surviving rebuilding after emotional affair

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Sep 27, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yup it's me, always heavy topics......lol maybe someday i'll write about something funny ya think?? lol probably not.

    so yup not doing the "poor me" thing, i'm still quite healthy love my kids, yet ontop of other things i'm handling with difficult child which always takes front and center it seems i've got a relationship issue.

    boyfriend well it was learned about 5 mos ago that he had an emotional affair with someone that lasted a while 7 mos. unbeknownst to me. it was a co worker ofcourse. he didn't anti up i found out alot just be being very aware, and snooping :) end of day once i had the love letter in my hand (it was unopened), a valentines day card begging for ummm you know what pleading with him actually i knew the jig was up and it was time to confront. long story short very recently past few days the topic came up again. we have been trying to rebuild our relationship in the mist of the normaly craziness, i'm been trying to regain my trust, etc. yet it's hard and difficult.

    worst of all he is trying to make it seem like it was less than it was. that she was the pursuer not him. yet he answered her calls, called her himself, answered her texts with his own, accepted boxers and a love letter for xmas last year, accepted and opened a valentines day card. two days ago i learned because i asked and i felt ready for more info when it is he saw her since he's always either working or home, and since she wasn't an employee there anylonger at his business. so he told me the truth but i didn't handle it too well. silly me lol

    she apparentley visited him at work periodically, and would wait for him on occassion till he finished working so he could drive her home. unbeknownst to me. i would find pre paid cell cards in his truck i knew she had one of those yet he would make up excuses. it began it sounds as something innocent, yet once he knew she was falling for him, he was playing shoulder to cry on he didn't end it he continued. huge mistake. i'll never know if anything physical happened he says no not at all. yet my trust in him has diminished to almost nothing. then learning that she visited him at his business at night, it's a restaraunt, that he drove her home on occassion. yuck.

    so i guess i'm in deciding mode right now. if i want to continue trying to move forward or chuck him basically speaking. yea he's been very supportive with difficult child, bought me a new truck when mine died, has allowd me not to work to be there for her. yet trust is the cornerstone of any good relationship and he crossed the line and for a very long time at that.

    hate to change difficult child's life right now. that would cause quite the disruption in her i know it would. yet if you can't trust and to boot as i had mentioned he keeps trying to underplay it which is why i'm probably stuck in this mode. he admits he made huge mistake, he admits he never should of allowed himself to be her shoulder to cry on, yet he doesnt grasp the whole "emotional affair" thing. yet i've learned he did share personal very personal info with her pertaining to his life, his former wife, my children's names that made me very ill.
     
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    What a true dilema - I am sure there are way too many details for you to give or would even want to share so I can only advise based on the very little that you have shared:

    Determine what you really want in this relationship. Can he provide it? Do you really want to continue while not really being able to trust? You have stated you are not sure if that trust could be returned. What does he need to do to regain that trust? Is he capable of doing so?

    Make a list of everything pro and con. Are the cons outweighing the pro? Remember, you could have 30 pros but one con can wipe them out - you need to decide how important each pro and con is.

    I do understand that if you decide to walk away that it will be extremely difficult to you and difficult child. However, you will be sending the message that you have important criterias for relationships and when one very important one is broken, you can not always make it work from there on. You will not allow anyone to treat you in this way.

    How do you feel each time you see him? Are you feeling happy to see him or has your thoughts become more and more negative as seeing him brings feelings of mistrust and your 1st thoughts are "where is he really coming from? What has he done today?" Can you get past those thoughts and see the man you love?

    If you do decide to keep him in your life, make sure that clear boundaries are set. He must know and live by the relation's boundaries. To do otherwise is disrespecting you and for your children's sake as well as your own, you can not live with someone who is disrespectful. He is to set the example to your kids that you are to be respected.

    So, I am not sure that I helped much if any. Maybe just put in words some of your feelings? I don't know enough to send you one way or the other.
     
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    the fact that i sat up waiting for him to come home and he was in a car with her talking to her telling her stuff, as we did when we dated driving her home after she visited him at his business. wow. how can i come back from that? i thought it was mainly a phone thing, that was hard enough and the gift when she worked for him. yet knowing on valentine's day she was in his truck he gave her a ride home she gave him a card and he accepted it and opened it. wow.

    where oh where do i go from here?? ok thanks for letting me vent.
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jennifer

    I'm so sorry. This can be such a devistating thing.

    Of course I've never heard of an affair that stayed strictly emotional, unless you figured out what was going on before it hit the physical. But sounds like this has been going on quite a while.

    Would he be willing to go to couples counsiling?

    Many warm (((hugs))) and a gallon of double dutch chocolate ice cream to make you feel a little bit better.
     
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi,

    you made alot of good points, and i did my lists i've got Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), so i'm all about the lists.........lol.......there are many good things on the list. yet the non trust, lies, lack of compassion regarding it outweigh the good to be quite honest.

    he has said he will go to couples counseling. i made him go back to therapy before thsi hit because i felt as though he was still strugging with issues. im just very sad right now. last time we spoke of it was may. yet hearing this past few days of her being there, him driving her home, etc. me thinking he was one place when he was really in another is hurtful. trust is a very important component for me in a relationship. he destroyed mine in him.

    great point about showing difficult child that boundaries and self respect are crucial.
    do i want to live a life where i'm always wondering what he's doing at work since he's there 18 hours a day? what's in his phone? that's like living in a prison to me.

    supposedly it was stricly emotional, supposedly. she was very aggressive a.m. text everyday, didn't care of my existance in it, even called me one time to tell me she'd been seeing him for 7 mos and i should just move out. i immediately called him at work and said your stuff will be on porch he said no she's just nuts i didn't touch her. i said if she was so nuts then why'd you talk to her for 7 mos????

    i can't go into details because it was 7 mos worth. i'm a very non trusting person to begin with i've been hurt so i'm very vigilant probably too much so to be honest. yet he lied to me for months about it, covered it up used excuses really lied badly. stated she was his friends girlfriend she began stalking friend and asked him to help out by talking to her. well guess waht they never stopped talking apparentley. i even found a list of xmas gifts in his truck not so long ago on them were gifts for me then listed her name after mine, guess what her name is jen also then his ex (yup that's a whole other story lol). so i even said you bought her a xmas gift and he responded with no i was going to but then didn't. just alot of deception and lies to cover thsi girl up. she is known to be unstable, his excuse is i was just trying to keep the peace,etc. not have her go crazy on me. yet thats a bunch of lies i think there was too much interplay between them. he admits he was wrong. yet i don't think i can ever learn to trust him again. he says well i do so much for you that should speak volumes. i said money means nothing it's trust and friendship that mean everything.

    he even lied so much during a very stressful time with difficult child that i actually went to dr and got prescribed an anti depressant because i thought i was being dillussional in my thought that he was cheating and i said to him clearly i am depressed adn i was and i'm torturing you and you have done nothing wrong and i even said i'm taking thsi medication because of what i'm doing to you. he actually let me pop it without teling me the truth, he had a window and he didn't take it

    so what because of hte stuff he does for me difficult child i'm supposed to just let it go rebuild again? how can i? i don't even know if i want to go to therapy with him to be honest. we've done our best to handle this outside of here. i didn't want difficult child thrown off. so we have truck dates their called. he comes home at midnight we sit with tea in truck and hash it out if need be. i dont' even feel like doing that right now.
     
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Just food for thought- if your business was already established and going well, giving you job and financial security, and you had a home for you and the kids (apartment or house) in your name alone, would you still be struggling with this decision? Where do you think you would go from here under those circumstances?
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    So sorry this is getting worse. I thnk couple conselling would be crucial if you want to continue the relationship. I do KNOW one couple who came through a strictly emotional affair (she even made his get tested for STD's befoer she would quit using condoms with him again to PROVE that it was only emotional - the woman was known to have stds regularly). His company paid for teh counselling and then they got some from their church that really helped rebuild things.

    How committed is he to ending the relationshiip totally, telling the girl to go away? I think that would be one of the big questions.

    Hugs, and I am so sorry this is going on.

    Susie
     
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmo - no i wouldn't be struggling as much as i am now with it. he wants to go to conseling is open to it totally has asked if i've called. i just don't think i want to. i've never been through this before and if he did it once early on in our relationship he's capable later one when things get even harder. don't know if i wanna survive it again, actually nope i don't......lol
     
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    he's a good man in alot of ways, yet this has been one of the hardest years ive ever had. his attitude now is why are you so upset we already dealt with all of this? i said nope it was new info and with that comes my emotions and rememberance of your lies and deception.
     
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Jennifer -

    To be blunt, you've been dealing with trust issues with this guy since we've known you. Yet you quit your job and let him support you while that was going on.

    I'm really not sure what there is to rebuild because it doesn't sound like there was anything there (in regards to trust) to begin with.
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jennifer,
    just wanted to lend support.
    You sound so miserable. The trust issues go so deep ... I, too, would be questioning whether it's worth it.
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Maybe I have a different take on this.

    when it comes to this sort of relationship (his with this woman) a lot of blokes just don't get it. They don't get how women are in relationships because blokes can be very different. A woman wants a lot more emotionally in a relationship and also will read a lot more emotionally into it as well.

    When a bloke is in a committed relationship, that is where his thoughts and emotions lie. His loyalties also. Totally.

    A bloke like that is a treasure not to be discarded lightly. A bloke like that can also be very vulnerable to a "needy" female "friend". He may feel sufficiently secure in his relationship with his partner, to not see the dangers in his friendship. Because from his point of view, there IS no danger, his heart is committed.

    So why the danger? Because if the woman is at all predatory (and some women are just like that, because they desperately crave attention and they also desperately crave what is not theirs to have) then he can find himself caught up in conflicting emotions and eventually conflicting loyalties.

    The woman may not have been deliberately predatory; she may have begun by leaning on a bloke who seemed to care about her feelings. The guy, on the other hand, may have simply been trying to keep a woman safe to begin with, at the back of his mind is the question, how would he want HIS woman to be treated, if she had a problem and needed to talk?

    Jennifer, he's 37. So I assume she is definitely over 30? Which, in old-fashioned parlance, means she's definitely on the shelf, has not found the partner in life she wants and by her age, all the best blokes are taken. A woman her age can't be too fussy or scrupulous, it is amazing how some people can justify their actions.

    From what you say, it sounds to me like she was out to get her claws into him. To ring you up the way she did - that is not the action of a woman merely leaning on him for friendship. However, his reaction to you when you got her call then rang him - that does not sound to me to be the reaction of a man with a guilty conscience. The first thing a bloke would do is not just to deny that anything happened, but to deny absolutely everything, including the woman's existence. He will try to pretend she's just a random wrong number, if he can get away with it. But your boyfriend has admitted to a great deal that he didn't really have to.

    Just because this woman wanted to believe that she and your guy have a deep, loving and committed relationship, doesn't mean HE thinks that way.

    However, that doesn't mean he's not feeling guilty about it all now, with the benefit of hindsight. OF COURSE a guy is going to feel flattered, especially once he's into his 30s and heading beyond, at being pursued by another woman. Even having another woman say to him, "You're so supportive, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to talk me through this," is flattering to a guy's ego. It doesn't matter that he has you at home - he knows he's secure with you (or rather, he thought he was) - here is independent affirmation that he IS still attractive in an absolute sense.

    I don't think he was being deceptive, beyond perhaps downplaying stuff he felt was unimportant but was concerned you would read into it more than there was. Certainly in HIS mind, I don't think he was being deceptive.

    Please do not underestimate the damage a scheming woman can do to a relationship, especially if she sets her mind to it. It needn't be a love relationship she's trying to destroy, either. I've seen a scheming woman trying (and succeeding) in breaking up friendships between other women, in breaking up families and in damaging a person's reputation. I've had it happen to me, and I was only one of the victims, I was only on the fringes. Her main target was her former best friend (my good friend then and now) of whom she was jealous - they were good friends when my friend was poor and out of work as well as single; when my friend applied for a high-powered job and got it, the woman was angry - she accused my friend of lying on her application. When my friend became romantically involved with a doctor, her friend tried to seduce him; out of loyalty, he said nothing. It nearly split them up when my friend found out (which is what her 'friend' wanted, of course).

    With your partner, Jennifer - if he began by being a shoulder for this woman to cry on, she would have used tat and made more opportunities to have more crises for him to help her through. It can quickly get to a point where he is unable to extricate himself without fearing she could do herself harm, or make him feel like a heel for walking away when she is most in need. She would accuse him of leading her on, of encouraging her to fall in love with him (I suspect he did nothing of the sort) and tis would be leverage for him to continue. If she was behaving like this it would have made it even harder for him to be honest with you about what she was doing - it becomes like blackmail and he wouldn't have been able to think rationally about how to get himself out of this mess.

    Jennifer, the biggest question you need to consider here - think hard. An emotional relationship still has to be two-way. it is only him being unfaithful, if he is feeling for her, what he should only be feeling for you. What she feels (or claims to feel) is not the issue here - if his heart is yours completely, it doesn't matter how many women are trying to woo him, he is yours and that is that.

    If you feel you need to extract every little detail and to punish him in the process, you risk losing him needlessly. If, however, he has been emotionally disloyal then you do need to find out exactly how it happened and to make a decision - do you want to work on the relationship to rebuild it, or do you want to end it?

    If he is the kind to easily fall for every scheming woman who sets her cap t him, or is the sort of bloke who will take advantage of a genuinely needy and helpless woman purely to boost his own ego at being needed, then you need to decide if you can live with this. But if he is a guy who is utterly committed to you but who is a big softie who cannot distinguish a genuine sob story from a scheming witch, then I think you need to forgive him but yes, have relationship counselling so HE can understand how this has hurt you and also how HE can protect himself form such misunderstandings in the future.

    I am lucky, I have a good man in my life. However, there have been times in the past when he has had close friendships with other females. A couple of these predated our marriage, and were, as far as he was concerned, just friendships. However, I could see what he could not - to those women, I was an intruder. I was resented. husband introduced me to one of them, he had told me all about this girl as someone I would get on with well. He couldn't see the look in her eyes - she loathed me on sight. Probably even before she saw me - because he was mine, and because of that, he couldn't see how she really felt about him. She was NOT happy to meet me because that was when she saw how he looked at me. That was when she knew that not only had she lost, but she never had a snowball's chance in purgatory of ever winning.

    Very early on, even before I got together with husband, I realised that jealousy was pointless. Any bloke of mine who had a wandering eye, could keep on wandering. I had a boyfriend at the time who tried to make me jealous - it was as if he needed it to boost his ego. But as far as I was concerned, if any woman could take him away from me, she was welcome to him. The sooner she succeeded, the better. If a man of mine ever left me for another woman, he was not worthy to be my man.

    So if a man of mine ever strayed from me emotionally, then he never was mine to begin with.

    There have been times when husband has been emotionally supportive to a female friend or acquaintance. However, because he knows I don't get jealous, he has always told me everything. This has meant that if at any time the woman he was supporting was not really needy but was, in fact, a schemer, he was never in a position to be emotionally blackmailed into continuing to see her and into being secretive. If ever he felt out of his depth, he would tell her to call me and talk to me about it, because another woman's point of view could be helpful!

    Jennifer, go to counselling. If he goes too, good. You only need to know, where he is concerned - how committed is he to you, emotionally, now? And has that always been so?

    Marg
     
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey Jennifer, I'm so sorry you've had this added stress dumped on your plate - this has been a stressful year for you. I do agree with Heather, in that you've always had to deal with trust issues with your SO, at least since you've posted here. That is very telling of the type of foundation you two have had from the beginning - perhaps one built of need? Or simple desire? It is difficult to say since we all enter into a relationship with our old baggage and expectations. Mind you, this is just my take, based on what I've read into your posts.

    It sounds like your man enjoys being needed...he likes to be the savior and the person a woman leans on. He wanted to be the big nice guy who enabled you to quit your work and stay home to care for your difficult child - which is nice, I'm not saying it's not nice...but you were not the only one getting a need fullfilled in that scenario, he was also (his ego). He was being the nice guy, the fixer of a problem, the big man, and he put you into a position where you were leaning on him and becoming dependent on him.

    In the interim, your focus was shifting more and more onto difficult child, perhaps leaving him feeling a bit left out and as things things fell into a routine at home, besides his being the sole supporter at home, he felt less needed by you...enter coworker girl with mad crush.

    She fulfills this need of his to be the savior, the needed one, the fixer of things...her life is such a mess, she cries on his shoulder, etc. She eventually falls for him, he is flattered by her wanting him. They eventually move into a place where they are fulfilling an emotional need with one another.

    Remember, most people believe that emotional needs are the backbone of the healthiest relationships out there. Sex is sex and that's great, but without the emotional needs being met, physical needs eventually go unmet. There is always something else to fill up the space where there used to be emotional and physical connection.

    Personally, and this is just my opinion (based on my own experiences), I highly doubt that SO's relationship with that woman has not been physical in any way. They may not have had intercourse in the true definition, but it is highly unlikely that after 7 months of being emotionally connected that there was no physicality as well - especially when you consider the types of gifts involved (BOXERS?!).

    I totally and completely understand your desire to keep things calm for the benefit of the kiddos. That's why you should most definitely get into counseling - FOR YOU. If SO makes the effort, fantastic. But if his interest in counseling fades, for whatever reason, you continue to go. You need to go. You need some strength and clarity on your end. SO may start saying stuff like, "I hate going because every time we go all we talk about is what a scummer I am or how I mess everything up, etc.". That's hogwash. In order for the two of you to heal and grow from this, you both have to be willing to accept some responsibility in how you got here in the first place. I hate to sound cliche, but it takes two to make or break a relationship.

    No one can tell you the right thing for you to do - only you know exactly what you're feeling, how things went down, what you're willing to accept as your responsibility, and what you're willing to do to change your circumstances. What is right for me or anyone else, may not be right for you. Listen to your heart and your gut and go with it.

    So hugs and good luck.
     
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    you guys really are amazing, i have to say...........i'd like to invite all of you over and we could have a drink, or two lol. the support that i get here is very cool. or even just to bounce things off.

    I truly have to take the time later when difficult child is calmer to re read through all of it, their lengthy yet i cannot believe how all of you took the time to really give me your true thoughts and took the time to write them. THANK YOU!!!

    Yes - There was never a foundation at all, I thought there was, yet we have never had trust, so rebuild is infact the wrong word indeed.

    Yes - I am in therapy have been for quite sometime now i go weekly, every sunday for me i have to with all that's gone down.

    you guys are very insightful he def. has the "knight in shining armor syndrome" bigtime and his ego needs major stroking, he's got a whole lotta issues. he's currently in therapy due to all of this alone.

    quite honestly he needs alot of work, not that i don't but i make positive changes in my life everyday. problem is he started when i was at my weakest, dealing with difficult child, getting older one on target with school, then ontop of the rest of it not to go into details but memories of a very traumatic event came back to me last year as well that i was unclear of for years. i tried to pursue it legally but was unable to due to statue of limitations. so yup there's been alot.

    he's still suffering very much from his 18 year marriage ending i believe, looking at it for what it is not what i want it to be. she dumped him on valentine's day and announced she fell for her best friend with whom was a woman. yup alot of stuff there.

    i made some very bad decisions, jumped the gun with him due to financial pressures and demise and difficult child just years of it with no help or support till i found here just got me bad.

    in my heart i know he didn't mean to hurt me, he's just screwed up to be quite honest. yet regardless he did hurt me, caused me alot of undue stress this year ontop of already existing stress. he has brought me to my kness on more than one occassion. i walked away from my job which to me was a logical choice i was too far away from difficult child. yes this fed his need as well.

    i'll never know exactly what went on. this girl by the way is young, early twenties.......lol not a 30 something year old at all. she is also known to be well let's just say unstable. after he lost most contact with her she became employed by another rest. owner and after two mos of working there, had stalked a waiter and claimed rape of one of the owners of the rest that than was proven not guilty all charges were dropped. yup this is so so involved. i said to him do you realize what it is you let in our lives, you could of lost your business due to your lack of judgement, your children's welfare could of been at stake. he screwed up on such a high level.

    this is all drama i do not need, nor the life i want for difficult child's and me. i am emotionally connected to him i will not lie there are alot of great memories of the past year, dinner's together with the 5 kids, outtings with them, him laughing, us talking, etc. sharing him being there even if doing it for his own ego issues he was there for me through alot of stuff, yet at teh same time he lied.......so was he really there? my therapist says the pressure of what i brought to this relationship along with his own issues hence boom you have what he did.

    so at end of day i need to think very carefully cant' dedicate alot of time to this because i have to get some assemblance of normalcy for difficult child at this point and school is very problematic as many of you know. a friend has offered a house rental to me, yet it's not in this school district for minimal amt of money yet i cannot take difficult child out of her school she requires stability. so that's a no go.

    if i go i will miss him, the kids, etc. yet i need to think about what type of life i want for me and them i need to be honest in stating that the level of upsetment he has caused me has def. lapped over onto difficult child on some level i watch myself carefully yet i would think tha'Tourette's Syndrome only normal to say that.

    i don't know if i was physical, one would think it was even if not actual sex. the boxer's the letter she wrote even if unopened, her begging to ease his pains and worries by spending hte night with him in the valentine's day card. he's probably afraid to admit it because he knows if he did i'd truly lose it, no excuse yet i know him now well enough to know he's covering.

    bottom line really is what type of a life do i wnat for me and kids? do i want to sit up till midngiht 5 nights a week and wait for him so i can see him and we can have our truck dates talk about the day, etc. do i want to be alone every weekend while he's at the store and me wondering what new waitress is working there now, who is he texting what's going on etc.

    i'm sure in time and alot of counseling maybe just maybe trust would be established but do i want to invest that sort of time and effort into him and this? i just don't know. right now i'm craving peace. i get that alot, well difficult child you know how that goes but he's not home 4 nights out of the week.

    yet we only go around once this lifetime i want it to be the best it can be. i just feel very badly for difficult child at this point. i owe her stability the older one is great pain in butt but great she'll be happy when i'm happy. she has school, friends her dance class now she's officially balanced. yet difficult child loves his kids, looks forward to mon and wed loves the chaos of it all, i don't!! i love the kids but its' rough i will not lie in a small apartment.

    i have therapy in a little while maybe that will help me clear my head she's pretty good with me.

    i'll re read the long messages when i get time later.

    you guys are well words cant really describe.

    thanks!!!!!!! :)
     
  15. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Jennifer, I hate to say it but I completely agree with JoG on this point. The odds are extremely slim that this was purely an 'emotional' relationship that never got physical! Especially if it went on that long ... rather, he allowed it to go on that long. Contrary to even what I say sometimes, men are not that stupid. Any man who allows it to escalate from just discussing her problems to her showing up where he works, taking her home, love notes and boxers for Christmas ... he knows exactly where it is going. And him lying about it is a really bad sign. And he didn't exactly come to you guilty-ridden and 'fess up, did he? You found the evidence and confronted him? He would have had to to be virtually brain dead to not know she was after him and should have put a stop to it at the beginning, but he chose not to. And if he's taken her home, chances are that he has gone inside her house. And if he went inside, chances are that they had sex. That's just the way it is. And when a man (or woman, for that matter) lies, once that barrier has been crossed, it just gets easier and easier to continue to lie. It's been my experience that what you actually find out is usually just the tip of the iceburg.

    I don't mean to sound bitter and I don't want to be hurtful to you, but I've been there done that - twice - and a lot of this sounds very, very familiar. I've heard several variations of the old 'helping her with her problems' story. At first, it makes them sound almost heroic, but it can become a convenient excuse too. And more than one woman has used this trick to try to engage a man and keep him entangled and feeling 'obligated'.

    I'm a firm believer that a persons past behavior is the greatest indicator of their future behavior. Has there ever been a time that you felt that you could completely trust him? Has he been very trustworthy in the past and this is a new behavior for him? A bump in the road? I've been through some really bad times in the past and have been hurt more times than I can count. And as a result, I, too, am a very untrusting person. And once someone has lied to me - even once - it's very difficult if not impossible for me to ever completely trust them again. I actually once heard, "Well, I SAID I was sorry! Why are you still upset? What else can I do!" They just don't get it! For me, it would take a full disclosure, a full understanding of just how much his actions had hurt me, and a sincere desire to make things better. That followed by years and years of never once crossing that line and never again giving me reason to doubt ... and then maybe, just maybe I could begin to tentatively trust again.

    When it all comes down to it, you are the only one who can make this decision. You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with and what you can't. But please don't sell yourself short. You deserve much, much better than this.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2008
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs and lots of loving support. Be good to yourself.
     
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks you guys are great. i'll figure it out somehow. i know what i want for my girls and i, i am very clear on that. yet i don't know if i can ever trust him again, or if i want to put the effort in to do so. my gut tells me it wasn't physical maybe that's just my naivity talking yet he was never home late ever. yet to me whether it was physical or not hiding and lying the level of deception for so long is enough for me.
     
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks you guys are great. i'll figure it out somehow. i know what i want for my girls and i, i am very clear on that. yet i don't know if that includes him, or if i can ever trust him again, or if i want to put the effort in to do so. my gut tells me it wasn't physical maybe that's just my naivity talking yet he was never home late ever. yet to me whether it was physical or not hiding and lying the level of deception for so long is enough for me.

    his definition and mine of "cheating" is quite different indeed. he thinks that talking to a girl, driving her home allowing her to be at his store, texting calling isn't a relationship. i said it's called an emotional affair, bottom line it became that when you lied to me about her repeatedly.

    i'm just very tired now, long weekend with difficult child who is still awake at past midnight now and school's tmrw. and this stuff on my mind, difficult child's school, finding job and exactly how it's giong to work if we break up.
     
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow, got difficult child calm again tonite so i had sometime to sit quietly and truly read all of your previous responses. so many good points. he has backed off the past 2 weeks. he is confused because we handled this already in may, yet when i learned new info it was all broughtot he surface agian and i realized id' never really handled it and was still really upset.

    he basically said i know i've made some very bad choices i understand if you don't want to be with me anymore but i'm going to try to be patient and give you your time so you can decide if you still want me or not. ok that was sweet, yet he blew up at me twice since then because he said he feels so awkward when he comes home cause i'm not even talking to him, well i do talk to him yet we haven't done our truck dates with our tea or vent at the end of the night about difficult child which i usually do, or ask him about the restaraunt..... no nothing other than small talk. i'm just not ready to decide i have way too much going on with difficult child right now. my mind is not calm so i told him you could either wait or leave? your choice. yet this coming weekend i have no difficult child she's with dad so i'll have my time to ponder
     
  20. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Sounds like decisions need to be made...... we will be here no matter what you decide...... thinking of you as you move forward........
     
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