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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 588861" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>peg2, I'm also sorry you are going through this with your son. It is heartbreaking for us when our kids are struggling. I agree with MWM, getting support for yourself is the way to soothe your heartache, 12 step groups. codependency groups, private therapy, therapy groups and NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness which you can access online, and they have chapters all over. Many here have benefited from NAMI parent groups.) </p><p></p><p>There comes a point with our kids, regardless of the reasons they are on the streets, or in any way acting out or living unsavory lives, that we have done everything possible for them, however they refuse any help and refuse to do anything for themselves. That is the point at which you must let go, learn to detach and accept a situation that you cannot change. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it has helpful information. Many here also benefit from the serenity prayer....</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Georgia'">God grant me the serenity </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Georgia'">to accept the things I cannot change; </span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Georgia'">courage to change the things I can;</span></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Georgia'">and wisdom to know the difference.</span></span></p><p></p><p>Detachment is a very difficult challenge for parents because it goes against much we believe we must do for our adult kids, which is why support for YOU is essential. Your son is young and may in fact change his ways, but often they work it out so natural consequences are the way in which they learn these difficult life lessons...........and truthfully, some don't learn. We know how you feel, we know the torment, the worry, the fear, the angers, the remarkable way in which it breaks your heart and depletes you of your joy and life force. As much as we want to, as much as we try, we cannot control another's choices, even our kids. We control out of fear and of course, we are terrified for them. But control doesn't work, it is an exercise in futility, it is crazy making, highly stressful and will do harm to you physically.</p><p></p><p>The way to stop your pain is to get some kind of support. I opted for therapy, a therapy run support group for parents like me, 12 step codependency groups, books and this forum. Without all of that support, I would still be suffering. You have to learn tools to detach. You may or may not be at the point at which there is nothing else you can do, only you can decide when that is, but if you are or you aren't, seek help for yourself. No matter how you look at this, it is very difficult.</p><p></p><p>As to why you have this burden, I have no idea, but I believe that the question serves no purpose for you, it is what it is, just as if your son was diagnosed with Leukemia or you had a car accident, it happens and you have to deal with it. The whys are less important then the way in which you travel the road, the choices you make, what you learn, how you respond, how you find your peace and grace amidst all of the chaos. </p><p></p><p>While he is in jail, concentrate on YOU, focus on you and what your needs are. Find support. When you are feeling overwhelmed with the desperation, take a walk in nature, meditate, do deep breathing exercises, something which reduces stress. Yoga works. Acupuncture works. Find ways to self soothe, to find your center again, to find peace regardless of the choices your son is making. That is a tall order I know, but if you learn that, in the middle of this emotional hurricane, you might have an answer to your question. I wish you peace...............hugs..............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 588861, member: 13542"] peg2, I'm also sorry you are going through this with your son. It is heartbreaking for us when our kids are struggling. I agree with MWM, getting support for yourself is the way to soothe your heartache, 12 step groups. codependency groups, private therapy, therapy groups and NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness which you can access online, and they have chapters all over. Many here have benefited from NAMI parent groups.) There comes a point with our kids, regardless of the reasons they are on the streets, or in any way acting out or living unsavory lives, that we have done everything possible for them, however they refuse any help and refuse to do anything for themselves. That is the point at which you must let go, learn to detach and accept a situation that you cannot change. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it has helpful information. Many here also benefit from the serenity prayer.... [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Georgia]God grant me the serenity [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Georgia]to accept the things I cannot change; [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Georgia]courage to change the things I can;[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Georgia]and wisdom to know the difference.[/FONT][/COLOR] Detachment is a very difficult challenge for parents because it goes against much we believe we must do for our adult kids, which is why support for YOU is essential. Your son is young and may in fact change his ways, but often they work it out so natural consequences are the way in which they learn these difficult life lessons...........and truthfully, some don't learn. We know how you feel, we know the torment, the worry, the fear, the angers, the remarkable way in which it breaks your heart and depletes you of your joy and life force. As much as we want to, as much as we try, we cannot control another's choices, even our kids. We control out of fear and of course, we are terrified for them. But control doesn't work, it is an exercise in futility, it is crazy making, highly stressful and will do harm to you physically. The way to stop your pain is to get some kind of support. I opted for therapy, a therapy run support group for parents like me, 12 step codependency groups, books and this forum. Without all of that support, I would still be suffering. You have to learn tools to detach. You may or may not be at the point at which there is nothing else you can do, only you can decide when that is, but if you are or you aren't, seek help for yourself. No matter how you look at this, it is very difficult. As to why you have this burden, I have no idea, but I believe that the question serves no purpose for you, it is what it is, just as if your son was diagnosed with Leukemia or you had a car accident, it happens and you have to deal with it. The whys are less important then the way in which you travel the road, the choices you make, what you learn, how you respond, how you find your peace and grace amidst all of the chaos. While he is in jail, concentrate on YOU, focus on you and what your needs are. Find support. When you are feeling overwhelmed with the desperation, take a walk in nature, meditate, do deep breathing exercises, something which reduces stress. Yoga works. Acupuncture works. Find ways to self soothe, to find your center again, to find peace regardless of the choices your son is making. That is a tall order I know, but if you learn that, in the middle of this emotional hurricane, you might have an answer to your question. I wish you peace...............hugs.............. [/QUOTE]
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