Hi. I'm sorry you feel you have to worry about the stigma thing - I'm not from the US so I really can't connect to that, I just have to accept that your concerns would not be frivolous; you feel you have genuine cause for concern. I am very sorry you feel you have to be so careful, but the world is unfortunately not perfect. I wish it were.
I am physically disabled - I walk with one, occasionally two, Canada crutches and sometimes I use an electric scooter (of the little old lady variety). I know it has absolutely nothing to do with my kids and the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in the family, but a lot of people do draw that conclusion. Then there are the people who talk loudly to me, expecting me to be mentally deficient. I've got a thick hide and I treat it with humour, I don't let it get to me. But yes, it is important to be aware of it and also aware of how it impacts on the family.
I guess it's as close as I can get to understanding where you are coming from.
All I can suggest, is that you keep a close 'feel' for how they are treating your daughter and how they 'see' her, and if/when things get to a stage where it will not make things any worse, then maybe you might feel there is nothing to lose.
That doesn't mean we can't help. There are other things you can try. A big part of this is also how your daughter feels about herself, and what sort of understanding she has about her problems and how she can cope. I do know that when difficult child 1 was finally diagnosed as ADHD (he was 6 years old) it was a big relief for him. He had been thinking that he was just a bad kid, a dumb kid, and being naughty was going to be his niche in life because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't please his teacher and nor could he stay on task like the other kids. Once he was told that it was a disorder, there was something wrong and it wasn't his fault, you could see the weight lifted off his shoulders. I never thought a six year old could look so happy, so relieved, as when difficult child 1 was told he had ADHD. Of course, almost ten years later this was revised to Asperger's. Again, he wasn't upset by this, because it explained things.
We have friends whose children have similar diagnoses. In a lot of cases, notably the ones where the kids are trying to cope in isolation, the family attitude is one of "don't let grandparents/family/friends know there is something wrong, we'll never hear the end of it." One of these is difficult child 3's best friend. The mother & I often talk about how our boys cope. The father, on the other hand, doesn't want the topic discussed under his roof, he is concerned about stigma and believes that if a child is told he has a disability, then the child will use that as an excuse for the rest of his life and it will become a crutch. He states this opinion and then walks away, refusing to listen to anything I might say in response. As it's his house, I shut up. But I believe he is wrong, and my boys are the proof of this.
difficult child 1's best friend is another example - he is Aspie. He has been raised by his (single) mother, because his father died when he was a toddler. Of course, with his odd behaviour people assume she was abandoned or an unwed mother. There is this attitude of, "no better than they should be," even though when you meet her she is a lovely, moral, organised and practical person who does what she can for hr children. But her son has been very needy, and because she has had to work she hasn't been able to be there for him as much as he required. As a result, his way of coping has been to hide his disability behind a mask of humour and tricks (he is very skilled at hand juggling). The schoolteachers were mostly afraid of him, with his large frame, expressionless face and the sense of hidden violence. In reality he's a gentle giant who just doesn't know how to express emotion. But he felt like a failure after he was asked to leave the school before graduation (misunderstanding; he had done nothing wrong but was not equipped to fight for his rights). So I took him in hand after a couple of years and got him and difficult child 1 enrolled in the same college course (single unit, one year). It was a struggle at times but he finished the course. He's not using the qualification - it doesn't matter. He is no longer a failure, in his own mind - THAT is what matters.
The ones that cope, that have a better attitude - they are the ones where parents talk to other parents, where the kids mix together socially and learn to value one another. You will find something for her. She will find friends for herself (so don't panic when she brings home the weird kids). What they get from one another - acceptance. It's gold.
For us, we found it through difficult child 3's drama class. It's not just for autistics, it's for kids with a wide range of "learning difficulties". In the class are a couple of Down's kids; one young man with unspecified developmental delay; a few Aspies & autistics; and a teenage girl who was brain injured in a car accident when a toddler, not expected to live (and they now wonder if she was also autistic like her brother). They have their problems, they have their gifts. And they enjoy spending time together. Every year these kids work together and write a play to present to their parents. A number of them (the autistic/Aspies) were in "The Black Balloon" with a few others, a feature film released this year starring Toni Collette, and dealing with a 16 year old boy coming to terms with his profoundly autistic brother. Can you imagine how these kids felt, when they saw themselves on the big screen and were personally thanked by the director?
The IQ range at difficult child 3's drama class is very wide - from very low, well below 100, up to 140s & higher. And they're all friends, across this spectrum. They learn tolerance and compassion.
School can make a child, or it can set her back a great deal. If you do not want to "come out" to the school about any possible label for fear of long-term stagnation consequences, then you may want to consider home schooling at some stage, or tutoring, or in some way trying to help her overcome the manifestations of whatever she is dealing with. Counselling won't hurt - you or her. Also, anything she is good at, which makes her feel good about herself, is worth enrolling her in.
What happens for you from here - she is likely to continue having problems at school, likely to continue getting suspended or even expelled. You could try to head this off at the pass, so to speak, by making alternative education arrangements NOW, or try to find ways to help her change her behaviour in a positive direction (not easy - if you find out how, write a book, make a million, and don't forget to tell us!).
I've seen problem kids turned around by removing them from school and teaching them at home. I've also seen this fail spectacularly when the parent couldn't get cooperation even at home. You know your child and what you both can handle.
A place to start - this is what we did with difficult child 3, when he spent time home from school. We made a rule, "school work during school hours". Even if he was physically ill (a common problem) he had to do schoolwork of some sort of other, even if I had to dig around to find something for him. A DVD documentary, for example. A writing task. Online maths. I also did not do it with an air of punishment, more an air of "this is your job. Dad goes out to work, Mum does the cooking and organisation at home, you do your schoolwork and work towards a potential career path in something you will enjoy."
School is punishment enough. There is no need to continue the punishment at home, although you do need to provide some sort of coordination with school to avoid undermining authority. Not easy, if you don't agree with them.
Anyway, I've said enough for now (assuming you're still reading on!).
It's early days for you, but you are doing the best you can and already have a good feel for what will work. You will need this instinct of yours, so value it.
Marg
Christy