supporting healthier friends

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Dec 17, 2008.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    My difficult child is 15 . She is talking a lot about connecting with S and L, girls she has runaway to, gotten high with, and law broke (esp. S-stole our credit cards, drove our cars) This is my stand. Input appreciated:
    She may see L and S for a few hours Sat. in a public place like the Mall or movie only if accompanied by trustworthy person -her brother or her freind E. We must know where she is at all times and be in touch houlry if at Mall and before and after movie.
    She is also required to participate in vollebyall fundraiser, clinc, and serve-a thon , attend 5 AA meetings this weekend, AA tomorrow,participate in Christmas shopping. She will be doing the Humane Society next 2 days, plus her voice lesson Friday.
    I will read the lonliness secion in "Living Sober" Thursday, Friday, Sat., Sunday, and the remembering last drunk (which was with L a month ago).
    Enough rest and food also vital.
    Compassion
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As the mom of an ex-drug addict, I would say "no" to that. That doesn't mean she'd listen, of course, but my daughter couldn't be around drug addicts or troubled kids or she'd fall right back into their ways. They had subtle ways of pressuring her into doing drugs again, and she was not strong enough to fend off the peer pressure. Even a brother isn't really enough. My son was super-straight, but he'd never really tattle on his sister. Does she really need to see them? What is your thinking for agreeing to it? Do you just think you can't stop it? I know my daughter found very creative ways to do whatever she wanted to do, no matter what we said...
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah. Doesn't AA and NA explain that you need to find new friends? I thought it did, but it's been a while...
     
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree- this is not a good idea. As someone who used to have issues in that area myself, even if there is NO pressure from old friends, just being around them can bring back memories and temptations and the thoughts like "oh I can do this just once and there won't be any problem". Some people have difficulty being around people who do drugs and/or an environment where drugs are accepted even after many years of being clean.
     
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I hate to say this but I guess someone has to. You're in denial and you and your husband are enablers.

    Whether you want to admit it or not, your daughter is an addict. You have all these things you want your daughter to do but they're meaningless. You let her pretty do all the things that got her into drugs in the first place and now you're willing to let her hang out with the girls she used these drugs with.

    Your daughter needs help. A lot more than she is getting. I know you say she's been clean and sober for 30-some days but I truly doubt it. It would be a small miracle if she hasn't used in that time. To demand that a young teen stop using without a lot of supports is like telling a paraplegic to get up and walk without surgery and therapy. It's not going to happen.

    Please help your daughter. Stop letting her run around. Get her into rehab. Force her to AA and NA. Do what you have to do. Tell husband to grow a spine and quit letting his little girl manipulate him. She's not a little girl anymore. She's growing into a young woman heading down a very dangerous path. She needs her parents to be strong and help her find her way through this. That is not going to happen if she keeps going to the same places and seeing the same people she did before you said no alcohol and no drugs. I doubt any human is that strong.
     
  6. compassion

    compassion Member

    She has been going to AA at my insistance for the past month: She has made 26 meetings since Nov.1 plus therapist and psychiatrist. I have always set good clear boundries/supervision , curfews and channel in healthy actvities. She started running to use in June. Nov. 17 we laid iy out metins, no contact with alcohol users/drug users or law breakers. It has been a month doing our absolute best and I am proud of her. She has one freind she hangs with almost constatly and involved in youth group at a church. She is involved inn volleyball, music, Humane Society but still sees fun as these out of the box kids. She did tell them no yesterday to picking her up. That was huge.
    My fear is if I insist she has nothing to do with who SHE wants, she will run and bolt again. If she does the healthy stuff (Vball, AA,music,family activties) and we insist she sees them in public for a few hours with supervision/limits (movie/Mall) it avoids the power struggle. Yes MWM, she has a part of her that thinks she can do whatever she wants. As far as I can discern, the drinking using was all at unsupervised houses.
    A few months ago, she insisted on having contact with a 20 year old young man. She is 15. This is when she had a 17 year old boyfriend. I told her no, p-doctor spent much time on this oint also -she snuck did it anyway.
    So, my idea was channel/insist on the healty while supporting her. Knwoing her and my own experinces, deprivation makes stuff feel so much mmore attractive.
    There has been huge progress in the past month. She has not run and do not beleive she has used illegal substances.

    I do hope and pray the day will come when she does not want to be around people that use. I do think the craving the chatic/out of the box,quirkky,arty,emo is part of her personality and not all bad.
    Compassion
     
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Has she started working the 12 steps- on her own yet? I think it will be the turning point if she has really taken responsibility for keeping herself clean.
     
  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Can you get a PINS petition on her. It's done by the probation dept. Parents In Need Of Support. That way she would have to answer to them as well as you. It would give her a curfew, drug testing, ensure she meets with her therapist....and so on. If she messes up enough you will end up in Family Court where you could actually request an in patient stay at a rehab, it would be court mandated, that way she can't run. She would meet with her probation officer weekly and her rules would be designed to address her issues. You might be able to get her into an out-patient rehab through them.

    Just a thought. Good luck. :)
     
  9. compassion

    compassion Member

    MWM, Yes, I do not think I can stop her. Yes, I do not think she has the stregnth to resist the peer pressure. Both my son and E(her friend) are very adamant about no using,etc. and perhaps I will insist they both be there-she absouletly will not tolerate my husband or me there. Quite frankly, I doubt they(S and L) will go for the straight kids being there plus in the daylight hours I insist on. So to expand as my t-doctor says, the bottom feeders are self selecting. I have to choose my battles and yes, I do think I am supporting, facing, and handling this as much as I humanly can. Last week I had her make a list of heathy actvities she could/would do on weekend. They were shoot pool with brother,movies, work at Humane Society, nap, volleyball,exercise at gym. T-doctor added be a student of new relationships. Compassion
     
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    Bran, We are doing something simlar through weekly behavorial contracts with therapist. As of Oct. 3, she was given 6 months for delayed prosectuion for two charges of leaving the scene of an accident in July. (adult charges)
    She is still in acute phase of being stabilized for bipolar. There has been more stabilization in the past month since when she started medications July 30. A month ago it became very clear to me that one reason she was not being stabilized was she was using,mainly alcohol.
    I am avoiding court involevment so she does not have a record and she has time to get stabilized,whch according to my bipolar books can take nearly a year.
    Her p-doctor has an inpatient Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in mind (dual diagnosis including substance abuse oriented). I think possibly there is adolescent outpateient also . Both are about 45 minutes away.Most days, AA ,the behavioral contract (plenty of heathy channels), medications, seem to be working.
    I think it takes a long time to get stabilized.
    Compassion
     
  11. compassion

    compassion Member

    The going to AA / complying with behavioral contract was condition to not go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I put it in her hands. If she runs, uses, it is her choice and sheis choosing Residential Treatment Center (RTC). We have been doing as t-doctor says 150% to support her recovery/sobriety.
    As far as her taking responsibiltiy for her own sobriety. No, she is not there yet but I see progress. Last week, we worked on the part of the first step about unmangibility. We did second step yesterday. Compassion
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The only way my daughter quit using was when she was sent out of state to live with her brother, who is very straight, and had no more contact with her "friends." I use the word lightly. She had tried to quit and many times DID quit for short times, but they were what kept her going back, even when she didn't really want to use anymore. I think who they hang with is very telling. If your daughter still wants to be with druggie friends, in my opinion she is at great risk to start using again. I tried to keep my daughter home--even homeschooled her--she sneaked out at night through her window. She found ways. I had to get her out of town or she was going to die. The sad thing is, I didn't even know how BAD it had been for her until she quit using and told me all the stuff she'd used. I'd never dreamed she used cocaine or tried heroine, but she had.
    I really think who these vulnerable young teens hang around with tells you where their priorities are. I'd almost think your daughter is better off in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) than with those kids. At least, if it's a good Residential Treatment Center (RTC), perhaps there will be no drugs there and she will have to face herself while she is straight and attend AA/NA meetings. And she won't be around her friends, although it's likely that many kids in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would be drug abusers, some not very motivated to quit, just doing their time, trying to get out so they can do it agian.
    I don't envy you. This is not fun. In the end, my daughter quit because she wanted to quit. But she also quit because she finally got away from her peers who pushed her. She needed a fresh start. The straight kids wouldn't hang around with her here, and the druggies didn't want her to go straight and weren't about to let her (they badgered her mercilessly) and, in the end, she was not strong enough to fight them. She needed to leave them. When she hears about her old friends now almost all of them have been in jail and are unemployed. She laughs about it, but it could have been her.
    Do what you need to do to help her along. I would greatly discourge her from being anywhere near these kids. Some therapists aren't very useful. We had one who told us just to TRUST our daughter more. This was after she stole form us several times and was busted for drugs twice and lied to us as easy as breathing. The therapist was useless.
    I wish you all the best...and your daughter too.
     
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