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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 695033" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Heather, I do not write, nobody writes to make others feel their pain is insignificant. On the contrary, I know you are suffering terribly. My aim is to help you find a way through this to find your dignity and your power. Your heart is broken. Only you can fix it. Not your daughter. You.</p><p></p><p>You keep believing that the solutions are in her. Or at least it seems so to me. When they are in you. As long as you believe that she must do or say something different, or accept something different--you will keep suffering. This is what I do not want. That I may suffer more than you or less than you is not the point.</p><p></p><p>You are the adult in the room here. Imagine she is a toddler. You do not ask a toddler to apologize or to take responsibility for the mess she made. What you do is you look at the situation and go forward. You make a plan to deal with the mess and to avoid big messes in the future. You accept that there will be some messes--but because you are prepared to make changes that you have identified--you gain confidence because you know that it will get better.</p><p></p><p>This kind of thinking might help. You have heard of the strategy of thinking about people who are persistently mean to you, as naked?I have a young male boss at work who interrogated me in front of other people for 15 minutes. He is pushed out of shape because I will not go along with his way of thinking. He wants me to say I agree with him and will do as he says, when I do not. I will never, ever agree. It involves treating aggressively a prisoner who is a sex offender--a horrible crime, yes--but I have responsibility to this sex offender. I will not abrogate that responsibility for anybody.</p><p></p><p>So I decided that what is motivating this young male boss, is fear that he is at heart a sex offender, that that is what he is covering up and that is why he has to be so harsh and controlling. He is trying to control and punish the part of himself that he fears. And he is trying to dominate me in order to dominate himself. </p><p></p><p>I am hoping that by thinking this I will gain more compassion and tolerance for him--so that I can work another month or two, and then quit, on my terms.</p><p></p><p>So with this mental game, I hope I can gain strength and self-control and patience to deal with his bullying, to just hold on to meet my own goals.</p><p></p><p>You see, (and you know this) the wrong thing, and bad things, happen all of the time and we have to deal with them as adults. We can work with our own minds to be able to get through life so that we are not bitter people or people who feel victimized by others.</p><p></p><p>In your case your dispute is with somebody who is tremendously precious to you. Somebody that matters more than all of the jobs or gold or silver in the world.</p><p></p><p>Think of it: She has made a dreadful mistake. Acted horribly. She went into your kitchen and she spilled all of the sugar and flour on the flour and she said, <em>Mommy, I am baking too. Just like you Mommy. I love you Mommy.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>This is the situation you are in 25 or 30 years later. You know more about life 10 times than she does. You can take the high road. You think it will cost you too much.<em> Will it really? Think about it!!</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 695033, member: 18958"] Heather, I do not write, nobody writes to make others feel their pain is insignificant. On the contrary, I know you are suffering terribly. My aim is to help you find a way through this to find your dignity and your power. Your heart is broken. Only you can fix it. Not your daughter. You. You keep believing that the solutions are in her. Or at least it seems so to me. When they are in you. As long as you believe that she must do or say something different, or accept something different--you will keep suffering. This is what I do not want. That I may suffer more than you or less than you is not the point. You are the adult in the room here. Imagine she is a toddler. You do not ask a toddler to apologize or to take responsibility for the mess she made. What you do is you look at the situation and go forward. You make a plan to deal with the mess and to avoid big messes in the future. You accept that there will be some messes--but because you are prepared to make changes that you have identified--you gain confidence because you know that it will get better. This kind of thinking might help. You have heard of the strategy of thinking about people who are persistently mean to you, as naked?I have a young male boss at work who interrogated me in front of other people for 15 minutes. He is pushed out of shape because I will not go along with his way of thinking. He wants me to say I agree with him and will do as he says, when I do not. I will never, ever agree. It involves treating aggressively a prisoner who is a sex offender--a horrible crime, yes--but I have responsibility to this sex offender. I will not abrogate that responsibility for anybody. So I decided that what is motivating this young male boss, is fear that he is at heart a sex offender, that that is what he is covering up and that is why he has to be so harsh and controlling. He is trying to control and punish the part of himself that he fears. And he is trying to dominate me in order to dominate himself. I am hoping that by thinking this I will gain more compassion and tolerance for him--so that I can work another month or two, and then quit, on my terms. So with this mental game, I hope I can gain strength and self-control and patience to deal with his bullying, to just hold on to meet my own goals. You see, (and you know this) the wrong thing, and bad things, happen all of the time and we have to deal with them as adults. We can work with our own minds to be able to get through life so that we are not bitter people or people who feel victimized by others. In your case your dispute is with somebody who is tremendously precious to you. Somebody that matters more than all of the jobs or gold or silver in the world. Think of it: She has made a dreadful mistake. Acted horribly. She went into your kitchen and she spilled all of the sugar and flour on the flour and she said, [I]Mommy, I am baking too. Just like you Mommy. I love you Mommy. [/I] This is the situation you are in 25 or 30 years later. You know more about life 10 times than she does. You can take the high road. You think it will cost you too much.[I] Will it really? Think about it!![/I] [/QUOTE]
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