Taking back control

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Big Bad Kitty, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    So with the new year came a new determination that I would once again run my house.

    I knew it would be a tough couple weeks with the transition, but I am absolutely DETERMINED to be seen by Tink as her mother and not a friend.

    If I get through these couple weeks, it will be a miracle. She had her biggest breakdown ever yesterday over homework. Later we together realized that it was not about homework at all, but it is about her dad. She misses him so much but is SO angry at him. But she feels guilty about being angry at him, Know what I mean?? SO she has been refusing to talk about it, refusing to write to him, she just pretends it's not happening. Well last night she finally fell apart and was just sobbing uncontrollably for hours. My heart broke into pieces for her. Just not fair.

    I will keep you updated on the progress. Boy I hope this is worth it.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I hope it works for your sake too!

    If it does, since I have learned so much from Star, you might be receiving a large box with air holes poked in it soon. Beware: It will not contain a rather large mexican jumping bean as you might originally suspect.
  3. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Well, GOOD FOR YOU!!!
    Keep a hold on that determination.....you're gonna need it.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    God Kitty...........
    My heart breaks for Tink just like it used to break for Matthew.
    I wish Matthew could be Tinks pen pal. Actually I might pursue that idea. Would Tink like someone she could write to about what is happening that understands and has been there? If so, I bet the program Matthew is in could get him to be accountable enough to respond to her. He so knows her pain. I would think that writing could be more powerful than therapy at this point.

    Anyway - keep holding strong in taking back the reigns.
    It will be worth it.
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Poor thing!!! I know your mommy heart is hurting for her. (((HUGS)))

    After you have mastered the art of taking control back - please give a class and sign me up!!!!

    Keep up the hard work. :)
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Good for you, it is worth it. You and Tink are both worth it. such hard work, right?? Your a good mom. It's so hard to see them hurting over things we cannot control.

    Sending you hugs
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    For so many years - it was just ME and Dude against - THE WORLD. We had lived through literal hell and lived to talk about it. Not really lived - maybe survived it. Due to all the outside forces we became what is known as enmeshed. I was his everything he was mine. NOTHING came between us.

    When someone even suggested to me that I was his friend and not his Mother I became enraged. I was doing the best I could. So was he poor little fella. What I know today is that if there were a doo over? I'd have broken that cycle earlier. Didn't know it - so didn't do it then, but did do it eventually. It was hard, it stunk, I hurt - he hurt. I felt most times like I was abandoning him and letting him sink - most times I felt like I as an adult had some coping skills, was moving forward and had left him behind.

    It was one of the best things I ever did for both of us. I had to learn how to be his Mom. Didn't mean we couldn't share things - but it just meant that each of us had to figure out where we "BELONGED" in our relationship. I had to become the head of my house, and he had to become the child that took orders. I didn't want to be THAT kind of Mom either - I wanted to be the COOL Mom - I mean I couldnt offer him things like the other kids - so I let a LOT of things slide. HUGE mistake.

    I think what you are beginning to do with Tink is real hard, and it hurts. The longer you do it the better off you'll both be. When you feel like an Ogre - post here. I'll write something whitty to cheer you. Like Grab yer torch and pitchfork.

    Hugs & Love
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are doing the right thing, not the easy thing. It will be worth it.

    Poor Tink with having to deal with missing her dad and being angry with him. It isn't fair. Gentle hugs.
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Stay strong warrior mom! It is super hard. Poor Tink! It is hard to talk about something when it is a mumble jumble of thoughts and feelings - where to start?

    Maybe instead of putting down how she is feeling (because she is not sure where to start and how to handle the conflicting feelings), maybe each day she can write (or talk to you) about what a feeling means (not how it applies to this situation). For example, "I love ........." and "I hate......." then "I am good at........" and "I wish I was better at.........." then "I like to ........." and "I would rather not ........" Maybe if she can get a better handle of what feelings are for herself, it will be easier to sort out what is going on with her feelings for her dad? But then again, this may be too over her head?

    With the "I love......" and "I hate......" point out that she can insert the word dinner. It depends what is being served. In the same way, she can love her dad and be angry at him at the same time because he is a combination of choices. She can love him when he makes good choices and be angry when his choices hurt himself and those around him. He is still dad, just acts different on different days.

    Just brainstorming!
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    You can do this. She's still fairly young and you're a tough warrior mom! My money is on you xo ML
  11. artana

    artana New Member

    You'll do it!:) If I can learn to be in charge of a household, anyone can..cause I have no backbone whatsoever.;)
  12. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Good for you, BBK! Take it, girl! LOL!

    Star is right, the first couple of weeks, months, whatever, they're hard. BUT, when Tink sees you're not going to fall into that trap again - she's going to have to make changes too. You are doing the best thing in the world for not only her, but for you. You don't need the stress of having a little child telling you anything. I'm proud of ya, girl!

    Hang in :)
  13. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    You are doing great, BBK, keep going! I'm with Star--I was enmeshed with my difficult child too and if I could have a redo it would be different. I found that when I felt sorry for her for all her problems (dad died, she felt inferior to her siblings, etc.) was when I became weak and wasn't the strong mom she needed. She couldn't become strong on her own til I allowed her to and it was hard. I kind of liked that she was so dependent on me.

    You'll get through and it is so good you are starting now!

  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    That little girl is gonna be such an amazing person.
    Just like Mom! I get to sit her and look at her smile everyday, so when I think of her breaking down, god it just hoovers.
    I remember when my Dad took off, just sobbing and not understanding. Then bottling it up.
    You are doing a great thing by being tough and not coddling her. She needs to be tough but also know she is loved so much by you.
    I think you are doing this so well! I am so proud of what you are doing, it has got to be so hard.
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wow, guys! Thank you so much for your support!

    I love having a cheering section!
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wait, one more cheerleader checking in!

    You GO!

    Be strong. It's so hard. These kids were you down.
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    Arriving a bit late, but here I am with bells on.

    BBK, you can do this. You are doing the right thing. It will be hard, VERY hard, but it's the only way, and things WILL be better for it. You and Tink will both be better for it.

    Tink is a lucky girl to have such an amazing mom.