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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 282184" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>When my difficult child went through the worst year of his life two years ago his behavoir turned off all of his friends and I felt I lost all of mine. Because he was gone much of the first quarter of our very little school he missed out on that "bonding" time that the classroom goes through at the beginning of the year. He was also put on Clonazepam which became a disinhibitive and he just could not become part of the school. The kids did not trust him and he became mean. It was so hard for me to watch and the hardest was that my friends did not know how to help either. I don't think they were purposely turning their backs on me. I think they were just at a loss as I was and didn't know what to do either. Being around me and difficult child became uncomfortable - no one knew what to say, even me. I started to feel very isolated and hopeless.</p><p> </p><p>I know how hard it is for you to make this friendship work but believe me, your friend does need you. She needs to be assured that not everyone is viewing her child as a monster but is looking at these as behaviors that can be helped once the root cause is found. Remind her that her daughter is reaching out and asking for help. She doesn't know how to make her life more comfortable and when she gets frustrated, her reaction is to fight back.</p><p> </p><p>We find that these kids need a creative way of disciplining. Anything a normal child gets will often be viewed as harsh punishment from a difficult child's point of view. They do not see a spanking as a "wake up call" to know that being naughty will hurt. They look at it as the powerful person hurt me so if I get angry, that is what I should do, hurt back. They do not always see that taking something away from them is a consequence, same thing, when the powerful person gets angry, they take my stuff away so that is what I need to do when I am angry. In other words, difficult children see things much more black and white and not so much as a learning situation for them to improve their lives. Time outs sends them the message that we don't want them near us - they don't connect it to the behavior. Everything is so personal about how we judge them and not the message we want to send that they need to work on their own character.</p><p></p><p>Every kid is different. I think difficult children need us to somehow reach their hearts. To let them know that we still love them and know they are hurting or frustrated about not "fitting in". We are not judging them or punishing for the sake of putting them down but we want to help them see their mistakes and grown and learn from them.</p><p> </p><p>If you get a chance to talk to your friend's daughter in positive ways (even a happy greeting when you see her and ask how her day is going)and make all your interactions with her uplifting, that will also help your friend. It was encouraging to me whenever anyone had something nice to say about or to my difficult child the year he was being a monster. When people could tell him they see the positive side of him, it uplifted me and gave me hope also.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you for being such a good friend. Try not to get too discouraged when this friendship will seem like work on your side. It really will be important to your friend and the daughter for your help in this.</p><p> </p><p>If you are able to find ways to help your friend destress by either taking the girl for a few hours or taking your friend out that will also be helpful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 282184, member: 5096"] When my difficult child went through the worst year of his life two years ago his behavoir turned off all of his friends and I felt I lost all of mine. Because he was gone much of the first quarter of our very little school he missed out on that "bonding" time that the classroom goes through at the beginning of the year. He was also put on Clonazepam which became a disinhibitive and he just could not become part of the school. The kids did not trust him and he became mean. It was so hard for me to watch and the hardest was that my friends did not know how to help either. I don't think they were purposely turning their backs on me. I think they were just at a loss as I was and didn't know what to do either. Being around me and difficult child became uncomfortable - no one knew what to say, even me. I started to feel very isolated and hopeless. I know how hard it is for you to make this friendship work but believe me, your friend does need you. She needs to be assured that not everyone is viewing her child as a monster but is looking at these as behaviors that can be helped once the root cause is found. Remind her that her daughter is reaching out and asking for help. She doesn't know how to make her life more comfortable and when she gets frustrated, her reaction is to fight back. We find that these kids need a creative way of disciplining. Anything a normal child gets will often be viewed as harsh punishment from a difficult child's point of view. They do not see a spanking as a "wake up call" to know that being naughty will hurt. They look at it as the powerful person hurt me so if I get angry, that is what I should do, hurt back. They do not always see that taking something away from them is a consequence, same thing, when the powerful person gets angry, they take my stuff away so that is what I need to do when I am angry. In other words, difficult children see things much more black and white and not so much as a learning situation for them to improve their lives. Time outs sends them the message that we don't want them near us - they don't connect it to the behavior. Everything is so personal about how we judge them and not the message we want to send that they need to work on their own character. Every kid is different. I think difficult children need us to somehow reach their hearts. To let them know that we still love them and know they are hurting or frustrated about not "fitting in". We are not judging them or punishing for the sake of putting them down but we want to help them see their mistakes and grown and learn from them. If you get a chance to talk to your friend's daughter in positive ways (even a happy greeting when you see her and ask how her day is going)and make all your interactions with her uplifting, that will also help your friend. It was encouraging to me whenever anyone had something nice to say about or to my difficult child the year he was being a monster. When people could tell him they see the positive side of him, it uplifted me and gave me hope also. Thank you for being such a good friend. Try not to get too discouraged when this friendship will seem like work on your side. It really will be important to your friend and the daughter for your help in this. If you are able to find ways to help your friend destress by either taking the girl for a few hours or taking your friend out that will also be helpful. [/QUOTE]
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