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Taking care of ourselves.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620204" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>You are progressing TL, because just that true realization, even though you have heard it over and over again, is life-changing. Now you have taken it inside yourself, and you are changed by it. </p><p></p><p>There will not be a switch that's flipped and then...magically...all will be better! I waited on that for so long before I realized it wasn't going to come. Like waiting on a train that never came. I was just standing there, waiting, waiting, waiting, enabling, enabling, enabling. </p><p></p><p>There was never any train----any switch----at all.</p><p></p><p>It was/is going to be a one step forward, 10 back, 1/2 step forward, 2 back---it was/is going to be messy and ugly and chaotic and hard, just like dealing with his addition and my progress in stopping enabling has been.</p><p></p><p>I have often heard that sobriety is worse than addiction, at first. I guess because everybody, including the addict, excepts the flipped switch and is SO disappointed when it turns out not to be that way at all. Hopes are high, and then dashed again. </p><p></p><p>We are JUST LIKE our difficult children. </p><p></p><p>Some days, we eat french fries, M&Ms and 10 cookies, then 11, then 12. Then we lay on the sofa and watch some dumb TV show, and then another and another. We don't get up and work and do the laundry. We don't feel like cooking supper so we eat popcorn. </p><p></p><p>Just like they do. </p><p></p><p>Some days, they use and lay around playing video games all day, and sleep all day, and leave food on dishes all over their rooms. Or they ride around in cars with their friends smoking cigarettes and hanging out, instead of looking for a job or applying for school. Or even doing their laundry.</p><p></p><p>The difference is---we get up. We get to work, we reflect on the past day, and forgive ourselves (we're only human, right?) and strive to do better.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child just keeps on with the same behavior. And his behavior is often illegal. Lack of work leads to homelessness. Using drugs leads to danger, disease and jail. Stealing from people leads to being arrested.</p><p></p><p>With us, we probably won't lose our jobs or our spouses or our homes due to one day every now and then of checking out.</p><p></p><p>But if we kept on doing it, we might. We might need help to stop. </p><p></p><p>We don't have the disease of addiction (thank God). But we could. </p><p></p><p>We have the disease of being human, and maybe even momentarily down, or a little bit lazy, but it only lasts for a day.</p><p></p><p>Of course, these situations are different and the stakes are much higher, but still, we are the same. </p><p></p><p>That was so good for me to see that, and it broke down the walls between my thinking: He is bad. I am good.</p><p></p><p>I see us as similar in what we have to do, even though his journey is so much harder than mine, and the stakes are so much higher. </p><p></p><p>You are making progress. This IS a lifelong journey---us with our M&Ms (eat a few but not too many) and them, with their addiction. </p><p></p><p>If we are doing the best we can, people we love will come alongside us and forgive our slips. </p><p></p><p>If they are doing the best they can, people they love will come alongside them and help them through their relapses.</p><p></p><p>As long as we and they are doing the best we can, and getting help if our situation gets serious, there is help.</p><p></p><p>But if we're not, we need to be left alone to figure it out ourselves.</p><p></p><p>The first step for serious problems is realizing we have a problem, then getting the help we need. </p><p></p><p>We have done that with our enabling behavior---that is why we are on this site.</p><p></p><p>Today is a new day. You can make different choices today, if you want to. Our difficult children can make different choices today, if they want to.</p><p></p><p>It's completely up to us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620204, member: 17542"] You are progressing TL, because just that true realization, even though you have heard it over and over again, is life-changing. Now you have taken it inside yourself, and you are changed by it. There will not be a switch that's flipped and then...magically...all will be better! I waited on that for so long before I realized it wasn't going to come. Like waiting on a train that never came. I was just standing there, waiting, waiting, waiting, enabling, enabling, enabling. There was never any train----any switch----at all. It was/is going to be a one step forward, 10 back, 1/2 step forward, 2 back---it was/is going to be messy and ugly and chaotic and hard, just like dealing with his addition and my progress in stopping enabling has been. I have often heard that sobriety is worse than addiction, at first. I guess because everybody, including the addict, excepts the flipped switch and is SO disappointed when it turns out not to be that way at all. Hopes are high, and then dashed again. We are JUST LIKE our difficult children. Some days, we eat french fries, M&Ms and 10 cookies, then 11, then 12. Then we lay on the sofa and watch some dumb TV show, and then another and another. We don't get up and work and do the laundry. We don't feel like cooking supper so we eat popcorn. Just like they do. Some days, they use and lay around playing video games all day, and sleep all day, and leave food on dishes all over their rooms. Or they ride around in cars with their friends smoking cigarettes and hanging out, instead of looking for a job or applying for school. Or even doing their laundry. The difference is---we get up. We get to work, we reflect on the past day, and forgive ourselves (we're only human, right?) and strive to do better. My difficult child just keeps on with the same behavior. And his behavior is often illegal. Lack of work leads to homelessness. Using drugs leads to danger, disease and jail. Stealing from people leads to being arrested. With us, we probably won't lose our jobs or our spouses or our homes due to one day every now and then of checking out. But if we kept on doing it, we might. We might need help to stop. We don't have the disease of addiction (thank God). But we could. We have the disease of being human, and maybe even momentarily down, or a little bit lazy, but it only lasts for a day. Of course, these situations are different and the stakes are much higher, but still, we are the same. That was so good for me to see that, and it broke down the walls between my thinking: He is bad. I am good. I see us as similar in what we have to do, even though his journey is so much harder than mine, and the stakes are so much higher. You are making progress. This IS a lifelong journey---us with our M&Ms (eat a few but not too many) and them, with their addiction. If we are doing the best we can, people we love will come alongside us and forgive our slips. If they are doing the best they can, people they love will come alongside them and help them through their relapses. As long as we and they are doing the best we can, and getting help if our situation gets serious, there is help. But if we're not, we need to be left alone to figure it out ourselves. The first step for serious problems is realizing we have a problem, then getting the help we need. We have done that with our enabling behavior---that is why we are on this site. Today is a new day. You can make different choices today, if you want to. Our difficult children can make different choices today, if they want to. It's completely up to us. [/QUOTE]
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