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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 282214" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You are an angel.</p><p></p><p>Please encourage her to consider seeking out a specialist who understands complicated children. It is most likely that this child has been neurologically damaged and has attachment issues since her early years were so filled with chaos. This can't be fixed by being a tougher or more consistent parent or by whopping the tar out of her (in fact she may just whop her back). These are physical as well as emotional reasons for the behaviors. This child may well have fetal alcohol problems as well as attachment issues and even a great parent like you could not turn his child around. It takes more than love, good parenting, and common sense to help a child who has been given such a horrible start in life. Most of us who adopt older kids don't realize that we can't love t he problem away. And most outsiders don't understand that the child isn't grateful or glad to be adopted (half the time he resents it and sometimes doesn't want any love). He often has brain damage from drugs and alcohol, which he can't help and good parenting can't fix. If the child is unable to make friends, the autism spectrum, high functioning, pops in my head, although it is unlikely there is one answer for this child. My son who was adopted at two from foster care had crack in his system when he was born and he is on the autism spectrum. He's lucky that it wasn't worse than that. High Functioning Autism requires a neuropsychologist to catch it. That could be partly what is going on here.</p><p>Most of all, just listen without judgment. This child is nothing like yours. The child had a whole horrible, traumatic history even before she was born. Your friend needs to admit she needs even more evaluating and help. in my opinion an ADHD clinic was a bad choice. In places like that they see their specialty disorder in all kids--doubt they tested or checked for fetal alcohol problems, reactive attachment disorder, bipolar disorder, any sort of autistic spectrum problem, learning disabilities, etc. NeuroPsychs seem to nail things the best. They can be found at university and children's hospitals. I'd also try to find a doctor who understands drug affected children because not all do.</p><p>Your friend has a lot on her plate and unless she gets very proactive, she won't even know what she's dealing with. It sounds like (as with most of us who adopted older kids from the system) your friend had no idea what she was getting into and that love would be the answer. I think all of her friends and family need to understand that this child is not like little Joey next door and that she isn't doing anything wrong, parent-wise. The child herself is wired differently. Best anyone can do is listen without judgment or "helpful" advice. What works for Little Joey will not work for her daughter, making her feel even more frustrated. What MAY help is a better evaluation. There are no guarantees with damaged children nor is there a roadmap to raising them. It all depends on the damage--it's sort of like buying a used car with a beautiful body. You don't know what the first owner did to it and if it's really in good shape. But a child is much harder to fix than a car <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" />.</p><p>Good luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 282214, member: 1550"] You are an angel. Please encourage her to consider seeking out a specialist who understands complicated children. It is most likely that this child has been neurologically damaged and has attachment issues since her early years were so filled with chaos. This can't be fixed by being a tougher or more consistent parent or by whopping the tar out of her (in fact she may just whop her back). These are physical as well as emotional reasons for the behaviors. This child may well have fetal alcohol problems as well as attachment issues and even a great parent like you could not turn his child around. It takes more than love, good parenting, and common sense to help a child who has been given such a horrible start in life. Most of us who adopt older kids don't realize that we can't love t he problem away. And most outsiders don't understand that the child isn't grateful or glad to be adopted (half the time he resents it and sometimes doesn't want any love). He often has brain damage from drugs and alcohol, which he can't help and good parenting can't fix. If the child is unable to make friends, the autism spectrum, high functioning, pops in my head, although it is unlikely there is one answer for this child. My son who was adopted at two from foster care had crack in his system when he was born and he is on the autism spectrum. He's lucky that it wasn't worse than that. High Functioning Autism requires a neuropsychologist to catch it. That could be partly what is going on here. Most of all, just listen without judgment. This child is nothing like yours. The child had a whole horrible, traumatic history even before she was born. Your friend needs to admit she needs even more evaluating and help. in my opinion an ADHD clinic was a bad choice. In places like that they see their specialty disorder in all kids--doubt they tested or checked for fetal alcohol problems, reactive attachment disorder, bipolar disorder, any sort of autistic spectrum problem, learning disabilities, etc. NeuroPsychs seem to nail things the best. They can be found at university and children's hospitals. I'd also try to find a doctor who understands drug affected children because not all do. Your friend has a lot on her plate and unless she gets very proactive, she won't even know what she's dealing with. It sounds like (as with most of us who adopted older kids from the system) your friend had no idea what she was getting into and that love would be the answer. I think all of her friends and family need to understand that this child is not like little Joey next door and that she isn't doing anything wrong, parent-wise. The child herself is wired differently. Best anyone can do is listen without judgment or "helpful" advice. What works for Little Joey will not work for her daughter, making her feel even more frustrated. What MAY help is a better evaluation. There are no guarantees with damaged children nor is there a roadmap to raising them. It all depends on the damage--it's sort of like buying a used car with a beautiful body. You don't know what the first owner did to it and if it's really in good shape. But a child is much harder to fix than a car :frowny:. Good luck. [/QUOTE]
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