Steely, Thank you so much for posting again. I think this thread has done much to clarify many things. For one, you made it clear that what is bothering you probably more than anything is how you feel right now and that Sunday was particularly bad. And I think I "get" where you are coming from with- reference to having limited options in your city for therapy. I do hope that somehow, someway, you can find a mental health counselor or therapist...even in a nearby city or by telephone to help you through your heavy duty stress.
I know it is been my personal experience and I am learning through my classes, that empathy and gentleness goes a long way in terms of helping us humans learn a new concept, especially when under stress. I have made this point before here at PE...perhaps this time it will stick.
This does not mean that the points made were not good ones and ones to be heard.
The folks here are bright. Often, nothing speaks louder than experience. Esp. repeated experience. So, I do hope you can open your heart and mind to what has been written. And when an apology is offered, that is a great thing. We are only human beings.
Also, I think you are wise to focus on yourself and your feelings. Like I said before, it might be good to identify your goals. You know what you want for your son (safety, better mental health, etc.), but what do you want for yourself? Sometimes, it is really tough to separate ourselves from our children. I mean REALLY tough. You said you are worried about yourself. Why? You had such a bad night Sunday, you fear for a nervous breakdown. What might you do to help with your anguish and anxiety? Therapy? Exercise? Talk with- a friend? Medication?
Sometimes the inability to make a decision is a sign of depression. When husband and I were confused about something at our son's program, we double checked with a professional in town. Could you go to someone at a nearby university and run your questions by them and then make a final answer and stick to your decision? Perhaps a psychology professor with a lot of experience with young adults. If you already know what you need to know, what is it going to take to get you to feel a sense of calm about it? Are there other parents at his school who you can email now and again? What else might help? What about parents who have sons who have graduated from the program?
However, in my humble opinion, perhaps the most important thing is being able to find your happiness separate from the goings on with your son. Consider re-reading the information provided on Suz's link (bottom of her posts) on detachment.
You do not deserve these crummy feelings. When you are in the midst of heavy duty nervous breakdown type pain, can you reach out for a better thought? Are there any action steps you can take that might help? No one deserves this type of anguish.
When I was really down about things, I use to watch uplifting TV shows and read positive literature and tapes. Anything...to get me in a better frame of mind. One book I really liked was "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem." I also like Joel Osteen on TV, but he is not everyone's cup of tea.
I do hope you are able to put one foot in front of the other and inch by inch start feeling better. It is not easy, we understand. We care for you and are thinking good thoughts on your behalf. Please take that first baby step toward wellness. Gather tools to strength yourself. Wishing you a good day and a good Thanksgiving.
