you able to see into the future and KNOW that what you were trying to do as a VERY GOOD PARENT to help the one child was taking away from the others? Of course not. The OTHER TWO...WERE okay with what they had and would make it - the one you gave to? Needed extra to help him along. You did what you did at the time because you thought it was the best thing to do, had you known otherwise how to do differently - you would have done that. You did the best you could with what you knew. </p><p></p><p>The flip side of your thought would have been......You saw into the future,,,,,,you saw that your one son was a complete waste of time, you gave him NOTHING - you gave the two easy child's all your resources because you KNEW difficult child would be a waste and just let difficult child fend for himself. in my humble opinion - THAT would have made you the kind of Mother that you're beating yourself up for NOW.....Twenty years later. Sorta madness if you ask me. You're literally beating yourself up - for BEING a good Mother. Your SON is the one that has made his choices - NOT YOU.......You can't understand WHY he's made these choices. That...does NOT make you a bad mother...THAT alone does not fracture a family......you STILL have TWO easy child's and a husband. Missing a piece perhaps but not fractured. </p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #0000CD"> Even now, I am never 100% present with H or them because my mind is so burdened with worry and hurt. </span></p><p><span style="color: #0000CD"></span><span style="color: #000000">This? Is a choice of your own making. You are where you want to be. If you WANTED to be 100% with your H and your other children? You would get up in the morning, say your prayers about your missing son, and then throw yourself into the day that you have been given and make the most out of it. Not look at the day like a chore. If you are burdened with a day - perhaps you should start waking up every morning looking at your day differently. Each day is a gift, a fight - a present - and to be in it? You have to be the best YOU that you can possibly be. You just said in your former sentence you feel guilty because of how you treated the other two children - because you spent ALL YOUR RESOURCES on the difficult child.......and well look at you here.....AGAIN......NOT giving yourself completely to them (again)???? I'm not sure how you make it BETTER for them and show them - THEY matter if you continue to MOURN over and over - instead of beign ALIVE and WELL and the BEST HAPPY person you can be. Does this mean that you are not sad? No. Does this mean that you aren't hurting inside? OF course not. Does this mean that you can't BATTLE depression on a minute to minute basis? Not at all. But to CONTINUE to take away from your family for the sake of this child that has to make his own choices in life after ALL that you have given him and after ALL his siblings and his Father have done without? WOULD BE ........really really sad. Don't continue the sadness. If this is truly how you feel? Get help, talk to someone, get on some medicaiton that helps. Find what works to build up your happiness.....as best you can, and in the meantime.......HOPE. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p> <span style="color: #FF0000">It's really heartbreaking, I am 100% heartbroken! I feel like failed as his mother. </span></p><p><span style="color: #FF0000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #FF0000">NOTHING COULD BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.......HEARTHBROKEN? yes. YOU'RE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING HEARTBREAK......<u><strong>BUT FAILURE AS A MOTHER? ABSOLUTELY NOT. </strong></u></span></p><p><span style="color: #FF0000"></span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #800080">How else to explain his ease with detaching from me so easily? He left and<strong> he hasn't looked back</strong>.</span> </p><p></p><p>He is ...his own person. He IS a child. He IS (a he) okay throw hate mail but he is a boy/man and as a woman you are not going to understand that part of him. He IS a person with a brain that doesn't function like the rest of the world - and you have to be okay with that at some point and accept it and him for what and who he is. NOT a Rhodes scholar, not a veterinarian. Maybe not even a HS graduate. At some point maybe a complete stranger that in time you can get to know. Not RE-know. Just know. His Mother ? Sure. But no longer in control of the man he is, the person he was - or the child that you raised. At some point you can look at it and hope/pray you gave him the tools he needed to at least be in the world, get along, survive......and in the mean time -= stay out of trouble, know where home is....miss him madly....and allow yourself to mourn and close the book on what you thought you would have but no longer is a reality. Not so much a loss - but a different chapter of your lives together. The hasnt looked back part? Well - some of that MAY ----just MAY have to do with him you know. He may be embarrassed with how hes treated people, how he was treated and a need to find his own way - without help.....you don't know. But being weepy and miserable will NEVER bring him back. Never. People have a misconception that if you loose someone and don't mourn them for life - they will stand off in a distance and watch to see if you have been sad for years and pine away - I think th better thing to do is live your life to the best of your abilities FOR yourself and inspite of the loss you suffered. Write them......tuck the letters away .......if they never come around it's cathartic. If they do come? </p><p>You can hand them to them and say - I did miss you like crazy - I just didn't know where you were - or eventually maybe you'll understand what I mean by living each day with Zest and LIFE......for YOURSELF to be an example to the world. Make people WANT to be near you -----not shun away from you. </p><p></p><p><span style="color: #FF8C00">I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't know how to come to terms with the way our family has been fractured.</span></p><p><span style="color: #FF8C00"></span></p><p><span style="color: #FF8C00"></span><span style="color: #EE82EE">Well my dear - I think if you understood this or how to wrap your head around it? You'd have your own syndicated talk show. None of us understand it completely. But my advice to you is to stop the thoughts that are telling you - your family is fractured and unfixable.......Your family is......dented - at best you have a member that is off on an adventure unable to communicate with you for whatever reason through no fault of YOUR own. He's not dead, he isn't in the center of the earth unable to get back to you.........he's just lost in his own mind and has to work things out for himself. Don't over complicate things for him by being the parent that falls apart - STAND strong for yourself and for the rest of your children and family and find the things in your life that bring you peace and happiness and stop HYPER focusing on THIS ONE THING. Is it tragic? Of course. Can you survive? I dunno - That's up to you......but maybe the bigger question here is "How long can the rest of your family survive while you fall apart ?" I think.......I think they need the WARRIOR Mom that lives inside you and I know that the kid that left needs her too. Just remember he's a little bit more stubborn (like his Mother) about these things. </span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE"></span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE">I would only know what i've told you - having lived through it ------wanting to fall apart is easy. Falling into a pit so deep and so dark.....like freefalling and hoping there is no bottom and no tomorrow because it's easier to keep falling than to face tomorrow is heaven compared to clawing your way back up to the top and dealing with heartbreak. I know this probably will not make sense to you - but if your friend ever kicks a nativity scene across a room at Christmas time and you laugh until you cry? Let her kick it. </span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE"></span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE">Beyond that? I hope you can find someone to talk to, and get on a good antidepressant, learn to detach and be stronger than you've ever had to be in your life. You have good friends here that will help. You are not alone.......and we won't let you pit=party dive. </span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE"></span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE">Hugs & Love </span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE">been there done that Star</span></p><p><span style="color: #EE82EE"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 467598, member: 4964"] SI - I think your feelings are completely valid. The most interesting lines that you wrote (to me) was [COLOR=#008000]I know that easy child 1 & 2 resent that he sucked all of the time, energy, and money out of the family - the resources that should have gone to them[/COLOR]. Okay - let's take a minute to explore this thought. This was the past. It's done, it's over, you can not change it for them, for your other son. And at the time you did put more time, energy and money into the son that you thought needed it - WHY did you? WHY would a Mother EVER EVER take from her other children and give to one child? Did you have a crystal ball at that time? Were you able to see into the future and KNOW that what you were trying to do as a VERY GOOD PARENT to help the one child was taking away from the others? Of course not. The OTHER TWO...WERE okay with what they had and would make it - the one you gave to? Needed extra to help him along. You did what you did at the time because you thought it was the best thing to do, had you known otherwise how to do differently - you would have done that. You did the best you could with what you knew. The flip side of your thought would have been......You saw into the future,,,,,,you saw that your one son was a complete waste of time, you gave him NOTHING - you gave the two easy child's all your resources because you KNEW difficult child would be a waste and just let difficult child fend for himself. in my humble opinion - THAT would have made you the kind of Mother that you're beating yourself up for NOW.....Twenty years later. Sorta madness if you ask me. You're literally beating yourself up - for BEING a good Mother. Your SON is the one that has made his choices - NOT YOU.......You can't understand WHY he's made these choices. That...does NOT make you a bad mother...THAT alone does not fracture a family......you STILL have TWO easy child's and a husband. Missing a piece perhaps but not fractured. [COLOR=#0000CD] Even now, I am never 100% present with H or them because my mind is so burdened with worry and hurt. [/COLOR][COLOR=#000000]This? Is a choice of your own making. You are where you want to be. If you WANTED to be 100% with your H and your other children? You would get up in the morning, say your prayers about your missing son, and then throw yourself into the day that you have been given and make the most out of it. Not look at the day like a chore. If you are burdened with a day - perhaps you should start waking up every morning looking at your day differently. Each day is a gift, a fight - a present - and to be in it? You have to be the best YOU that you can possibly be. You just said in your former sentence you feel guilty because of how you treated the other two children - because you spent ALL YOUR RESOURCES on the difficult child.......and well look at you here.....AGAIN......NOT giving yourself completely to them (again)???? I'm not sure how you make it BETTER for them and show them - THEY matter if you continue to MOURN over and over - instead of beign ALIVE and WELL and the BEST HAPPY person you can be. Does this mean that you are not sad? No. Does this mean that you aren't hurting inside? OF course not. Does this mean that you can't BATTLE depression on a minute to minute basis? Not at all. But to CONTINUE to take away from your family for the sake of this child that has to make his own choices in life after ALL that you have given him and after ALL his siblings and his Father have done without? WOULD BE ........really really sad. Don't continue the sadness. If this is truly how you feel? Get help, talk to someone, get on some medicaiton that helps. Find what works to build up your happiness.....as best you can, and in the meantime.......HOPE. [/COLOR][COLOR=#0000CD][/COLOR] [COLOR=#FF0000]It's really heartbreaking, I am 100% heartbroken! I feel like failed as his mother. NOTHING COULD BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.......HEARTHBROKEN? yes. YOU'RE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING HEARTBREAK......[U][B]BUT FAILURE AS A MOTHER? ABSOLUTELY NOT. [/B][/U] [/COLOR] [COLOR=#800080]How else to explain his ease with detaching from me so easily? He left and[B] he hasn't looked back[/B].[/COLOR] He is ...his own person. He IS a child. He IS (a he) okay throw hate mail but he is a boy/man and as a woman you are not going to understand that part of him. He IS a person with a brain that doesn't function like the rest of the world - and you have to be okay with that at some point and accept it and him for what and who he is. NOT a Rhodes scholar, not a veterinarian. Maybe not even a HS graduate. At some point maybe a complete stranger that in time you can get to know. Not RE-know. Just know. His Mother ? Sure. But no longer in control of the man he is, the person he was - or the child that you raised. At some point you can look at it and hope/pray you gave him the tools he needed to at least be in the world, get along, survive......and in the mean time -= stay out of trouble, know where home is....miss him madly....and allow yourself to mourn and close the book on what you thought you would have but no longer is a reality. Not so much a loss - but a different chapter of your lives together. The hasnt looked back part? Well - some of that MAY ----just MAY have to do with him you know. He may be embarrassed with how hes treated people, how he was treated and a need to find his own way - without help.....you don't know. But being weepy and miserable will NEVER bring him back. Never. People have a misconception that if you loose someone and don't mourn them for life - they will stand off in a distance and watch to see if you have been sad for years and pine away - I think th better thing to do is live your life to the best of your abilities FOR yourself and inspite of the loss you suffered. Write them......tuck the letters away .......if they never come around it's cathartic. If they do come? You can hand them to them and say - I did miss you like crazy - I just didn't know where you were - or eventually maybe you'll understand what I mean by living each day with Zest and LIFE......for YOURSELF to be an example to the world. Make people WANT to be near you -----not shun away from you. [COLOR=#FF8C00]I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't know how to come to terms with the way our family has been fractured. [/COLOR][COLOR=#EE82EE]Well my dear - I think if you understood this or how to wrap your head around it? You'd have your own syndicated talk show. None of us understand it completely. But my advice to you is to stop the thoughts that are telling you - your family is fractured and unfixable.......Your family is......dented - at best you have a member that is off on an adventure unable to communicate with you for whatever reason through no fault of YOUR own. He's not dead, he isn't in the center of the earth unable to get back to you.........he's just lost in his own mind and has to work things out for himself. Don't over complicate things for him by being the parent that falls apart - STAND strong for yourself and for the rest of your children and family and find the things in your life that bring you peace and happiness and stop HYPER focusing on THIS ONE THING. Is it tragic? Of course. Can you survive? I dunno - That's up to you......but maybe the bigger question here is "How long can the rest of your family survive while you fall apart ?" I think.......I think they need the WARRIOR Mom that lives inside you and I know that the kid that left needs her too. Just remember he's a little bit more stubborn (like his Mother) about these things. I would only know what i've told you - having lived through it ------wanting to fall apart is easy. Falling into a pit so deep and so dark.....like freefalling and hoping there is no bottom and no tomorrow because it's easier to keep falling than to face tomorrow is heaven compared to clawing your way back up to the top and dealing with heartbreak. I know this probably will not make sense to you - but if your friend ever kicks a nativity scene across a room at Christmas time and you laugh until you cry? Let her kick it. Beyond that? I hope you can find someone to talk to, and get on a good antidepressant, learn to detach and be stronger than you've ever had to be in your life. You have good friends here that will help. You are not alone.......and we won't let you pit=party dive. Hugs & Love been there done that Star [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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